Movieholic: Total Recall

I have a theory about Total Recall and the ad campaign.

They showed the trailer for Total Recall for just about EVERY action movie that came out inthe past few months.  There's the one trailer with the exact same sequence of scenes cut together to serve as an advertisement.  This is not aspoiler to say just about every scene in the movie was in the trailer.  After watching the trailer more than three times, and thens eeing the movie, every twenty minutes or so I caught myself going "Oh yeah, this is when Quaid does this thing!".

My theory is that the studio wanted you to "recall" the trailer over and over so it's like you're the one in that weird chair.  There, theory posited, discuss.

Quick synopsis: Doug Quaid (Farrell) hates his life, tries Rekall, finds out he's a double agent, kicks ass against his wife Lori (Beckinsale) kicks ass with Melina (Biel) and spends most of the movie trying to find out who he really is.

Being a summer movie, Total Recall did it's job in that it was fun to watch.  It had the proper mixture of everything you need for a late summer sci fi action movie.  There were fight scenes, a dash of philosophical exchange from the source material, a little bit of drama, and then more wanton destruction.  Mix in a bowl of dystopian future and voila, a new Total Recall feed your sci-i and action hunger.

That being said I felt that for a movie loosely based on anything by Phillip K. Dick there was an awful lot of action.  Like so much action.  I felt tired after watching due to the amount of moving and punching on screen.  Though that didn't stop the director from tossing in bits of the original short story as weirdly timed dialogue in a way that felt like he used copy and paste methods.

Go team Recall for the subplot about class wars and corrupt people in positions of power, but it felt like they put it in due to "It's science fiction so it's required".

But everyone did their character fine, Bryan Cranston always get s a yay vote from me and Colin Farrell was in his element.  Since I consider Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale the same person from different timelines, it was weird watching them go head to head.

Movieholic: Prometheus review

So I saw Prometheus tonight, and I will try to keep it short and spoiler free- but no promises.

I watched the credits roll a little under an hour ago, and I'm still piecing together bits of the puzzle left.  Don't be confused, that is a very good thing.  If I pay ten bucks for a movie ticket I expect to be leaving with the movie still swirling around my head.

First off, it's visually amazing, but who wouldn't expect Ridley Scott to not make a feast for your eyes?  The alien planet and the ship contrast each other well, and even though we start on Earth-Scotland, specifically- we're quickly sent into space to the expedition's target.  A planet thought to be the source of distinct cave paintings conjured in Earth civilizations centuries apart.

So Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) and Charlie Holloway (Logan Marshall-Green) lead a team of biologists, ship crew, and geologists to this distant planet to find our creators.  As they touch down they inspect a series of caves that feel like the rib cage of a snake and discover something they never expected.

While this is a prequel to Alien, it doesn't remind you of that fact every two minutes.  In fact, Prometheus does a great job of being its own movie.  It does mirror themes and characters, such as the android, the strong female lead, and, at times, faulty lighting, but it never feels like Ridley Scott is saying "Hey, it's just like Alien, right?"

Having watched Alien fairly recently I tried to suppress the urge to find precursors to the slimy monster we all know and fear, but anything else that popped up felt natural.  But this movie does stand on it's own merits, and even feels like a different movie from the alien universe for most of the film.  Part mystery, part horror, all science fiction.

Watching Prometheus and it's dwindling crew (not a spoiler: people die) would have more thrilling if we had gotten a little more time with all the characters.  We got plenty of Shaw, Holloway, David (Micheal Fassbender) and Meredith Vickers (Charlize Theron) and I was happy for that.  But it would have been nice to get a little more back story on the crew aside from the fifteen minute exposition scene explaining why they flew into space.

Since I refuse to use a numbered rating system I'll say this: If you enjoy science fiction, Ridley Scott, or any of the Alien movies (particularly the first one) then check out Prometheus.  If you hate slimy things, tense scenes, or prequels, then go see something else.




Oh, and anything post credits comes shortly after the movie ends, so don't fret about staying until the very end of the scrolling names.  You'll know it when you see it.

Have your webbing cake and Batarang it too

I am excited for both "The Amazing Spider-Man" AND "The Dark Knight Rises".  Never mind that pronouncing both titles in one sentence requires a masters degree (lies, I only have a Bachelors), but I can't wait to see the Spider-Man reboot and  The Dark Knight Rises.

I mention this because I've noticed a trend both in the online community and my friends.  When the first ASM trailer showed people actually booed it in theaters.  But recently I notice more talk of wanting to see The Amazing Spider-Man and less wanting to see The Dark Knight Rises.

