Dear the year of 2013,
Allow me to welcome you. I'm sure you're nervous, but there's no reason to be nervous. 2012 was a pretty hectic year and humanity wants you to rest assured that we believe in you. Trust me when I say there is no wrong way to be a year.
However, in light of the 'devil may car' attitude adopted by 2012, you may want to keep a few key points in mind. These are merely suggestions, but I would appreciate it if you kept them in mind.
Tone it down with the weather.
While we do need equal parts rain, sun, snow, and occasional wind, 2012 threw bizarre weather patterns at the United States of America. There was the drought all across the U.S. then 2012 decided to fix things by slamming the East coast with Hurricane Sandy. Remember 2013, we're not built on a ramp, we're relatively flat.
Don't threaten the end of the world.
I understand that the Mayans stuck 2012 with that awful "December 21" nonsense, but 2012 didn't do much to alleviate our worries. The world's attention was brought to what would happen to the point that many of us wish the Mayans were right. If any groups have declared 2013 to be the last year people exist, then don't make such a big deal out of it, try to keep public panic a a minimum.
Don't forget your roots.
2013 is a big year! Babies born in 2000 are now teenagers. The people who remember rotary phones, cars without GPS built in, and a time when newspapers mattered is rapidly shrinking. The internet did not always exist outside of science fiction, but some people today have only known the internet, and not the monotonous search method of a library. People do things faster now, including wrecking stuff everywhere. Keep that in mind and try to occasionally take things slow.
Have fun!
You're barely a week old, but you're already down to 51 weeks until 2014 comes barreling through. Don't worry so much, have fun and try new things. I promise people will get used to writing 13 at the end of the date for checks and other official signed documents.
Also this is mainly concerning the U.S. because I don't live anywhere else. As long as it doesn't affect us, do what you like with the rest of the planet.
With warmest regards,
-Blake T. Hunt
Friday, January 4, 2013
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
Quickie Review: Butter
So I rented the movie Butter, that semi independent movie starring Jennifer Garner, Rob Corddry, Olivia Wilde, Ty Burrell, and Yara Shahidi. The movie centers on a group of people living in Iowa during the big rush of an annual butter carving contest. I'll sum up this movie in two words.
Watch it.
I saw the trailer almost a year ago and thought it would either be great or disappointing but Butter nails every note. Never looking for scale, this movie feels like my own small town, where everybody knows each other and the skeletons in the closet are many and growing.
While Butter is a comedy, it has it's share of drama, sex, and suspense in scenes involving family history, crazy strippers, and carving mounds of butter. Destiny, the ten year old butter prodigy, is played meek and clever by Yara Shahidi, and it's clear the movie is about her in the best way.
Other highlights include Jennifer Garner nailing the repressed mid western trophy wife, Oliva Wilde as the vibrant hilarious stripper Brooke, aka "Tokyo Rose", and Hugh Jackman as Boyd Bolton, the earnest car salesman and idiot with good intentions most of the time.
What really grabbed me was how Rob Corddry was playing a calm loving husband and foster dad. As opposed to his usual characters that curse, fight, drink, and act like monsters. I enjoyed seeing him play something different.
I can't imagine who wouldn't want to watch this movie. Maybe if you don't like the occasional swearing or partial sex scenes, then you'll want to avoid this movie. But Butter is so well written, acted, directed, shot, and edited that even the more risque scenes were funny and occasionally heartwarming. Butter could have melted quickly, but held firm up to the very end.
Watch it.
I saw the trailer almost a year ago and thought it would either be great or disappointing but Butter nails every note. Never looking for scale, this movie feels like my own small town, where everybody knows each other and the skeletons in the closet are many and growing.
While Butter is a comedy, it has it's share of drama, sex, and suspense in scenes involving family history, crazy strippers, and carving mounds of butter. Destiny, the ten year old butter prodigy, is played meek and clever by Yara Shahidi, and it's clear the movie is about her in the best way.Other highlights include Jennifer Garner nailing the repressed mid western trophy wife, Oliva Wilde as the vibrant hilarious stripper Brooke, aka "Tokyo Rose", and Hugh Jackman as Boyd Bolton, the earnest car salesman and idiot with good intentions most of the time.
What really grabbed me was how Rob Corddry was playing a calm loving husband and foster dad. As opposed to his usual characters that curse, fight, drink, and act like monsters. I enjoyed seeing him play something different.
I can't imagine who wouldn't want to watch this movie. Maybe if you don't like the occasional swearing or partial sex scenes, then you'll want to avoid this movie. But Butter is so well written, acted, directed, shot, and edited that even the more risque scenes were funny and occasionally heartwarming. Butter could have melted quickly, but held firm up to the very end.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Why I want an elephant.
1. I would stand out at the dog park. Partly for the squashed dogs in Stampers' wake.
2. I would save on gas. I mean car fuel, not butt gas, I think elephants fart pretty hard.
3. PETA would hate me but never be able to catch me. Also Stampers would squash them proper.
4. Stampers would never forget my birthday, or forget anything for that matter.
5. I could threaten my enemies with his massive feet and tusks. Then I would mash and spear my enemies.
2. I would save on gas. I mean car fuel, not butt gas, I think elephants fart pretty hard.
3. PETA would hate me but never be able to catch me. Also Stampers would squash them proper.
4. Stampers would never forget my birthday, or forget anything for that matter.
5. I could threaten my enemies with his massive feet and tusks. Then I would mash and spear my enemies.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
12 days of Crazy
When the song "12 days of Christmas" became a thing, few people knew it was based on real events. Well, it would be. Behold and witness the back and forth of an actual 12 gift fiasco! And Happy Holidays.
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: December 25, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 1st day of Christmas…
My true love,
Thank you so much for the partridge and the pear tree! Such a joy, I love you so much, Merry
Christmas.
-Your love,
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: December 26, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 2nd day of Christmas…
My love,
First the partridge and pear tree, and now two doves? They’re beautiful and have not stopped
singing. Thank you oh so much!
