Sunday, December 18, 2011

Holiday wish lists over the years

In the spirit of the holidays I have decided to collect a series of letters sent by people requesting various wants from their respective holiday peoples.  (This isn't real please don't sue me or throw a brick through my window)

Dear Santa,
I would like the following
one partridge
one pear tree
a couple of turtle doves
a gold ring for each finger on my right hand
some geese that can lay eggs
a sweet party with dancing ladies
a dozen drummers just drumming the shit out of their drums

Dear Hanukkah Harry,
I would like my oil for my menorah to last as long as possible.  As you must know times are tough and we need to make this oil last.  If you can make it go eight nights, then that would amazing, thank you.

Dear Kwanzaa mascot
Please send me the purpose of Kwanzaa.  I've been celebrating this holiday for five years now and I don't know what I'm doing.  Thank you in advance, I guess.
(Apologies to Futurama for stealing that last joke)

Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster ,
Bring destruction to my enemies and pain to my foes.  If you could do this really soon that would be much appreciated.  Also how do you exist?

To Retailius, the God of Retail,

Please make this holiday season less hectic, stressful, and agonizing for retail employees.  Seriously, customers are dumb as hell and won't do their part to make things easier.  Also whatever the Spaghetti guy wanted.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Why I could not be a super hero.

The title is a bit off.  It should probably say "Why I won't be a crime fighter".  Luckily the reasons overlap for both.

First off, I don't feel like going out every night to get punched and do punching to criminals.  I can't even keep myself from eating the entire sleeve of cookies in one sitting, forget going out after I got my pajama pants on.  I simply don't have the willpower for it.

Second, I could never think of a good name for the press, never mind deciding on a costume.  I don't have the funds to make an Iron Man suit, but I refuse to run around in skin tight spandex.  It's a lose-lose situation, whether it's winter or summer.  I thought about leather jackets for a short while, but I don't look good in leather anything.

Also, who gives a shit if the mad scientist melts a bunch of senators?  Those old farts can't do their job as is, I'm thinking if new people come in and screw up, guess what?  More melted government officials!  Maybe letting the bad guy off a few hostages will get people to try harder and improve this planet.  I've seen plenty of action movies where the people employing the good guy are actually the bad guys.  Nice try government.

Plus capes are really gay.  Can we agree on that?  Capes = gay?  Not in the "I like my own gender gay" but in that mean "that's gay which means stupid which means shut up" kind of gay.