My theory is that people just don't want to see the ride end for Christopher Nolan.  We had an amazing and well done reboot in one film, an incredible portrayal of both the Joker and Two-Face in the second film, and now we're going to be given the possible film debut of Batman being broken by the only villain capable of the deed.  It's like getting to the end of a good book and wishing more pages would magically appear.

I still think TDKR will sell like crazy, but not as much as TDK due to the lack of Heath Ledger.  I spend many an hour wondering if The Dark Knight Rises would have a Bane and Joker face off, but I must accept there's no more film Joker in any project Christopher Nolan is involved with.  Still, Bane is a great villain, Tom Hardy is an amazing actor, and the entire team is top notch.  So it's possible that the acting and drama have been kicked up a notch to make up for the lack of "Bwa hahahaha" and "Let's put a smile on that FACE" from the man who made a million Halloween costumes the October after The Dark Knight hit theaters.

I will reiterate, I am looking forward to both films and regret being out of the country for the premier of TDKR (I'm not paying to watch a movie in France with goddamn subtitles) but I can't wait for the beginning of Marc Webb's vision and the end of Christopher Nolan's vision.  Oh shit!  There's a theme there!  Engage!

Spoiler Alert: Code Reddish-Orange

I recently saw a comment for a trailer that claims the trailer gave away too much of the story.  To that person I ask what did you expect from a trailer? 


Now I will go on the record as saying spoilers are the worst plague on humanity.  It sucks when someone tells you the big twist or the end of a movie.  Spoilers take you out of the story and destroy any tension you would have felt with the main character.  It's hard to maintain that feeling when you know that the hero is going to survive the terrorist attack and marry the damsel in distress.

Spider-Man vs Koopa Troopa Prime

Another reason to abolish spoilers is to let the movie goer unleash their imaginations.  When I saw the first trailer for "The Amazing Spider-Man" I couldn't help but consider how other villains beyond the lizard might make an appearance.  We might finally get to see Mysterio, or Electro!  Could there be a new Doc Ock?  And seeing the bit of story in the trailer allowed me to rest easy that the Lizard is going to be a great villain and I don't have to worry about him until opening night.




Also the limitations on spoilers needs to be defined.  Can you spoil a movie after five years?  Ten?  More?  Is it a spoiler to say that King Kong dies at the end?  Doesn't everyone know that Bruce Willis is dead in Sixth Sense?  I feel it's safe to say that when something is spoofed a thousand times over you can call it on that.  There were actually people who were outraged when they had "Titanic" spoiled for them when others mentioned how the boat sinks.  It's not a spoiler if it actually happened in real life.  Retards.

Spoiler: They get Kong off the island.

Well, that's all I wanted to say for now, I'll hop off my soapbox and watch some movie trailers.

My thoughts on "The Batman Voice"

Hello all.  No goofy essay this week, instead I wanted to share my thoughts on one of my favorite things to come out of comics, and that is what I'm calling "The Batman Voice".

If you're unsure what I mean by "The Batman Voice" (TBV for simplicity sake) I'm referring to how Christian Bale (and a good decade before, Kevin Conroy on the Batman Animated Series) use their regular voice to portray playboy Bruce Wayne, but then drop to a lower register and harsher quality for when they portray Batman.

While I do poke fun at the voice and how saying regular things in TBV brings infinite joy to my day, (examples are "I don't want fries" and "Bane you're a dick") the voice is important for the character.  When Bruce Wayne has to get into the mindset to brutally attack thugs, mod bosses, and psycho villains, he needs to do something to shift beyond the practice of suiting up.  He needs to trick his brain into think he is a different person altogether.

Ignoring the obvious physical strain of a dual life as the face of a company and the shadow of Gotham's justice, the mental strain can be, and usually is, enough to shatter any man.  If Bruce Wayne wore the bat suit and kept his regular voice, he would never sleep simply due to the night life he leads.  But combining the cowl and alteration of his voice, Bruce Wayne ceases to exist for a few hours, and Batman comes out to save the day.  Now Bruce can sleep a little easier and Batman gets the job done.

If this sounds familiar, I would agree.  I would not doubt that the premise of Fight Club borrowed from this idea of Batman and Bruce Wayne, or any hero with an alter ego barely co-existing, as we see with The Narrator and Tyler Durden.

That was all I wanted to say, thank you for reading this far (or even clicking on the link) and I hope everyone enjoys The Dark Knight Rises as much as I expect to.