-Your love,
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: December 27, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 3rd day of Christmas…
My love,
The French hens are lovely, but you did not have to send
three! Sadly the doves don’t seem to
like them and are hiding somewhere in the apartment. I appreciate these wonderful gifts, but it
would be amazing if you could send a cage for the birds.
-Your love
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: December 28, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 4th day of Christmas…
John,
I feel like I have enough birds. These calling birds are nice, but four of
them? Additionally the French hens are
pooping wherever they walk and the doves never stop singing. Ever.
My partridge hasn’t done much, but I fear that additional birds may
disturb my sleep habits.
Please don’t send any more gifts.
-Catherine
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: December 29, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 5th day of Christmas…
John my love,
Thank you so much for the gold rings! They’re beautiful beyond description! This makes up for all the birds! But please come get the birds as I can’t get
any sleep at night due to the constant singing.
-Your love, Catherine
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: December 30, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 6th day of Christmas…
John,
I love you, but I don’t want geese. The partridge died yesterday, the doves flew
out a window, and the hens are beginning to smell, why are you still sending
birds to my home? Please stop.
-Catherine
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: December 31, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 7th day of Christmas…
John,
Knock it off with the damn birds! I don’t need swans swimming in a pond you made
in my living room. The geese won’t stop
laying eggs and there’s bird shit everywhere.
I don’t have time to clean all of this; the rings are going to get
pawned to afford an exterminator. Please
stop giving me stuff and just come clean out my apartment.
-Catherine
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: January 1, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 8th day of Christmas…
SERIOUSLY? Maids
milking full grown cows?? Why would you
do this to me? Not only is my landlord
freaking out due to the layer of bird feathers, now there are COWS on my damn
stoop! Get them TODAY or I’m dumping
you. Oh, and the rings are fake,
asshole.
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: January 2, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 9th day of Christmas…
I get it, ok? “9
ladies dancing” haha real funny. Except
it’s disgusting. Not only is my
apartment still covered with bird crap, the cows trampled most of the birds and
the maids won’t go home. Now I have
strippers dancing at all hours and the ponds you made in my place for the swans
to swim in are leaking into the downstairs apartment. I’ll type this so you’ll hopefully understand:
PLEASE. STOP. SENDING. ME. GIFTS.
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: January 3, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 10th day of Christmas…
John,
What do lords leaping, aka ballet dancers, have to do with
Christmas? A holiday that, by the way, ENDED
9 DAYS AGO. Know when our relationship
ended? TODAY. Stop sending me stuff or I’ll get my lawyer
involved.
-Catherine
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: January 4, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 11th day of Christmas…
I get how you sent “pipers piping”, though we both know
these are just 12 year olds with recorders.
Their screeching has startled the french hens into flying around the
apartment and wrecking whatever the cows and strippers and male ballet dancers
missed. Screw you, we’re done.
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: January 5, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 12th day of Christmas…
John,
I didn’t think it could get worse, but you topped it with bass
drummers from the local marching band.
You’re an asshole, these birds are disgusting, the strippers are still
here, the maids are getting with the leaping lords, and I can’t describe how
much I hate you. See you in court,
prick.
-Catherine
Friday, December 21, 2012
5 Ways to Get Around
First off let's just say that you don't have access to a car. Let's say you are without a car, have no money for a bus token, and there is no other public transportation in your area. How will you get around? Simple! Utilize one of the following methods I have outlined as such.
1. Hitchhike- I'm fairly certain you won't get chopped up by whatever psycho would pick you up, so live a little. Catch a ride in a truck, in a station wagon, hell, sit behind a kid in a wagon being pulled by his dad. Whatever the ride, snag one, and offer to pay with either gas, grass, or ass. All are viable tender.
2. Ride an animal- it doesn't matter which one, but the larger and faster the better. Horse? Excellent choice. Hippo? Not so much. Corgi dog? Awful choice, too little. Centaur? If you can get over the weird sexual tension, a fine choice. Tiger? No way that thing will eat you alive. So experiment and have fun!
3. Get struck by lightning while near chemicals and become The Flash- just Barry Allen it up and stop being a pussy. Play with weird chemicals during a lightning storm and then let nature happen. To ensure this happens you should probably have a large metal pole to conduct the electricity stuck directly into your rib cage. Just to be safe.
4. Discover a series of wormholes- Donnie Darko did it, and he was a weird little dude. All you really have to do here is be fucking insane and read some weird book that Drew Barrymore a sa teacher hates. Or love. I'll be honest, I don't remember much from Donnie Darko.
5. Kill yourself- let me finish: so you'll become a ghost! Ghosts go everywhere all the time, and they love being ghosts. They float through the air without a care in their hollow see through head. Sure you'll forever have unfinished business, but at least you'll get to work on time. Oh, everyone's at your funeral? Right...DAY OFF!
1. Hitchhike- I'm fairly certain you won't get chopped up by whatever psycho would pick you up, so live a little. Catch a ride in a truck, in a station wagon, hell, sit behind a kid in a wagon being pulled by his dad. Whatever the ride, snag one, and offer to pay with either gas, grass, or ass. All are viable tender.
2. Ride an animal- it doesn't matter which one, but the larger and faster the better. Horse? Excellent choice. Hippo? Not so much. Corgi dog? Awful choice, too little. Centaur? If you can get over the weird sexual tension, a fine choice. Tiger? No way that thing will eat you alive. So experiment and have fun!
3. Get struck by lightning while near chemicals and become The Flash- just Barry Allen it up and stop being a pussy. Play with weird chemicals during a lightning storm and then let nature happen. To ensure this happens you should probably have a large metal pole to conduct the electricity stuck directly into your rib cage. Just to be safe.
4. Discover a series of wormholes- Donnie Darko did it, and he was a weird little dude. All you really have to do here is be fucking insane and read some weird book that Drew Barrymore a sa teacher hates. Or love. I'll be honest, I don't remember much from Donnie Darko.
