Thursday, February 23, 2012

Ask an "Expert"- Vamps, Dinos, and World Peace.

Q: What is the story with Israel?
A: Israel is a fairly new country, and when a daddy country and a mommy country love each other very much, they decide they want their own country.  So they light some candles, turn the iPod stereo on to Barry White, and they get to business.  And by “business” I mean drafting up an agreement that will allow both countries to give up equal parts of land between them to form a new country.  Then they have to choose citizens, whether to make it a democracy or monarchy, and most importantly, Coke or Pepsi.  And that’s the deal with Israel.

Q: Why do vampires drink blood?
A: Vampires are like the sport stars of the monster kingdom, and their Gatorade is blood.  If you’ve seen Twilight, Blade, Underworld or any other super powered vampire movie, you see that vampires are constantly burning calories; whether it’s stopping trucks, killing werewolves, or being Wesley Snipes, vampires need blood to keep their super powers going.  Otherwise they turn into comedy legends like Leslie Nelson. 

Q: Did birds really evolve from dinosaurs?
A:  Not all birds, only crows.  While it’s an easy mistake to think hawks, eagles, and even the aptly named raptors came from prehistoric lizards, they just happened, one of evolution’s “weird ones”.  However, the only dinosaur to survive long enough into the age of man was the velociraptor, and it realized quickly that man can’t fly, so it made makeshift wings with leaves.  Over a few hundred years those leaves eventually grew into the horrible beasts and they became birds.  They’re black because while man couldn’t fly, he COULD launch firey arrows into the sky to burn the flying dinos.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Wolf Watch 1

From the computer of Brandon, Master of Words/Possible Werewolf.

ok so here’s the situation-I got bit by some giant wolf creature, and after extensive research it turns out wolves don’t have thumbs and yell out “Kill me!” when they attack you outside the mall.

so my bite wound healed, and while I know that full moons are going to set me off, I haven’t become an actual werewolf yet.  I haven’t even begun to crave raw meat or gained any super speed.  The doctor my dad took me to said i may never even change, but the fast healing is evidence that i should expect a change.  Dad's stocking up on silver and chains.

It just sucks because Trent-that’s right, football star douchnozzle Trent- got bit by a vampire last month and he never stops using his vampire powers.  I’ve been stuffed into a locker almost every day since he turned, and he says it happened overnight for him.  Now he has his own harem?  Total suckage.  and why doesn't he die in the sun?  Doing the research...

Oh, Tiffany talked to me yesterday, it was AWESOME.  She was all “Do you have a pen?” and I went “Yeah, right here.”  And then she returned it later!  The only problem was that she called me “Barry”, which isn’t exactly “Brandon”, but it’s close! i really hope Trent doesnt bite her

Well I gotta go, my mom wants to exorcise the werewolf demon from my body, even though I’m pretty sure it’s not a demon but a virus, but she’s always been a worrier.  Later internet!