Sunday, December 18, 2011

Holiday wish lists over the years

In the spirit of the holidays I have decided to collect a series of letters sent by people requesting various wants from their respective holiday peoples.  (This isn't real please don't sue me or throw a brick through my window)

Dear Santa,
I would like the following
one partridge
one pear tree
a couple of turtle doves
a gold ring for each finger on my right hand
some geese that can lay eggs
a sweet party with dancing ladies
a dozen drummers just drumming the shit out of their drums

Dear Hanukkah Harry,
I would like my oil for my menorah to last as long as possible.  As you must know times are tough and we need to make this oil last.  If you can make it go eight nights, then that would amazing, thank you.

Dear Kwanzaa mascot
Please send me the purpose of Kwanzaa.  I've been celebrating this holiday for five years now and I don't know what I'm doing.  Thank you in advance, I guess.
(Apologies to Futurama for stealing that last joke)

Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster ,
Bring destruction to my enemies and pain to my foes.  If you could do this really soon that would be much appreciated.  Also how do you exist?

To Retailius, the God of Retail,

Please make this holiday season less hectic, stressful, and agonizing for retail employees.  Seriously, customers are dumb as hell and won't do their part to make things easier.  Also whatever the Spaghetti guy wanted.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Why I could not be a super hero.

The title is a bit off.  It should probably say "Why I won't be a crime fighter".  Luckily the reasons overlap for both.

First off, I don't feel like going out every night to get punched and do punching to criminals.  I can't even keep myself from eating the entire sleeve of cookies in one sitting, forget going out after I got my pajama pants on.  I simply don't have the willpower for it.

Second, I could never think of a good name for the press, never mind deciding on a costume.  I don't have the funds to make an Iron Man suit, but I refuse to run around in skin tight spandex.  It's a lose-lose situation, whether it's winter or summer.  I thought about leather jackets for a short while, but I don't look good in leather anything.

Also, who gives a shit if the mad scientist melts a bunch of senators?  Those old farts can't do their job as is, I'm thinking if new people come in and screw up, guess what?  More melted government officials!  Maybe letting the bad guy off a few hostages will get people to try harder and improve this planet.  I've seen plenty of action movies where the people employing the good guy are actually the bad guys.  Nice try government.

Plus capes are really gay.  Can we agree on that?  Capes = gay?  Not in the "I like my own gender gay" but in that mean "that's gay which means stupid which means shut up" kind of gay.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Movie reviews based on the posters

Hey folks, Blake here, letting you know that I'm feeling a bit under the weather, so I've asked a guy who says he's a film critic to write some reviews for me.  I'll be back next time, enjoy!

One time replacement Ian Nicholas Tern here.  So I never found the time to see the movies I'm supposed to review, but Blake already gave me a bag of money.  So you're getting reviews based on the posters.  


So I'm supposed to believe this kid got onto a clock all by himself?  No f***ing way.  Those shorts are stupid, the clock isn't digital, and I can't see the top of the clock tower.  I'm assuming they forgot to finish the drawing.  Also the kid looks fat, fail.

The Muppets

Jason Segel is holding back an army of felt monsters.  It ain't easy being green when you're putting a bullet through your skull.  But I do like that he dressed nice for the poster. I'm guessing that's church nice.  What were we talking about?

A Dangerous Method

I guess Magneto and Aragorn are fighting over Elizabeth Swan?  Meh, though if Knightly gets naked in this, I'll consider seeing it.  What?  No nudity?  Go to hell ratings system.

Arthur Christmas

If there is a God, please do me a favor and kill me before this comes out.  The last thing I need is some jackass saving Christmas AGAIN.

The Hunger Games

So this was a book first?  Or was it a senior class photo?  Either way I'm not going to go see it.


So is this a sequel/prequel to Jurassic Park, I think, and it follows that scary ass T-Rex.  Man that thing was scary.  But I'm tired of dinosaurs.  Fail.

The Lie

A man lies to a baby in a car seat.  I'm always up for lying to children.  This movie gets a pass and I'll watch this forever.

Ok that's all you're getting.  Blake will be back next time, and if you know what's good for you you'll heed my reviews.  HEED!

The films these posters advertised are the sole property of whoever owns them, this site only pokes fun in jest, so don't sue.  If you sue, you'll get one nice pair of shoes and half a sandwich, that's all I got.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Five things I want from the upcoming Deadpool movie.