5. Kill yourself- let me finish: so you'll become a ghost! Ghosts go everywhere all the time, and they love being ghosts. They float through the air without a care in their hollow see through head. Sure you'll forever have unfinished business, but at least you'll get to work on time. Oh, everyone's at your funeral? Right...DAY OFF!
Friday, December 14, 2012
Open Letter: Cats that scratch you when you pick them up.
Dear cats that scratch people when picking you up,
There is no good reason to scratch people when they pick you up. I understand the saying "you can take the tiger out of the jungle but you can't take the jungle out of the tiger" but to be far you're an orange tabby. The name tabby insinuates you will be handled frequently.
The factors leading to your being handled are many; you are soft, you have hypnotizing eyes, your tails are like additional creatures, and you're lap sized.
If you still disagree with being handled, here are some tips I think you'll find helpful in avoiding human contact.
-never clean yourselves, humans hate touching dirty animals
-always have feces or urine ready to launch as soon as you're off the ground
-start killing and bringing home animals larger than you, so we'll know you're serious
Now if you choose to ignore that advice, that is fair, but keep in mind you waive all rights to not be handled by people, so the following is what you'll be contending with.
-hugs ranging from gentle to death grip
-being dressed in clothing
-having a child pet you a little harder than they should
-enduring baby talk
Perhaps we can come to a compromise. These are the terms of the agreement.
You will poop in our shoes any time you want - we get to pick you up when company is over
You may scratch us when we come near you - you must wear adorable clothing when we wish
We will pull all the embarrassing cat videos from online - you agree to cuddle on our laps but NOT do that kneading thing where you dig your claws into peoples' crotches
If we have an agreement, I expect to hear from your people shortly.
Sincerely,
Your owners.
There is no good reason to scratch people when they pick you up. I understand the saying "you can take the tiger out of the jungle but you can't take the jungle out of the tiger" but to be far you're an orange tabby. The name tabby insinuates you will be handled frequently.
The factors leading to your being handled are many; you are soft, you have hypnotizing eyes, your tails are like additional creatures, and you're lap sized.
If you still disagree with being handled, here are some tips I think you'll find helpful in avoiding human contact.
-never clean yourselves, humans hate touching dirty animals
-always have feces or urine ready to launch as soon as you're off the ground
-start killing and bringing home animals larger than you, so we'll know you're serious
Now if you choose to ignore that advice, that is fair, but keep in mind you waive all rights to not be handled by people, so the following is what you'll be contending with.
-hugs ranging from gentle to death grip
-being dressed in clothing
-having a child pet you a little harder than they should
-enduring baby talk
Perhaps we can come to a compromise. These are the terms of the agreement.
You will poop in our shoes any time you want - we get to pick you up when company is over
You may scratch us when we come near you - you must wear adorable clothing when we wish
We will pull all the embarrassing cat videos from online - you agree to cuddle on our laps but NOT do that kneading thing where you dig your claws into peoples' crotches
If we have an agreement, I expect to hear from your people shortly.
Sincerely,
Your owners.
Friday, December 7, 2012
An Alien's Report on Earth
Esteemed Commanders,
The following is my report regarding the planetoid known as "Earth". Keep in mind my frankness when discussing domination of this planet, and I only speak thus due to the drastic nature of my report.
The task is impossible.
First off, Earthlings will be a poor work force. 90% of the human race is overweight, lazy, and soft. They are too soft to handle the razor diamonds in the caves of our third moon Neblar. The humans also think they deserve great reward for little to no work. Beasts more foul than our Krug-Thaks are paraded on their tele-monitors and paid extravagant sums of currency.
Second, they understand how to kill. They kill very, very well. They create visuals that would horrify our most seasoned generals. There are a series of what the humans call "movies" that frequently depict themurder or invading aliens to their world. One film in particular "Independance Day" shows how powerful the human celebrities can be by rendering a warroir unconscious with only his fist.
Thirdly, there is a massive amount of water on Earth. Do not think I exaggerate when I say there is literally water in the air at random peroids. It is nearly a miracle in itself that I have not perished during what the human's call a "light shower".
So in conclusion, we must not invade Earth. Not until even their powerful celebrities are defeat able We must focus on one Will Smith, one Tommy Lee Jones, and one Harrison Ford. Ford has aligned with a singular Wookie, the infamous "Chewbacca" we all tell cautionary tales about.
In Glory for the Empire,
Sl'arrz Taku, Fultorian Scout
The following is my report regarding the planetoid known as "Earth". Keep in mind my frankness when discussing domination of this planet, and I only speak thus due to the drastic nature of my report.
The task is impossible.
First off, Earthlings will be a poor work force. 90% of the human race is overweight, lazy, and soft. They are too soft to handle the razor diamonds in the caves of our third moon Neblar. The humans also think they deserve great reward for little to no work. Beasts more foul than our Krug-Thaks are paraded on their tele-monitors and paid extravagant sums of currency.
Second, they understand how to kill. They kill very, very well. They create visuals that would horrify our most seasoned generals. There are a series of what the humans call "movies" that frequently depict themurder or invading aliens to their world. One film in particular "Independance Day" shows how powerful the human celebrities can be by rendering a warroir unconscious with only his fist.
Thirdly, there is a massive amount of water on Earth. Do not think I exaggerate when I say there is literally water in the air at random peroids. It is nearly a miracle in itself that I have not perished during what the human's call a "light shower".
So in conclusion, we must not invade Earth. Not until even their powerful celebrities are defeat able We must focus on one Will Smith, one Tommy Lee Jones, and one Harrison Ford. Ford has aligned with a singular Wookie, the infamous "Chewbacca" we all tell cautionary tales about.
In Glory for the Empire,
Sl'arrz Taku, Fultorian Scout
Friday, November 30, 2012
Less Obvious Uses for Time Travel
We all know that if time travel were an option there would be the obvious choices of first tasks. Go back and kill Hitler. Witness the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Redo on that horrible prom incident. You know the one.
