Thursday, August 30, 2012

I Must Persevere

I must persevere.  I must persevere past my shortcomings, faults, and defects.

Even though I don't own a car.  A car I used to have but crashed into a school.  I must persevere beyond having to ride the bus even though I refuse to wear anything besides sweatpants and a Hello Kitty shirt two sizes too small.  Even though I have chronic flatulence due to me eating four bowls of chili for breakfast.  I must persevere.

I must persevere despite this Hooters banning me for what they called "rude behavior".  Behavior caused by being too drunk off three pitchers of beer, so I order only two pitchers.  I only weigh 115 pounds, but I will persevere to drink both pitchers.

I must persevere to eat the "Mega-Ton Combo" 50 wing order with "Mega-Ton" hot sauce and choose to ignore that last time I ate this order.  The last time this order was placed cops had to show up.  I was involved, but I must persevere past that event.  Even though I sprayed hot sauce in my own eyes and took my sweatpants off last time, I must persevere

I must persevere past the urge to slap the waitress on the ass.  I wish I had persevered to wash my hands first, for now she has a hot sauce hand print on her butt.  Even though I think it's funny, her boyfriend/bouncer decides to punch me then throw me out of the Hooters.  I must persevere past the wounds sustained from this altercation.

I will persevere.  At least until I pull my dick out at an Applebee's again.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

What bothers me about Hanna-Barbera cartoons.

So Scooby-Doo was about a group of teens driving around with a great dane that could talk.  Never mind how they paid for gas or food, and I accept they hit up laundromats to keep their one change of clothes clean.  But the dog clearly talks and NO ONE acknowledges this as weird.  Old men run around in tiki monster costumes, but the talking dog never sparks conversation?

Also if the group just left Shaggy and Scooby in the van, the plans to catch the ghost/mummy/possessed armor would go much smoother.  Except for those times when the trap doesn't work and Scooby being a stoner doggie saves the day somehow.

I think the question isn't if Scrappy-Doo was doing coke, but HOW MUCH coke was he doing?  Seriously he was rarin' to go and he was maybe the size of one of Scooby's paws.  I won't believe he was a strategist, but I would accept that he was doing some heavy shit in that van.

So in The Jetsons they lived in cities way up on poles.  How many people fall off the sides?  What happens when the flying cars run out of gas?  I'm almost one hundred percent certain that the cars drop into the nothingness and the mortality rate in that world is fairly high.  

The Flinstones got it right.  They got by with talking appliances. That is an America I want to be a part of.

Would Quick Draw McGraw need to re-tune his guitar with each attack?  What do you mean "Who is Quick Draw McGraw"?  Go fuck yourself.

How did no one see that mild mannered janitor Henry was in fact Hong Kong Phooey?  He was the only fucking dog in the entire universe in that cartoon.  Are the humans retarded to the level of not knowing the difference between a talking dog and all the humans?  I mean Hong Kong Phooey is a talking dog in a karate Gi and a bandit mask.  Henry the Janitor is a talking dog.  Dammit people Henry is Hong Kong Phooey!

Yogi Bear.  He constantly disregards the authority, Ranger Smith, he eats all the picnic baskets, and causes hijinks all over Jellystone Park.  Ranger, get some guns and fucking waste that bear.  He's a BEAR!  He nees to be hunted and brought to justice.  Then served to visiting dignitaries.  

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Pets' To Do Lists

What if pets totally made lists what to do while their owners are out?  Well here is the result of my "what if".

-stare at the door
-stare out the window
-eat my owner's hat
-knock over the trash can and play in the garbage

house cat
-throw up in owner's shoes
-stand on owner's keyboard while they try to do work
-sleep more
-not give a shit about anything other than myself

-swim left
-swim right
-explore that castle again
-swim left again
-die so the dad has to awkwardly explain death to his five year old

All images are found by going to Google Images and I don't claim to own these pictures.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Top Ten Reason why I am the best.

10. I always make my bed for my maid, who I tip extra.

9.  I eat my vegetables which I grow organically.

8.  I save gas when I drive my Hybrid Car while buying gas for others.

7.  I give tens and twenties to homeless people.

6.  I read instead of watching TV or surfing the internet.

5.  I recycle to the extreme (I haven't drank water I didn't clean myself for the past ten years).

4.  I rescue animals, children, ugly folk and old people.

3.  I take time out of my day to ask how other are doing and then I give them a shoulder rub.

2.  I give my blood until they legally stop me.

1. I went back in time and fucking killed Hitler like a motherfucker.  Oh things didn't change?  Imagine that!

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Movieholic: Total Recall

I have a theory about Total Recall and the ad campaign.