There is a Deadpool movie slated for 2014 based on the Marvel comics character.  I am excited about this because I am a huge Deadpool fan.  Now, being a fan AND a nerd, it is my civic internet duty (hehe "duty") to discuss the film and what I want from it.  Like making ransom demands when I have nothing to ransom, here are the top 5 things I want from this film when it eventually hits theaters.

Deadpool, the merc with a mouth.

5.  Make him to freak out over losing his mask.
     Early Deadpool comics made it important to the character that his real face, the scarred wreck of skin, never be seen.  I would like to see Ryan Reynolds scream “My face!  Give me back MY FACE!”  That could add a bit of drama to the film and make the uninitiated care about Deadpool as a character.  Plus we’re going to have to see his messed up face eventually.

4.  Reference the audience/ break down that 4th wall
     I was not satisfied with his crappy “Shhh” at the end of Wolverine Origins, we need Ryan Reynolds to go all Zach Morris and turn to the audience, telling them “You get where I’m coming from!”  They don’t need to overdo it, but they need to do it properly.

3.  Reference T-Ray or make him the villain
     Spider-Man has Green Goblin, Captain America has Red Skull, and Deadpool has T-Ray.  Sure Hollywood will try to get a more well known foe for Deadpool to fight, or they’ll make the Merc with a Mouth off some generic mob boss.  But At least referencing T-Ray would be the coolest, show some big ass dude with a band-aid over his nose and wielding some dark magic, that would be the best scene to end on.  

2.  To be an action comedy
     Don’t make it straight up action with bits of humor like Wolverine Origins.  Make it a half and half production.  Deadpool is constantly talking and is always hilarious, so make us laugh while he’s shooting guys in the face.  Or chuckle during the big ass explosion (you know there will be at least one).  Most people I know who read the Joe Kelly run or the Daniel Way run laugh out loud at least three or four times per weekly issue.  Anytime I’m bummed I pick up a Deadpool collection and let it lift my spirits.

1.  To be rated R.
     There is nothing wrong with a PG-13 movie, but the Deadpool comics are often filed with potty language and are always violent.  As much as it make me sound like a greasy nerd who wants more violence and bloodshed, it’s really just me wanting the movie to keep true to the material on a level that makes sense.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Thoughts on 3-D Movies

It's dumb.

Maybe dumb is the wrong word.  "Insulting" works.  "Unnecessary" fits pretty well.

I understand that movies are trying to keep up with television in the numbers, but I think it's wrong to use a gimmick like 3-D to bring the numbers up when they could just write better stories and not go straight to the cheap and easy solution.

It could also be a problem of inflation.  There are more and more movies being made, and to insure they aren't all the same, tactics must be shifted.  Shifted is the wrong word, but I don't have time to find the right word.

I would like to get Sun Tzu's teaching's into the world of film production.  The Art of War and Film has a nice ring to it.

It is said that it's a miracle any movie gets made.  Considering how many movies come out each year, that statement seems suspect to hyperbole and outright lies.  Perhaps if you're in a position of little to no power it's tough to get a movie made, but if you're a jack-ass with no idea what the public wants or needs and just want to see your paycheck get bigger.

I'm sure that last statement carries a lot of weight since SO many film executives read my blog. (That was sarcasm kids.  Also, if you're an actual kid, please stop reading this, I say dirty words.  Like "poop" and "potty" and "fucknards")

Back to the topic at hand.  3-D movies seem like a terrible idea because you need glasses to watch them, they cost more to make and watch, and there are many, many people who can't even get the 3-D to work (pirates, and people with legitimate eye problems).  Even when they make a movie with 3-D in mind, how am I supposed to enjoy it at home?  I don't have the funds to buy a 3-D television that only 2 people can watch at a time.  Ridiculous.
Anyway, Those are my thoughts on 3-D movies.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Conspiracy: Zombies' Popularity

     They’re everywhere.  They are on television, in your comics, roaming the streets, eating your vegetables.  I’m talking of course about zombies.

     Zombies are big right now, real big.  There’s an award winning comic book with a TV show based on it that is all about zombies.  Bookstores carry more books about zombies than any other monster in popular culture.  There are more zombie books then there are of some genres of books.   Even group sanctioned events promote zombie popularity over vampires or werewolves. 