However once all that super awesome stuff is finished, what else could one do with time travel? Here is a short list of great ideas you may not have thought of.
-While at a restaurant rewind time as the check comes. You're now full and the meal was free.
-Make your puppy stay a puppy forever. No more heart breaking dog death or awful "teen years" for Rex.
-Do like Bill Murray and "Ground Hog Day" over and over until you get the perfect day.
-Do the Ground Hog thing with sex and bang that chick a million times.
-Brag to cavemen about having sex a million times.
-Wreck your own home, then cleanup within seconds. Technically negative time since it never happened. Why is my nose bleeding all of a sudden?
-Get drunk as hell off of one beer with constant rewinding.
-Post to your blog on time for once in your damn life.
So there you go folks, there are some possibly not previously considered options for time travel before the government breaks own your door for the device.
However once all that super awesome stuff is finished, what else could one do with time travel? Here is a short list of great ideas you may not have thought of.
-While at a restaurant rewind time as the check comes. You're now full and the meal was free.
-Make your puppy stay a puppy forever. No more heart breaking dog death or awful "teen years" for Rex.
-Do like Bill Murray and "Ground Hog Day" over and over until you get the perfect day.
-Do the Ground Hog thing with sex and bang that chick a million times.
-Brag to cavemen about having sex a million times.
-Wreck your own home, then cleanup within seconds. Technically negative time since it never happened. Why is my nose bleeding all of a sudden?
-Get drunk as hell off of one beer with constant rewinding.
-Post to your blog on time for once in your damn life.
So there you go folks, there are some possibly not previously considered options for time travel before the government breaks own your door for the device.
Thursday, November 29, 2012
What I've been doing instead of posting to the blog.
I realize I have not updated the blog in quite some time. And to those of you who want more crazy, shut the hell up I'm working on it. I'm already chugging paint at a tenth grade level. But if you want to know WHY I've been so goddamn lazy, here are a few reasons to satiate your constant questioning.
Instead of updating my blog, I have been-
-getting drunk
-driving for hours at a time
-playing video games
-training for the UFC
-plotting my enemies' demise
-trying to catch this one squirrel I saw running across my yard
-learning to bake bread
-surfing reddit
-designing next year's halloween costume
-staring at my computer and thinking "I'll do a post later"
-NOT working on my novel
-rewatching the same episode of Community so I can play it in my head anytime.
-getting beat up by babies
-trying to make a trending hashtag despite only having 23 followers
-trying to grow my twitter followers
-sitting on Facebook but not reading statuses
-drinking more coffee than I should
-napping illegally
-trying to figure out how to nap illegally
So there you have it. That's why I haven't updated the blog on time in such a long time. Get the fuck off my back about it.
Instead of updating my blog, I have been-
-getting drunk
-driving for hours at a time
-playing video games
-training for the UFC
-plotting my enemies' demise
-trying to catch this one squirrel I saw running across my yard
-learning to bake bread
-surfing reddit
-designing next year's halloween costume
-staring at my computer and thinking "I'll do a post later"
-NOT working on my novel
-rewatching the same episode of Community so I can play it in my head anytime.
-getting beat up by babies
-trying to make a trending hashtag despite only having 23 followers
-trying to grow my twitter followers
-sitting on Facebook but not reading statuses
-drinking more coffee than I should
-napping illegally
-trying to figure out how to nap illegally
So there you have it. That's why I haven't updated the blog on time in such a long time. Get the fuck off my back about it.
Friday, November 16, 2012
3 uses for books besides reading them
It's officially National Novel Writing Month and in honor of participating and knowing about it existing I want to expound on the greatness of books aside from just reading them. And I know there are the old stand bys of stabilizing a wobbly table, smacking a jerk friend, or smashing a big bug, but what about the lesser known uses? Here are three of the best.
3. Eating the book.
So you've read through the latest spy thriller from whoever writes those. You had a satisfying read and loved every thrill along the way. Now you're hungry, but it's late and your fridge is empty. Your grandpa always talked about how great roughage is, and what is paper but nature's roughage? Don't take big bites, as that isn't healthy, but go ahead and nibble away at your book until your belly is full and your imagination dancing with possible sequels to the thing you just ate.
2. Murder.
Sure, murder is bad, whatever. But think about how many lives you'll change when the defense attorney picks up your copy of "Ernest Hemingway Collection of short stories" wrapped in inside the evidence bag, the blood still splattered on the spine, and waves it around for all to see. The guy behind you will lean forward, inching ever so carefully, and ask "Hey, is that any good?" And you'll say "Yeah, it's great, especially 'Hills like White Elephants'" and he'll say "I will read that." You just produced another reader, thanks to that horrible murder over a spatula.
1. Hide your gun.
I don't mean your pissy little glock, I mean hide one of those giant sniper rifles you have to break down to get anywhere. That shit is legitimate, and people need to know you're both well read AND a fucking psycho. Sure you've never actually assembled or even fired the damn thing, but the fact you went to the trouble to carve out spots for every single component for your weapon and carry every book with you at all times proves that you deserve to cut the line at Starbucks. I mean, son of a bitch, all I want is a coffee, and that dipshit up front is ordering a weird specialty bullshit -chino something? Fuck that guy.
Happy Novel Month everyone! Learn to read or you may get bludgeoned to death with a copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets!
3. Eating the book.
So you've read through the latest spy thriller from whoever writes those. You had a satisfying read and loved every thrill along the way. Now you're hungry, but it's late and your fridge is empty. Your grandpa always talked about how great roughage is, and what is paper but nature's roughage? Don't take big bites, as that isn't healthy, but go ahead and nibble away at your book until your belly is full and your imagination dancing with possible sequels to the thing you just ate.
