Why Super Powers Are Bad

Flight

Oh yeah flying is awesome until you lose concentration and fall to the ground at top speed becoming people pulp upon impact.  You know what else is in the air flying with you?  Planes.  And what do planes have?  Engines.  And what do engines do to everything?  Grind everything into bloody goo.  Also now the plane is going down and now everyone can land a plane with one good engine due to flying jackass.  Way to go buddy, you’re as bad as a terrorist.  Plus people hate birds, and now you’re like a bird.  We hate you now.

Super Healing 

Think Wolverine but without the claws.  How great would it be to never suffer a permanent injury?  It’s so awesome that we should celebrate by calling out sick and going to the beach.  Oh, wait, you can’t call out sick because the boss knows you never get sick.  Now you have to lie and say your grandma’s dead.  But the joke is still on you because she visits your job the same goddamn day!  Hooray, you’re impossible to kill AND fired.  Plus grandma is mad at you for saying she died.  Goodbye birthday money, you dick.

Spider-Man Powers

These are fine.  No issues with spidey powers, go nuts.  It’s the one right answer.

Super Important answers to Less Important questions

Now it’s time for some questions I asked my super smart elephant who appears when I drink enough beer shots with paint thinner chasers.  His name is Harold and he's the smartest hallucination based friend I have.

Why didn’t Wile. E. Coyote try buying from someone besides Acme?

Because they were in a dictator economy.

Does Batman’s cape ever get tangled up?

Only when he’s off panel.

When Spider-Man has organic webbing where does his body store the excess?

It’s his blood.

Why don’t we go to the moon anymore?

Because the moon sucks, Jupiter is where it’s at.

Who would in a fight; Thor or Satan?

The real winner is the viewer of that pay per view match.

If reincarnation is true are there cows walking around like people?

Yes, but cows hate themselves which is why we have cow tippers.

What is the best combination of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?

Grape Butter and Peanut Jelly.

Is there anything that everyone agrees on?

People agree that other people falling down is always funny.

Is the Lord of the Ring series good PR or bad PR for wizards?

Mostly bad since Sarumon was a dick and Gandalf became a series of internet memes.