     So why is there all this fresh zombie love?  Love for mindless, souless creatures who only want to stuff chunks of you into their skinless maws.  It doesn’t make any sense that we treat our fellow human beings with hate and poor manners while we roll out the (blood) red carpet for the undead.  Well I think I’ve gotten to the bottom of the zombie epidemic, and it starts, with vampires.

That's right zombie, BE SAD.
     Vampires are real, and they don’t need people snooping around, becoming real life Blades, and slaughtering draculas left and right.  No, they need a new target, a scapegoat.  They need something stupid, slow, and easy to hate.  The zombie populace meets the requirements, completely unaware that they’re being made the main target of horror enthusiast and amateur monster hunters everywhere. 

     But why stop there folks?  Let’s make Twilight, a series of books and films painting vampires the protagonists instead of the antagonists, one of the biggest films in the world right now.  But who could they turn to make Edward the Vampire the dreamy hero as opposed to neck biting horror?  How about our current day Dracula Stephanie Myer?

     “Ok, so you’re attacking a writer, what about George Romero and his epic zombie films?”  George Romero is an innocent in this cultural war.  He made his “Living Dead” films as cautionary tales, but now those tales have been twisted into sick fun house mirror versions out of the general mythos.  His warning can no longer be heard over the chewing of necks that billions of vampires (estimate number) are allowed to do now that they’ve made zombies the number one threat.

     I can’t write any longer, but keep an open mind and open eyes people, for the UPS package of overnight truth is coming.  And I’m here to sign for the delivery.

I'm on to you, Douch-cula!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Movies with the best yells.

There is no order to this list, I just want to post about movies with yelling that I enjoy.

The Incredible Hulk:  Remember when he was all "Hulk...SMASH!"  Totally awesome, I rewound that chunk of the scene and set it in my blu ray live thing, it gets me so pumped for using the bathroom, or buying food.  "Hulk hate paper bag!  Hulk bring own bag!"

Seven:  Brad Pitt was all "No!  Nooooo!!"  Just screaming his head off and freaking out.  That was pretty kickass.  It gave me chills.  I'm gonna go watch that movie again now.

Spider-Man 3:  Peter Parker was ripping the symbiote off and then the bell rings.  That thing screeched like a banshee, it was amazing.  I never thought you could recreate such an amazing moment from comic to film.  In a mediocre movie, that was a spot of brilliance.

I know there are more, but I forget them, and now my hands won' stop shaking with caffeine.  I'm going to go stare at a brick wall until my heart stops beating.  Maybe I'll vibrate through the wall.  Fingers crossed!

Friday, October 21, 2011

An Open Letter to Babies

Dear babies,

     It is safe to say that we have been at odds for far too long.  While I do not approve of you “spitting up” on my new shirt, I’m sure you don’t approve of how I violently shake you.  I feel that airing my grievances in an open letter format will help us work together with less friction in the near future.

     Now I feel listing my issues with babies as a whole will help you understand where I am coming from and hopefully end our butting of heads.

  1. You can’t hold your heads up on your own.
  2. You get the best toys.
  3. Your inability to not shit yourselves.
  4. Your terrible taste in clothes
  5. Your fascination with shiny objects.

If you will indulge me, I will go into detail with each point.

  1. It seems to me that you are simply being lazy when you let your head flop around like a limp penis.  Excuse my language, but it’s a damn shame that hard working Americans like your parents have to support you monetarily and physically.  If I may make a suggestion, get a gym membership babies.
  2. I don’t understand how you get bouncy swings and bright rattles for nothing while I have to work 40 plus hours a week and all I get is a bill for the electricity, water, heat, and have to write out a rent check.  It is an unfair standard you babies have made a permanent part of human culture, and I’m simply tired of you getting nicer toys than me.
  3. It is not difficult to hold poop in.  I do it on a regular basis and it is not difficult in the least.  You know how to put food in your body, so there is no excuse for allowing it to leave.  You simply clench your cheeks together, that is all it takes.  You babies need to get your act together I cannot abide you pooping during a movie again.
  4. Upon further thought, I realize this is more your parents’ faults.  I will send them a letter as well.
  5. Shiny objects are not that great.  Sure spoons are always fun, but keys?  And tinfoil?  Please babies, tinfoil is so dull I feel insulted writing about it here.  Please stop now.