2. Murder.
Sure, murder is bad, whatever. But think about how many lives you'll change when the defense attorney picks up your copy of "Ernest Hemingway Collection of short stories" wrapped in inside the evidence bag, the blood still splattered on the spine, and waves it around for all to see. The guy behind you will lean forward, inching ever so carefully, and ask "Hey, is that any good?" And you'll say "Yeah, it's great, especially 'Hills like White Elephants'" and he'll say "I will read that." You just produced another reader, thanks to that horrible murder over a spatula.
1. Hide your gun.
I don't mean your pissy little glock, I mean hide one of those giant sniper rifles you have to break down to get anywhere. That shit is legitimate, and people need to know you're both well read AND a fucking psycho. Sure you've never actually assembled or even fired the damn thing, but the fact you went to the trouble to carve out spots for every single component for your weapon and carry every book with you at all times proves that you deserve to cut the line at Starbucks. I mean, son of a bitch, all I want is a coffee, and that dipshit up front is ordering a weird specialty bullshit -chino something? Fuck that guy.
Happy Novel Month everyone! Learn to read or you may get bludgeoned to death with a copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets!
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| Buffet/weapons/holsters |
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Why phone is better than a child.
It's no secret that I don't really like kids. It's also no secret that I'm not a huge fan of technology most of the time. But it needs to be said that I like one particular piece of technology, my phone, more than any child. Here are the top 5 reasons why that is.
5. My phone doesn't poop.
4. When I ask my phone a question it answers right away.
3. I can tell when my phone is tired and put it down for a nap without issue.
2. It's not weird to keep my phone in my pocket.
1. If my phone goes missing, I just get a new one.
5. My phone doesn't poop.
4. When I ask my phone a question it answers right away.
3. I can tell when my phone is tired and put it down for a nap without issue.
2. It's not weird to keep my phone in my pocket.
1. If my phone goes missing, I just get a new one.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Top ten Man Made objects monkeys love.
10. Jungle Gyms: It'slike the jungle, but without all those snakes and hunters and tigers. it's the swinging without the danger, and monkeys hate danger. Or so I assume, I don't actually know anything about monkeys.
9. Drums: Monkeys love noise, and there isn't much less like music and more like noise than drum sets. Monkeys just thrash and explosions happen!
8. Crayons: You ever watch a monkey color? They lose themselves, like in that "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" movie, Ceaser colored like an artist until he went nuts and enslaved humanity.
7. Fake boobs: Monkeys love normal boobs so why wouldn't they be big fans (pun intended) of always perfect never saggy boobs? It's a fact. (probably not fact)
6. Clint Eastwood: Mostly just Clyde was into Clint during "Every Which Way but Loose" and even then I think orangutans are apes, not monkeys. The arguments stands though.
5. Buttons: Not like on clothes, buttons that when pressed crazy shit happens. Hitting a button makes a banana happen? Fuck yes! But in monkey talk, so mostly grunts and shrieks.
4. Lab equipment: Why is this on the list. Only because most lab equipment is fragile AND expensive, which makes for a monkey's attention full force.
3. iPads: Monkeys love to break things and iPads are fun to break. Take THAT biting satire Apple!
2. Suits: There is a reason they call it a 'monkey suit'. I don't actually know what that reason is, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with how great monkeys look while wearing suits. If you toss in a hat and suitcase, well then hell yeah!
1. Masturbation: Man created the idea of tugging at your crank, but monkeys perfected it. Especially when elementary school groups walk by with the teacher trying to hide the sight of the lonley monkey making himself a little less lonely.
 |
| Monkeys fucking LOVE this. |
9. Drums: Monkeys love noise, and there isn't much less like music and more like noise than drum sets. Monkeys just thrash and explosions happen!
8. Crayons: You ever watch a monkey color? They lose themselves, like in that "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" movie, Ceaser colored like an artist until he went nuts and enslaved humanity.
7. Fake boobs: Monkeys love normal boobs so why wouldn't they be big fans (pun intended) of always perfect never saggy boobs? It's a fact. (probably not fact)
 |
| The best of friends. |
5. Buttons: Not like on clothes, buttons that when pressed crazy shit happens. Hitting a button makes a banana happen? Fuck yes! But in monkey talk, so mostly grunts and shrieks.
4. Lab equipment: Why is this on the list. Only because most lab equipment is fragile AND expensive, which makes for a monkey's attention full force.
 |
| He's BANANAS for style. |
2. Suits: There is a reason they call it a 'monkey suit'. I don't actually know what that reason is, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with how great monkeys look while wearing suits. If you toss in a hat and suitcase, well then hell yeah!
1. Masturbation: Man created the idea of tugging at your crank, but monkeys perfected it. Especially when elementary school groups walk by with the teacher trying to hide the sight of the lonley monkey making himself a little less lonely.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Two Ducks Discussing Politics
As two mallards drift across a pond in a popular park, they strike up a conversation.
Duck 1: I don't know, I just can't support the government anymore.
Duck 2: How do you mean?
D1: I mean that it's flawed and we should go back to a survival of the fittest.
D2: Umm, we're already doing that survival thing, we're ducks in nature.
D1: Right, but I mean a REAL survival. No more handouts, especially for immigrants.
D2: What immigrants? We live in a pond near a playground. And by "handouts" do you mean that bread they bring? Fuck you I'll take your bread then.
D1: And that's whats wrong with the system! You shouldn't get special treatment just because you have more ducklings than me! I earn everything I get.
D2: You can't claim that bread dropped by that two year old as "earning". That's the same kid who crapped his pants because he stood up too fast.
D1: Whatever. You certainly can't argue that we need a total overhaul.
D2: But you hate change. The last time they cut the grass different you lost your mind.
D1: This isn't about me! This is about our rights as citizens!
D2: Do we get rights? We're domesticated water fowl, I think we're lucky to be smart enough to avoid being where hunters go.
D1: Whatever, I can't talk to you like this.
D2: Fine dude, but that rich family is back, I'm getting me some of that sweet honey bread!
D1: Ohh, the honey bread people are back. Move aside Commie!
D2: Capitalist jerk.
Duck 1: I don't know, I just can't support the government anymore.