10 word movie reviews

Why wade through an entire lengthy review of a movie wen you really just want a blurb about it?  Welcome to your fantasy come true!  Here are some reviews on movies that I give you in only 10 words!

Batman Begins

Bats kicks ass, looks awesome, thanks Chris Nolan.  Bat swarm!

Captain America

Holy shit Chris Evans kicks Nazi butt.  Eat it Superman.

Snatch

British criminals fight for diamond.  I would watch it again.

Boondock Saints

Irish brothers fight crime.  Also “fuck” is a versatile word.

Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy

"I’m trapped in a glass box of emotion!"  Brick’s retarded.

The Kingdom

Foxx and Beil fight Saudi terrorists.  Pretty hardcore, but preachy.

3 movies within movies

When I watch a movie I notice how some stories never get told.  Stories involving characters that have almost NOTHING to do with the main story.  Well I'm here to give these unimportant and pointless characters their due.

Movie: Ferris Bueller's day off.
Movie in a Movie:  Free Wheelin'

Remember when Ferris, Sloan, and Cameron arrive in the city and they leave the car in a parking garage?  Only to not see the attendant leave in the car to drive around with his buddy.  That movie in a movie chronicles how the twoguys hang out one last time before they have to go their separate ways (military and family problems).  It's a touching comedy about friendship, making every minute count, and host nasty speed in a convertible.


Movie: Batman Begins
Movie in a Movie: Bruce's Billions

So Bruce Wayne acts like a dick so people don't figure out that he's Batman, which is clever, but not Bruce Wayne's idea.  Bruce inherited his father's money with one caveat: spend it all like crazy and act like an asshole to friends and family.  It's basically Brewster's Millions, but with super heroes.


Movie: Little Nicky
Movie in a Movie: The Life and Troubles of Gatekeeper

So when Gatekeeper pisses of the Devil (or whatever) Devil gives Gatekeeper boobs on his head.  Thus kicks off the Woody Allen style dramady as we follow Gatekeeper in his day to day, now with tits on his head.  While we're along for the ride we learn to love to hapless Gatekeeper as he learns to love his new head nipples.

Movie reviews based on the posters

Hey folks, Blake here, letting you know that I'm feeling a bit under the weather, so I've asked a guy who says he's a film critic to write some reviews for me.  I'll be back next time, enjoy!


One time replacement Ian Nicholas Tern here.  So I never found the time to see the movies I'm supposed to review, but Blake already gave me a bag of money.  So you're getting reviews based on the posters.  


Hugo

So I'm supposed to believe this kid got onto a clock all by himself?  No f***ing way.  Those shorts are stupid, the clock isn't digital, and I can't see the top of the clock tower.  I'm assuming they forgot to finish the drawing.  Also the kid looks fat, fail.






The Muppets

Jason Segel is holding back an army of felt monsters.  It ain't easy being green when you're putting a bullet through your skull.  But I do like that he dressed nice for the poster. I'm guessing that's church nice.  What were we talking about?








A Dangerous Method

I guess Magneto and Aragorn are fighting over Elizabeth Swan?  Meh, though if Knightly gets naked in this, I'll consider seeing it.  What?  No nudity?  Go to hell ratings system.









Arthur Christmas

If there is a God, please do me a favor and kill me before this comes out.  The last thing I need is some jackass saving Christmas AGAIN.














The Hunger Games

So this was a book first?  Or was it a senior class photo?  Either way I'm not going to go see it.


















Tyrannosaur

So is this a sequel/prequel to Jurassic Park, I think, and it follows that scary ass T-Rex.  Man that thing was scary.  But I'm tired of dinosaurs.  Fail.









The Lie

A man lies to a baby in a car seat.  I'm always up for lying to children.  This movie gets a pass and I'll watch this forever.








Ok that's all you're getting.  Blake will be back next time, and if you know what's good for you you'll heed my reviews.  HEED!

The films these posters advertised are the sole property of whoever owns them, this site only pokes fun in jest, so don't sue.  If you sue, you'll get one nice pair of shoes and half a sandwich, that's all I got.

Five things I want from the upcoming Deadpool movie.

There is a Deadpool movie slated for 2014 based on the Marvel comics character.  I am excited about this because I am a huge Deadpool fan.  Now, being a fan AND a nerd, it is my civic internet duty (hehe "duty") to discuss the film and what I want from it.  Like making ransom demands when I have nothing to ransom, here are the top 5 things I want from this film when it eventually hits theaters.