Thank you for your time and attention, provided you held your heads up long enough to read this letter.  I even took extra care to print it on tinfoil for you.  I understand if you are upset, but we have been at odds for too long.  Please accept my olive branch, and reply with a letter of your own at your own convenience.  Or when you learn to read and write, which may be a while.

Best of luck, and God speed,

-Blake T. Hunt

Friday, September 30, 2011

Faque FAQs 2

Why do bears like honey?
Bears really enjoy honey because they honey helps them find people with baskets of food.  There is a pheromone in honey that, upon consumption, allows a bear to smell human flesh, which gives off a particular odor, up to five miles.  This means as long as a bear has honey in its system, it can find any human within five miles of the bear’s position. 

Why does beer make people drunk?
People only have so many white cells in their body.  The fewer white cells a person has, the more sluggish they are and the sillier they act.  Beer, when drunk, makes the white cells temporarily nonexistent.  Hence we act like fools, or “drunk” because our white cell count is extremely low.  After a few hours the white cells come back into existence, which can be painful, hence the occurrence of hangovers.

Are these real answers? 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Part 2 of 2 of Guest Writer of Site.

Hey folks.  We will be continuing Murray's list of why the internet is bad, but I need to fill you in before we go forward.  It turns out Murray won't be doing the actual posting today, or for a few years.  He texted me last night that he was in Mexico escaping what he called "the fuzz".  I guess his "side hobby" involving moonshine finally caught up with him.  

In any case he sent me a rough draft of what he was working on, but upon reading it I almost threw up.  So instead of subjecting you to his original thought process, I edited the whole thing and will post what I mined from the caves of crazy he sent me.

5. Myspace
No Toms allowed.
Myspace is the equivalent of that one house on a block that makes everyone sad.  They never tear it down, but they leave it up, reminding everyone how fragile and pointless our lives are.  Plus bands keep squatting there and posting music. Totally depressing. 

4. Chatroulette
How is it someone thought it was a good idea to make stranger meet face to face over the web?  I remember a little saying when I was young.  What was that saying?  Stranger danger!

3. Craigslist
I can’t think of another place where I can get sex, electronics, a job, and a free blood stained couch cushion besides Craigslist.  Well, maybe in that alley behind the bowling alley.  You know the one, it’s got that homeless guy who’s always touching himself and reciting lines from The Jeffersons.

2. Facebook
Hah, swear words.
Facebook used to be awesome.  Back in 2004 I got an invite to join Facebook, a social network where the main purpose was to keep in touch with college friends.  I could chat with old high school friends or send a message to a buddy down the hall in my dorm.  And then EVERYONE was allowed a Facebook account.  That snotty ten year old that I hate, strangers I’ve never met and never WANT to meet, and potential employers that want to comb over my profile and give me shit for liking the third Spider-Man movie.

1.  Humanity
Things like Facebook, Chatroulette, and Craigslist were started with the best of intentions.  People from across the globe would meet, discuss ideas, and make our world a better place.  Yet we use Facebook to stalk friends of friends, Chatroulette for showing strangers our genitalia, and Craigslist…I can’t even mention here.  Thanks to humanity being a generally awful thing as an idea AND species, the internet is ruined forever.
Way to go mankind.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Guest Writer or Apologies for being absent

Hey folks sorry I've been not posting lately, been swamped with, well, nothing, I lied about being busy.  But I'm getting back on schedule with a posting schedule for Fridays and Tuesdays starting today.  And to beg forgiveness (and to cut down on pauses between posts) I've brought on a fellow blogger to help with the workload.  And now for his premier post, Murray Fitzsimmons!

Hello folks, I'm Murray Fitzsimmons, the world's foremost 81 year old blogger.  I'm here to complain about technology and set you little s***s straight.  Let's get to it!

10.  FML
People have been one upping each other comparing how crappy their lives are since the fifties, and now there’s a website dedicated to the task.  Now if something terrible happens to you can share it with the entire world.  Never mind trying to be the best, now fame can be achieved by making your life as sad as possible.  Confound internet with its high speed hate rays.