Duck 2: How do you mean?
D1: I mean that it's flawed and we should go back to a survival of the fittest.
D2: Umm, we're already doing that survival thing, we're ducks in nature.
D1: Right, but I mean a REAL survival. No more handouts, especially for immigrants.
D2: What immigrants? We live in a pond near a playground. And by "handouts" do you mean that bread they bring? Fuck you I'll take your bread then.
D1: And that's whats wrong with the system! You shouldn't get special treatment just because you have more ducklings than me! I earn everything I get.
D2: You can't claim that bread dropped by that two year old as "earning". That's the same kid who crapped his pants because he stood up too fast.
D1: Whatever. You certainly can't argue that we need a total overhaul.
D2: But you hate change. The last time they cut the grass different you lost your mind.
D1: This isn't about me! This is about our rights as citizens!
D2: Do we get rights? We're domesticated water fowl, I think we're lucky to be smart enough to avoid being where hunters go.
D1: Whatever, I can't talk to you like this.
D2: Fine dude, but that rich family is back, I'm getting me some of that sweet honey bread!
D1: Ohh, the honey bread people are back. Move aside Commie!
D2: Capitalist jerk.
 |
| It's a smart duck because he's dressed nice. |
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
A Series of Letters to myself in the future and past after traveling through time
Dear Blake at 6:40 PM March 23rd 2011
You did
it! I am writing this seconds after
traveling forward in time approximately three months. I’m in the same room as when I left, the main
difference is that there are different books on the shelf and I’m pretty sure
if I check the fridge the milk will have been bad for awhile. How exciting!
Next I may try traveling backwards in time.
Best Wishes!
-Blake at 6:40 PM June 23rd 2011
Dear Blake at 6:41 PM March 23rd 2011
This is
Blake in the 1970s! I can’t be more
specific since I never planned for exact years, but there are bell bottoms
everywhere and everything feels laid back yet on the verge of riot at the same
time. I guess the room wasn’t here back
then as I’m in a field with the device.
There is a group of people walking over to me, they look a little
displeased. I’ll simply explain what has
happened and ask to speak with President Nixon, he’ll tide things over.
See you in 40 years!
Blake at 6:40 PM March 23rd sometime in the 1970s
Dear Blake at 6:42 PM March 23rd 2011
It’s the
Blake from three months into the future.
I don’t know what you did in the span between your time and mine, but
all of these books are in French and there’s a basement full of shaved cats
that were definitely not there 3 months ago.
Did you go mad with the idea of time travel and dig out a basement only
to fill it with cats to be shaved? Also
tell Blake from the 1970s to NOT talk to Jack Nicholson about his movie roles,
things will go poorly.
Best of luck sir.
Blake at 7:13 PM June 23rd 2011
Dear Blake at 6:43 PM June 23rd 2011
It’s the
Blake form the 70’s and things just got fucked up. I ran into Jack Nicholson and told him
“Chinatown” is crap and he freaked and dropped the project. Now Mark Hamill is starring and I worry that
may upset the time stream.
Stay Strong
Blake from the 70’s
Dear Blake at 6:44 PM March 23rd 2011
It’s Blake
from three months into the future, and the movie you’re waiting to go see is
terrible. It’s nothing but explosions,
no story, the cast is a joke, and the production values are so sad that it
makes my camera phone legitimate competition.
Again, do not go to see Avatar 2: Pandora Rising. It’s no good.
Love yourself!
Blake from June 23rd 2011
Dear Future and Past Blakes
This is
Blake from 6:40 PM March 23rd 2011.
STOP SENDING LETTERS. I’m already
bored with the time machine and decided to add a basement to my house so knock
it off. I don’t care if the time stream
is broken or what will happen in three months.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to Home Decorum and get some tools
for my anti capitalist basement for the Czar.
Oh how he hates cats.
All Hail Glorious Leader Charles Sheen,
Comrade Blake
Monday, September 24, 2012
There is no Tooth Fairy
There is no Tooth Fairy.
There is no Tooth Fairy. There is no tiny pixie hovering over your bed taking your discarded and unwashed teeth. There is no tiny mythical being who places money where your tooth once was. There is no magical being who gets inside your room, under your pillow TWICE only to escape with your loosed molar, eye tooth, or incisor.
There is no district warehouse for various Tooth Faries to deposit their nightly haul of teeth. There is no foreman who checks the teeth, discards the bad teeth and allows the good teeth to go on the Tooth Fairy truck.
There is no foul home where a team of Tooth Fairy scientists and dark wizards take all of the good teeth taken by the hordes of Tooth Faries. There is no evil plan to merge science with dark magics to create something called "The Final Solution" in the tooth fairy community. There is no final solution in the tooth world where a terrifying Tooth Golem is constructed.
There is no Tooth Golem that would roam the planet, devouring people and destroying homes. There is no plan where the President of the United States will have to press a blinking red button to nuke the Tooth Golem. And there is absolutely no chance that the Tooth Golem will survive and continue to wreak havoc on a world ripped apart by nuclear fallout.
So don't bother looking for the non existent tooth fairy that is playing a small but vital part in what will eventually become the downfall of man kind under the rule of the Tooth King.
Now rememeber, there is no Tooth Fairy.
There is no Tooth Fairy. There is no tiny pixie hovering over your bed taking your discarded and unwashed teeth. There is no tiny mythical being who places money where your tooth once was. There is no magical being who gets inside your room, under your pillow TWICE only to escape with your loosed molar, eye tooth, or incisor.
There is no district warehouse for various Tooth Faries to deposit their nightly haul of teeth. There is no foreman who checks the teeth, discards the bad teeth and allows the good teeth to go on the Tooth Fairy truck.
There is no foul home where a team of Tooth Fairy scientists and dark wizards take all of the good teeth taken by the hordes of Tooth Faries. There is no evil plan to merge science with dark magics to create something called "The Final Solution" in the tooth fairy community. There is no final solution in the tooth world where a terrifying Tooth Golem is constructed.