Deadpool, the merc with a mouth.

5.  Make him to freak out over losing his mask.

     Early Deadpool comics made it important to the character that his real face, the scarred wreck of skin, never be seen.  I would like to see Ryan Reynolds scream “My face!  Give me back MY FACE!”  That could add a bit of drama to the film and make the uninitiated care about Deadpool as a character.  Plus we’re going to have to see his messed up face eventually.

4.  Reference the audience/ break down that 4^th wall

     I was not satisfied with his crappy “Shhh” at the end of Wolverine Origins, we need Ryan Reynolds to go all Zach Morris and turn to the audience, telling them “You get where I’m coming from!”  They don’t need to overdo it, but they need to do it properly.

3.  Reference T-Ray or make him the villain

     Spider-Man has Green Goblin, Captain America has Red Skull, and Deadpool has T-Ray.  Sure Hollywood will try to get a more well known foe for Deadpool to fight, or they’ll make the Merc with a Mouth off some generic mob boss.  But At least referencing T-Ray would be the coolest, show some big ass dude with a band-aid over his nose and wielding some dark magic, that would be the best scene to end on.  

2.  To be an action comedy

     Don’t make it straight up action with bits of humor like Wolverine Origins.  Make it a half and half production.  Deadpool is constantly talking and is always hilarious, so make us laugh while he’s shooting guys in the face.  Or chuckle during the big ass explosion (you know there will be at least one).  Most people I know who read the Joe Kelly run or the Daniel Way run laugh out loud at least three or four times per weekly issue.  Anytime I’m bummed I pick up a Deadpool collection and let it lift my spirits.

1.  To be rated R.

     There is nothing wrong with a PG-13 movie, but the Deadpool comics are often filed with potty language and are always violent.  As much as it make me sound like a greasy nerd who wants more violence and bloodshed, it’s really just me wanting the movie to keep true to the material on a level that makes sense.

Thoughts on 3-D Movies

It's dumb.

Maybe dumb is the wrong word.  "Insulting" works.  "Unnecessary" fits pretty well.

I understand that movies are trying to keep up with television in the numbers, but I think it's wrong to use a gimmick like 3-D to bring the numbers up when they could just write better stories and not go straight to the cheap and easy solution.

It could also be a problem of inflation.  There are more and more movies being made, and to insure they aren't all the same, tactics must be shifted.  Shifted is the wrong word, but I don't have time to find the right word.

I would like to get Sun Tzu's teaching's into the world of film production.  The Art of War and Film has a nice ring to it.

It is said that it's a miracle any movie gets made.  Considering how many movies come out each year, that statement seems suspect to hyperbole and outright lies.  Perhaps if you're in a position of little to no power it's tough to get a movie made, but if you're a jack-ass with no idea what the public wants or needs and just want to see your paycheck get bigger.

I'm sure that last statement carries a lot of weight since SO many film executives read my blog. (That was sarcasm kids.  Also, if you're an actual kid, please stop reading this, I say dirty words.  Like "poop" and "potty" and "fucknards")

Back to the topic at hand.  3-D movies seem like a terrible idea because you need glasses to watch them, they cost more to make and watch, and there are many, many people who can't even get the 3-D to work (pirates, and people with legitimate eye problems).  Even when they make a movie with 3-D in mind, how am I supposed to enjoy it at home?  I don't have the funds to buy a 3-D television that only 2 people can watch at a time.  Ridiculous.
Anyway, Those are my thoughts on 3-D movies.

Movies with the best yells.

There is no order to this list, I just want to post about movies with yelling that I enjoy.

The Incredible Hulk:  Remember when he was all "Hulk...SMASH!"  Totally awesome, I rewound that chunk of the scene and set it in my blu ray live thing, it gets me so pumped for using the bathroom, or buying food.  "Hulk hate paper bag!  Hulk bring own bag!"

Seven:  Brad Pitt was all "No!  Nooooo!!"  Just screaming his head off and freaking out.  That was pretty kickass.  It gave me chills.  I'm gonna go watch that movie again now.

Spider-Man 3:  Peter Parker was ripping the symbiote off and then the bell rings.  That thing screeched like a banshee, it was amazing.  I never thought you could recreate such an amazing moment from comic to film.  In a mediocre movie, that was a spot of brilliance.

I know there are more, but I forget them, and now my hands won' stop shaking with caffeine.  I'm going to go stare at a brick wall until my heart stops beating.  Maybe I'll vibrate through the wall.  Fingers crossed!