9. Lolcatz

If “Planet of the Apes” don't happen, “Planet of the Cats because people are stupid” definitely will.  People croon and gurgle over pictures of cats and look their minds.  It’s like watching someone who, after years and years of eating lead paint chips, finally gets hit with the effects of colored poison.  When I had a cat back in 1920, I trained the f*** out of that cat, and it was a f***ing cougar!  Moving on.

8. E-mail
E-mail is the new snail mail.  How did that happen?  When did regular mail become to terrible?  People tweet full emails more than they email.  I've literally been told in person “I don’t use email, text me the info”.  NO!  Email is not slow, it’s e-mail!  Electronic-you know what, never mind.  I can feel my blood getting hotter, I’m stopping here.  Damn sciatica. 

What a waste of moving pictures.
I like that bands are putting themselves on the YouTube to promote themselves.  That’s actually very cool.  I hate how the other 99% of videos on YouTube consist of a mix of the following: fat kids, fat adults, falling down, pranks, animal videos, soft core porn, awful web series, bike crashes, car crashes, occasional skateboard mishaps, and terrible audio and video of a TV show recorded on a crappy cell phone camcorder from a bad TV during a party.  

6. Twitter
The main thing I hate about Twitter is how many characters I’m allowed to write.  Seriously, how is anyone supposed to get any message acros

Stay tuned, or, actually tune in next Tuesday for the second half of Murray's post.  

All images and websites mentioned are owned by those companies and websites.  I don't claim to own any rights and I only use them in jest because they're so cool for not suing me thanks!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


So this has been a lax week as far as posts go.  I can't really blame Hurricane Irene, but I will any, that terrible she-wench.  Anyway, Starting next Monday I'll be trying a daily posting thing, nothing fancy, just an experiment that I thought of randomly.  It will probably be super boring and mind numbing, but I don't care!  I do what I want, and you will read this craziness.  Or not whatever.  Welp, time to go work on this amazing project, and NOT spend an hour making a sandwich.

Friday, August 26, 2011

The owner of a jam store gives a pep talk and bad news to the staff.

Ok people, listen up.  Here is the game plan.

It’s going to be a tough Christmas season here at “Jams n Things!”  As you may have heard the latest shipment of  jam hit a patch of black ice and careened off of a bridge.  The jams were incinerated as they were being shipped along with gasoline and matches that can be lit on any surface.

So what does that mean for our store?  It means we’ll have to work extra hard to sell what we have left.  That’s right, we have to push the ”Things” part of our store name.  That includes jars, cards, spoons, gift cards, and action figures of our mascot, Bernard the Jam Man.  I know most people only come in for the jam, but I think we can help them make smart purchases that have nothing to do with jam directly.

Your shift supervisor Katie has drafted a script that I want all of you to memorize.  This is a last resort to if they say no to the jars pr spoons.  I won't read it aloud, but I would like to point out that it does NOT include the phrase “Please don’t leave”.  That comes off as begging, and we want-no, we need to give the impression that we are confident in the remaining wares we have.

As for the secondary shipment, that did arrive safely, which means we have an immense overstock of Bernard the Jam Man action figures, including the Christmas Jam Blaster model.  Now I know you need jam to make the Jam Blaster work, but we can certainly promote the toy anyway.  And before you ask, no, it only works with jam.  Jelly, peanut butter, liquids, or any other food stuff will not work, and will actually BREAK the Jam Blaster.

So in conclusion, we are going to be facing some hard times, but I believe in this store, and I believe in the staff even more.  So let’s get out there folks, and sell some jam themed products!
Also, Jenny?  Sorry, but you’re fired.  If anyone else needs me I’ll be in my office crying.

Monday, August 22, 2011


Here are some FAQs I would like to answer now.

Q: Why is the sky blue?
A:  The sky isn't blue, the sky is actually whatever color your eyes are.  Back when people were deciding the color of the sky, there were a majority of blue eyed people, so people would say "Oh look at the blue sky!" while those with green, brown, and red Albino eyes never saw the sky as blue.  But saying anything that goes against the majority was enough to get you murdered, so everyone just agreed like "Oh, yeah, it's like, totally blue..."  Today those people with different colored eyes just go along as a tradition because they don't know any better.
Nothing but poop sky for you.

Q:  Did we really evolve from monkeys?
A:  No, we evolved from apes, dumbass.