There is no Tooth Golem that would roam the planet, devouring people and destroying homes. There is no plan where the President of the United States will have to press a blinking red button to nuke the Tooth Golem. And there is absolutely no chance that the Tooth Golem will survive and continue to wreak havoc on a world ripped apart by nuclear fallout.
So don't bother looking for the non existent tooth fairy that is playing a small but vital part in what will eventually become the downfall of man kind under the rule of the Tooth King.
Now rememeber, there is no Tooth Fairy.
 |
| Can you smeeeeeeeell the tooth conspiracy? |
Thursday, September 20, 2012
The REAL 50 Shades of Grey
1. Grey
2. Light grey
3. Dark Grey
4. Charcoal Grey
5. Night Grey
6. Very dark grey
7. Really light grey
8. Cloud grey
9. Mixed paint grey
10. Jean Grey
11. Sasha Grey
12. Old crayon grey
13. Light black
14. Dirty white
15. Batman grey
16. Smoke grey
17. Koala grey
18. Near death in video games grey
19. Old photograph grey
20. Rain grey
21. Three Stooges grey
22. Steel grey
23. Old man hair grey
24. Gross poorly cooked chicken grey
25. Dust grey
26. Flask grey
27. Macy grey
28. Ash grey
29. Earl grey
30. Ghost grey
31. Nook grey
32. Right grey
33. Wrong grey
34. Sort of grey
35. Metal grey
36. Robot grey
37. Instagram grey
38. Not really grey
39. Gay grey
40. Hun grey
41. An grey
42. Chang grey
43. Mon grey
44. Between good and evil grey
45. Golf club grey
46. Bank interior grey
47. Lamp grey
48. The Offspring t-shirt grey
49. Not even grey
50. Getting spanked by some rich guy named grey
2. Light grey
3. Dark Grey
4. Charcoal Grey
5. Night Grey
6. Very dark grey
7. Really light grey
8. Cloud grey
9. Mixed paint grey
10. Jean Grey
11. Sasha Grey
12. Old crayon grey
13. Light black
14. Dirty white
15. Batman grey
16. Smoke grey
17. Koala grey
18. Near death in video games grey
19. Old photograph grey
20. Rain grey
21. Three Stooges grey
22. Steel grey
23. Old man hair grey
24. Gross poorly cooked chicken grey
25. Dust grey
26. Flask grey
27. Macy grey
28. Ash grey
29. Earl grey
30. Ghost grey
31. Nook grey
32. Right grey
33. Wrong grey
34. Sort of grey
35. Metal grey
36. Robot grey
37. Instagram grey
38. Not really grey
39. Gay grey
40. Hun grey
41. An grey
42. Chang grey
43. Mon grey
44. Between good and evil grey
45. Golf club grey
46. Bank interior grey
47. Lamp grey
48. The Offspring t-shirt grey
49. Not even grey
50. Getting spanked by some rich guy named grey
Monday, September 17, 2012
An Open Letter to Men with Shy Bladders
Dear guys with shy bladders,
I would like to call you out on this so called "condition".
What fears could you possibly have being near someone while you pee? There should never be a reason to fear peeing near others. The pitfalls of shy bladder are two fold.
First, if you don't go whenever you need to, then your body builds up kidney stones. These are incredibly painful, cost you thousands of dollars in hospital bills, and then you have to force the stones out your urethra while several people watch you. See how your shy bladder has betrayed you?
Second, if you have to tell people not to watch you when you pee then you're sacrificing your role in the pack that is your group of peers. If lower ranking members of the pack sense any form of weakness they will pounce. But since we're a civilized culture, instead of tearing you apart with their teeth they will instead make fun of you and your "condition".
Now to make a side note to men with bladders so fearful they must take up residence in a bathroom stall merely to urinate. Stop being a coward. The stall is for those of us who ate a large meal and need to pass it quickly. You wouldn't want us squatting over the urinals, we don't want you splashing the seat.
So please, if you have a shy bladder, get over yourself and gain some confidence.
Thank you, and happy trails,
-Blake Hunt
I would like to call you out on this so called "condition".
What fears could you possibly have being near someone while you pee? There should never be a reason to fear peeing near others. The pitfalls of shy bladder are two fold.
First, if you don't go whenever you need to, then your body builds up kidney stones. These are incredibly painful, cost you thousands of dollars in hospital bills, and then you have to force the stones out your urethra while several people watch you. See how your shy bladder has betrayed you?
Second, if you have to tell people not to watch you when you pee then you're sacrificing your role in the pack that is your group of peers. If lower ranking members of the pack sense any form of weakness they will pounce. But since we're a civilized culture, instead of tearing you apart with their teeth they will instead make fun of you and your "condition".
Now to make a side note to men with bladders so fearful they must take up residence in a bathroom stall merely to urinate. Stop being a coward. The stall is for those of us who ate a large meal and need to pass it quickly. You wouldn't want us squatting over the urinals, we don't want you splashing the seat.
So please, if you have a shy bladder, get over yourself and gain some confidence.
Thank you, and happy trails,
-Blake Hunt
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Interview with a Bear
I imagine an interview with a live bear would be daunting, but within the realm of achievable.
First off we would have to go with a black bear. Grizzly and polar bears are too volatile for the studio audience. Why the studio audience? Because if we're going to ask a bear questions, we have to do it right.
We'll ignore the obvious questions like "Do you really eat honey?" and "So where is Boo Boo?" It would be like if you asked a black person where their fried chicken is. It's rude, undignified, and an eensy bit racist.
But what questions could we ask the bear? Well for that we would want questions people may be genuinely curious about. Examples include if they really can run as fast as a horse or if they ever eat too much salmon.
I imagine the bear would have many stories about catching salmon in the river or shitting in the woods; we would humor the bear because the bear is a guest and one should always be polite to the guest. We would wade through the fish and shit stories to get to the real hearty stuff.
