Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Ten Reasons to not trust Aliens

10. Aliens probe you.

9.  Aliens will never pay back that money they owe you.

8.  Aliens stay up late playing Call of Duty at full volume while you're trying to sleep.

7.  Aliens never offer to help move even though they can transport matter instantaneously.

6.  Aliens fucking probe you.

5.  Aliens always arrive late and make you miss the previews to movies.

4.  Aliens use their horrible appearance to scare little kids.

3.  Aliens leave a tiny bit of milk in the carton.  Not enough for cereal or coffee, just enough to make you mad.

2.  Aliens say rude things about you to your face, but in their alien language so you don't know until you translate it online later.


Close encounters of the jerk kind.

Everything posted here is for fun and not intended for malicious use.  Thanks to whatever site I got the picture from for not raising a fit.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

How to Beat the Heat

Well it's that time of year again.  The Spring is done and Summer is bearing down on us like a grizzly that smells your peanut butter sandwich.  It's hot outside, but here are some handy tips on keeping cool you might not have thought of yet.

-get naked
-sneak into the freezer at your local supermarket
-get a bad flu that gives you the chills
-develop Iceman like mutant powers
-join Cobra and create the weather control machine
-move to where penguins are from 
-sleep on bags of ice
-don't move ever
-piss off various nations with nuclear deterrents and usher in a nuclear winter
-destroy the sun

I hope these hot tips keep you nice and cool all summer?  And if they don't help you out, then feel free to go fuck yourselves.  I have an ice bag bed to go to.

Better than a box fan

Thursday, June 21, 2012

What I would do if I had a pet Crocodile

I have often drifted into a daydream about owning my very own crocodile.  But what would I do with such a horrible beast?  Believe me, I've thought long and hard about it.

1.  I would practice saying "He's a crocodile not an alligator."  I know people would make that mistake and I would have to practice emphasizing the "not".  Eventually I would most likely let people who said the "A word" to go ahead and pet my crocodile.  After I trained him to attack anything that comes near his head.

2.  I would figure out the best name.  "Fluffy" and "Shweetums" are too ironic, while "Samson" and "Rex" don't seem right.  Perhaps I would go Victorian style and name him something along the lines of "Fauntleroy" or "Bartholomew", something dignified to go with his gruff demeanor.  Did that crocodile from Peter Pan have a name?  Oh, I know!  I'll name him "Chomper".

3.  I would always feed him by hurling chunks of meat at his open mouth.  Once I could afford it I would buy some zebras and let them hang out next to his enclosure.  Because you can take the croc out of the wild, but not that zebra chomping rage out of the croc.  Also I fucking hate zebras, so it's a win win.

4.  I would walk him only in heavily populated parks.  When you own a high class crocodile named Chompers, you have to show him off.  And where better than a park full of small children, curious dogs, and tasty ducks?

I think these would be excellent decisions to make once I get my crocodile.  Now if the zoo would lift that ban on me I could walk right in and get him.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Review of Snow White and the Huntsman

Stars Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth, and Charlize Theron

It’s probably not a great sign when you spend half the movie making smart remarks with your friend and saying to yourself “Here’s how THAT should have happened.”

The story is as such: Snow White’s mother dies, her father marries Ravenna (Theron) who ruins the land as an evil queen.  Years later we see Snow White again (Stewart) in a cell, but not for long as she escapes into the dark forest.  There we meet the Hunstman (Hemsworth) who helps Snow White live long enough to lead a rebellion against the evil queen.

While Snow White and the Huntsman was fun to watch, it felt unnecessary.  I’m pretty sure we never needed a “mature” version of the story.  But that’s not the real problem.  The problem is that the movie is confused.

We’re given an intro that tells us what is happening in narration and on screen, so now we know where this world lies with the legend.  Snow White gets into the world and becomes a damsel in distress.  We then get a mini comedy when we meet the dwarves, then after another out of place feeling battle scene we see Snow White all of a sudden drop her damsel deal and pick up a sword.

I would be fine if Charlize Theron decided to not scream half of her dialogue.  I get she’s playing an evil witch, but if she could have stayed in that sultry quiet evil witch character and saved her outbursts for big moments, then it would have been great.

Speaking of great, keep an eye out for the troll part.  Man was that cool.