They showed the trailer for Total Recall for just about EVERY action movie that came out inthe past few months.  There's the one trailer with the exact same sequence of scenes cut together to serve as an advertisement.  This is not aspoiler to say just about every scene in the movie was in the trailer.  After watching the trailer more than three times, and thens eeing the movie, every twenty minutes or so I caught myself going "Oh yeah, this is when Quaid does this thing!".

My theory is that the studio wanted you to "recall" the trailer over and over so it's like you're the one in that weird chair.  There, theory posited, discuss.

Quick synopsis: Doug Quaid (Farrell) hates his life, tries Rekall, finds out he's a double agent, kicks ass against his wife Lori (Beckinsale) kicks ass with Melina (Biel) and spends most of the movie trying to find out who he really is.

Being a summer movie, Total Recall did it's job in that it was fun to watch.  It had the proper mixture of everything you need for a late summer sci fi action movie.  There were fight scenes, a dash of philosophical exchange from the source material, a little bit of drama, and then more wanton destruction.  Mix in a bowl of dystopian future and voila, a new Total Recall feed your sci-i and action hunger.

That being said I felt that for a movie loosely based on anything by Phillip K. Dick there was an awful lot of action.  Like so much action.  I felt tired after watching due to the amount of moving and punching on screen.  Though that didn't stop the director from tossing in bits of the original short story as weirdly timed dialogue in a way that felt like he used copy and paste methods.

Go team Recall for the subplot about class wars and corrupt people in positions of power, but it felt like they put it in due to "It's science fiction so it's required".

But everyone did their character fine, Bryan Cranston always get s a yay vote from me and Colin Farrell was in his element.  Since I consider Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale the same person from different timelines, it was weird watching them go head to head.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

My Arguments for the Apocalypse

There has been talk about the end of the world and that's all well and good, but I like to think we're so damn pampered and squishy that "end of the world" means "no more internet".  That means the Earth will keep spinning but the shifts would be tremendous.

First off money will mean nothing.  Capitalism will end, bringing the super rich down to the level of normal people.  They will desperately try to barter their Armani suit jacket for half a chicken and a can of green beans.  Hollywood will crumble within a month.

Second, people will get to know their neighbors again.  No longer will we be strangers to the people who we walk by in the apartment halls.  People will band together through neighborhoods, raiding the local grocery store and murdering raiders together.

Third, humanity will rise up as the top species again.  Right now anything from the following list can kill an average human: bears, sharks, crocodiles, bees, a pack of cats, a well aimed hot dog, and the sun.  If we're forced to survive and have access only to home grown vegetables and the meat we kill ourselves, the human race would be in peak physical condition.

Fourth we'll have imaginations again.  While I am a huge fan of television and the freedom the internet offers, so many people waste their lives in their digital tombs.  We keep shitting out remakes and sequels that lessen our scope of thought.  The real trick to creating is restricting yourself.  Give yourself a ceiling so you can break through it.

So there is a summation of why the apocalypse wouldn't be such a bad thing.  Also Mel Gibson would get to live out being Mad Max.  So yeah, it's a win for everyone.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Helpful Werewolf Tips

So you or a loved one has been bitten by an unholy beast from Hell.  It's not the end of the world!  All you have to do is follow these simple tips and you'll have a great time with your part human part wolf monster.

  • Don't go to PetsMart for product: You are still a human being dammit!  I don't care if you have fur on 90% of your body 80% of the time, you are STILL human.  With that in mind, picking up some flea scrub wouldn't be the end of the world.
  • Leave your doors and windows open during full moons: It's inevitable that you'll change into a horrible beast while you sleep, so why wreck the place where you live?  You know what werewolves don't give a shit about?  Doors or windows.  Man-wolves (and Lady-wolves to a lesser extent) will tear straight through any entrances to slake their blood lust.  You're going to get out, so just make your house bill a little easier.
  • Don't sleep in the same room as your significant fuzzy other: Why?  BECAUSE THEY WILL CHANGE INTO A BEAST AND SLAUGHTER YOU IN THEIR SLEEP.  Get separate bedrooms.
  • Let the hair grow: Maybe you're one of those coherent werewolves and you want to shave the hair off.  Don't.  If you do it'll jack up all your hair and growth issues.  You have enough problems becoming a monster every night, just ignore the hair and let it happen.  It's like rapid puberty, it's going to happen so just let it happen.
  • Don't worry if you're a vegan: Sure there are no vegan or vegetarian werewolves seeing as they exclusively eat meat and meat by products.  But as with Vegas what you do as a werewolf stays as a werewolf.  Or something like that.  Basically don't worry about devouring pounds of meat while in wolf form when you only eat veggies as a human.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

The 5 worst things about Alzheimer's

5. Your short term memory is really bad.

4.  People mess with you all the time.

5.  Your short term memory is really bad.

5.  Your short term memory is really bad.

Note to self: do a list about why Alzheimer's sucks.