Hearty stuff like surviving forest fires, eating a camper who wandered too close to the bear's cubs, or the best way to scratch one's back against a tree. These would be the hard hitting questions that would make Charlie Rose proud if he wasn't scared of bears.
I imagine the bear would speak out against fictional representations of bears like Yogi and Pooh, who make bears look fat and lazy. But the bear would applaud mankind on Smokey while remaining silent about the Charmin bears. You know, the bears that get bits of toilet paper stuck to their butts?
They would not mention the Charmin bears and we would not, pardon the pun poke the bear. Maybe an audience member would shout out the question and the bear would eat them. I would allow, for it is what bears do.
I imagine the interview would start off shaky, but then things would go smoothly.
Then the bear would slaughter the host as the credits roll.
First off we would have to go with a black bear. Grizzly and polar bears are too volatile for the studio audience. Why the studio audience? Because if we're going to ask a bear questions, we have to do it right.
We'll ignore the obvious questions like "Do you really eat honey?" and "So where is Boo Boo?" It would be like if you asked a black person where their fried chicken is. It's rude, undignified, and an eensy bit racist.
But what questions could we ask the bear? Well for that we would want questions people may be genuinely curious about. Examples include if they really can run as fast as a horse or if they ever eat too much salmon.
I imagine the bear would have many stories about catching salmon in the river or shitting in the woods; we would humor the bear because the bear is a guest and one should always be polite to the guest. We would wade through the fish and shit stories to get to the real hearty stuff.
Hearty stuff like surviving forest fires, eating a camper who wandered too close to the bear's cubs, or the best way to scratch one's back against a tree. These would be the hard hitting questions that would make Charlie Rose proud if he wasn't scared of bears.
I imagine the bear would speak out against fictional representations of bears like Yogi and Pooh, who make bears look fat and lazy. But the bear would applaud mankind on Smokey while remaining silent about the Charmin bears. You know, the bears that get bits of toilet paper stuck to their butts?
They would not mention the Charmin bears and we would not, pardon the pun poke the bear. Maybe an audience member would shout out the question and the bear would eat them. I would allow, for it is what bears do.
I imagine the interview would start off shaky, but then things would go smoothly.
Then the bear would slaughter the host as the credits roll.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Hobo Itinerary
8:00-8:15 Screaming night terrors outside public school
8:30-9:47 Sit on a bench with all possessions with single cup of coffee
9:50-10:00 Check bindle for cap of soup, fingerless gloves, and stabbin knife
10:00-12:00 Panhandle at train station
12:00-12:05 Hop on boxcar for free
12:10-3:00 Survive what is referred to as Hobo Fight Club
3:00-3:05 Get thrown out of boxcar by observational cop
3:05-3:15 Recover self and bindle
3:15-5:00 Sleep under a tree by the river
5:00-5:20 Get mistaken for a dead body, wake up to terrified children
5:20-7:50 Make way into town, get enough change for a meal
7:50-8:30 Buy booze
8:30-8:40 Drink booze
8:40-??? Make alot of noise and commotion then pass out
8:30-9:47 Sit on a bench with all possessions with single cup of coffee
9:50-10:00 Check bindle for cap of soup, fingerless gloves, and stabbin knife
10:00-12:00 Panhandle at train station
12:00-12:05 Hop on boxcar for free
12:10-3:00 Survive what is referred to as Hobo Fight Club
3:00-3:05 Get thrown out of boxcar by observational cop
3:05-3:15 Recover self and bindle
3:15-5:00 Sleep under a tree by the river
5:00-5:20 Get mistaken for a dead body, wake up to terrified children
5:20-7:50 Make way into town, get enough change for a meal
7:50-8:30 Buy booze
8:30-8:40 Drink booze
8:40-??? Make alot of noise and commotion then pass out
Friday, September 7, 2012
Times you probably should not drink
Life is rough. You go through the motions and the only medicine to ease the pain of existence is alcohol! But beer, wine, and liquor are not always the right answer. There are dozens, literally DOZENS of scenarios where drinking is inappropriate. Following are a samples of those dozens.
Taxes: Taxes are stressful, so it's only natural to have a few drinks to clam your nerves. Never mind that any mistakes made on these forms will determine how much money you're given or due to pay. And never mind the fact that people tend to make more mistakes when they drink. I just worry about that hangover coming on the same day when taxes are actually due.
Organizing your house: So you have to clean out the closet, organize your desk, and rearrange the living room? Sure a glass or two of wine will help you get motivated, but if you indulge too much then you wind up laying across your desk that is now in the living room, watching tv upside down and wearing three coats you found in your closet.
Writing thank you letters: Now no one likes doing these, but they are vital Think about how the room spins when you get too drunk, do you want to try and hand write anything? Never mind the letters, try writing your own name. You can't? And that's why you don't write thank you letters drunk
Meeting new people: What better way to meet new people than when hammered? You can't quite pronounce any words, you're louder than you should be, and you keep hitting on that girl who was clearly introduced as the host's girlfriend. Seriously, drink some water, rummy.
Taxes: Taxes are stressful, so it's only natural to have a few drinks to clam your nerves. Never mind that any mistakes made on these forms will determine how much money you're given or due to pay. And never mind the fact that people tend to make more mistakes when they drink. I just worry about that hangover coming on the same day when taxes are actually due.
Organizing your house: So you have to clean out the closet, organize your desk, and rearrange the living room? Sure a glass or two of wine will help you get motivated, but if you indulge too much then you wind up laying across your desk that is now in the living room, watching tv upside down and wearing three coats you found in your closet.
Writing thank you letters: Now no one likes doing these, but they are vital Think about how the room spins when you get too drunk, do you want to try and hand write anything? Never mind the letters, try writing your own name. You can't? And that's why you don't write thank you letters drunk
Meeting new people: What better way to meet new people than when hammered? You can't quite pronounce any words, you're louder than you should be, and you keep hitting on that girl who was clearly introduced as the host's girlfriend. Seriously, drink some water, rummy.
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