So to wrap up, it was a fun movie, but you can get twice the story and the same setting from any of the Lord of the Ring movies.  In fact, “Snow White and the Huntsman” felt like a watered down LotR movie.  If you feel like watching a sort of fresh take on an old story, feel free to rent this when it hits DVD.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Five animals that would be dangerous pets.

5.  Shark:  A shark is like a goldfish that won't let you flush it down the toilet.  Every time you go to feed it the shark will eyeball you through the glass as if to say "I'm going to get out and eat you-it's only a matter of time."  How would you focus on your book?

4.  Badger: Despite how fun the word "badger" is to say and how cool they look in cartoons, I'm pretty sure any cage you make for a real life badger will be destroyed well before you wake up in the morning.  And where did little Fluffy go?  Anywhere in the house.

3.  Bear:  Hey, I get it.  You watched Yogi Bear, Winnie the Pooh, and Baloo and now think a bear is a great choice.  And it is.  A bear is an awesome choice when you want to get mauled for eating a sandwich.  While it would be fun to watch TV sitting on the bear like a couch, what happens when it stops hibernating?  I'll answer that for you: death via bear rage.

2.  Rhino: I'm pretty sure once rhinos start moving they never stop.  Which means you'll get that new hallway where the stove and table used to be.

1.  Human:  Humans are the worst.  They poop all the time, they force their stupid opinions on you, and when you start to like them, they die in horrible accidents involving bears and rhinos.  Humans are the worst.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Movieholic: Prometheus review

So I saw Prometheus tonight, and I will try to keep it short and spoiler free- but no promises.

I watched the credits roll a little under an hour ago, and I'm still piecing together bits of the puzzle left.  Don't be confused, that is a very good thing.  If I pay ten bucks for a movie ticket I expect to be leaving with the movie still swirling around my head.

First off, it's visually amazing, but who wouldn't expect Ridley Scott to not make a feast for your eyes?  The alien planet and the ship contrast each other well, and even though we start on Earth-Scotland, specifically- we're quickly sent into space to the expedition's target.  A planet thought to be the source of distinct cave paintings conjured in Earth civilizations centuries apart.

So Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) and Charlie Holloway (Logan Marshall-Green) lead a team of biologists, ship crew, and geologists to this distant planet to find our creators.  As they touch down they inspect a series of caves that feel like the rib cage of a snake and discover something they never expected.

While this is a prequel to Alien, it doesn't remind you of that fact every two minutes.  In fact, Prometheus does a great job of being its own movie.  It does mirror themes and characters, such as the android, the strong female lead, and, at times, faulty lighting, but it never feels like Ridley Scott is saying "Hey, it's just like Alien, right?"

Having watched Alien fairly recently I tried to suppress the urge to find precursors to the slimy monster we all know and fear, but anything else that popped up felt natural.  But this movie does stand on it's own merits, and even feels like a different movie from the alien universe for most of the film.  Part mystery, part horror, all science fiction.

Watching Prometheus and it's dwindling crew (not a spoiler: people die) would have more thrilling if we had gotten a little more time with all the characters.  We got plenty of Shaw, Holloway, David (Micheal Fassbender) and Meredith Vickers (Charlize Theron) and I was happy for that.  But it would have been nice to get a little more back story on the crew aside from the fifteen minute exposition scene explaining why they flew into space.

Since I refuse to use a numbered rating system I'll say this: If you enjoy science fiction, Ridley Scott, or any of the Alien movies (particularly the first one) then check out Prometheus.  If you hate slimy things, tense scenes, or prequels, then go see something else.

Oh, and anything post credits comes shortly after the movie ends, so don't fret about staying until the very end of the scrolling names.  You'll know it when you see it.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Top 5 Reasons to Eat Cookies

So we all know why cookies are the shit, but let me do a service to the world.  But there are still people who don’t eat cookies.  So for you asshole anti-cookieites, here are the top reasons that you should eat cookies.

5.  You already lost the leg to diabetes, why stop now?

4.  With chocolate chips included, it’s like a meal.

3.  Each sleeve for Chips Ahoy is like a serving in itself.

2.  If you stop eating cookies the Cookie Monster will eat you.

1.  Because carrots are for pussies.