Q:  Is it true that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down?
A:  If by "sugar" you mean "alcohol" and by "medicine" you mean "more alcohol" then yes.  Beer plus beer equals you going down, face first, into the stars you're trying to climb.  Also drink your "medicine" responsibly.

Friday, August 19, 2011

An open letter to birds.

Dear birds,

      I am writing to formerly request that you please stop pooping on my car.  While I appreciate you not pooping on me, I do not appreciate that you choose to relieve yourself on my car’s hood, roof, window, or trunk.  Furthermore, I resent the fact that you defecate on my car only minutes after I finish washing it.

     I will say that I am not completely innocent in this scenario.  I have been found guilty of saying expressions like “that’s for the birds” or “the bird is the word” too frequently in my daily routine.  I am also guilty of calling pigeons “rats with wings” which I recently learned is offensive to all ornithological types, and not just to pigeons.  Again for this I apologize.

     There are things I am appreciative of that you do, like eating the bugs that constantly annoy me on hot summer days.  You also lay eggs and make baby birds, and anything as a baby is adorable.  You also provide feathers for Native Americans to decorate their headdresses with and make them festive, and I do enjoy festive events and people.

     However, it is still unacceptable and frankly rude for you to relieve yourselves on my personal belongings.  I do my part by slowing down when there are vultures picking at road kill.  I never throw things at birds in parks, but I gently shoo them away, giving them ample room to maneuver about and away from my position.  I even make sure to help out birds stuck indoors that don’t understand the concept of glass windows and keep them from slamming into the glass.

     In conclusion, I feel a truce can be made between us.  I will purchase statues for my yard that you may poop on and perch upon at your leisure, and you will cease using my car as your personal toilet.  I feel these are agreeable terms and that both parties will be satisfied with the results.
     I hope you have a wonderful day, and may your future be blessed with plentiful bread crumbs.

Your hopeful ally,
Blake T. Hunt

Friday, August 12, 2011

Review of "Horrible Bosses"

     So I went to go see “Horrible Bosses”, that comedy starring Jason Bateman, Charlie Day, and Jason Sudeikis, and it seemed like it was going to be a fun ride. 

     The premise is as follows: Nick (Bateman), Dale (Day), and Kurt (Sudeikis) all suffer at the hands of their respective bosses.  During a night out at their favorite bar they decide to kill their bosses and end their misery.  Enter Motherfucker Jones (Jamie Foxx), a certified badass who instructs them how to do the deed.  The hilarity ensues.

     At least, I assume hilarity ensues.  Right after the trio paid Motherfucker Jones, some guy two rows in front of me starting talking on his cell phone.  His cell phone in a movie theater!  Against my friend’s say, I politely asked the man to hang up his phone.  He waved me off.  So I asked him again, and this time he turned around and gave me the finger.  So I threw my box of candy at his head.

Colin Farrel as a bad boss.
     When the protagonists begin staking out the first boss’s house, I’m throwing the cell phone guy into one of the hand rails on the theater stairs.  It didn’t daze him, because as I went for the rib kick, he caught me by the ankle and knocked me down, dragging me out into the lobby.

     After five minutes of just dirty, down and out brawling, mall security shows up and he gets a cheap shot to my nuts.  I black out and come to smacking him in the face with a fired taser gun, and I suddenly felt an electric current surging through me and noticed prongs sticking out of my skin.  When I stopped being numb the cops-real cops not mall security- dragged me off and I slept on a cot next to a guy who called himself “Razer”.

     While my buddy bailed me out he told me the movie was funny overall, and balanced the story well, but sort of wraps everything up a little fast.  He gave it a four out of five stars, and I’m banned from the theater for life.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Bathrooms on Camera

Bathrooms are a sacred place that mean something different to each specific person that resides inside of them.  However, there are occasions when a bathroom is on film, and on occasion that filming is warranted.  While most would not want bathrooms on film, these chunks of movie magic remind us why bathrooms and toilets are so great.    This is Bathrooms on Camera!

Film: The Boondock Saints
Scene:  When Norman Reedus jumps off the roof and knocks out the Russian with a toilet.

Sometimes a toilet is more the star than the full bathroom, and today’s famous toilet is the porcelain bowl in the film “The Boondock Saints”.  Hailed as a cult classic, Boondock Saints made it cool to be Irish.  Also they murder a shitload of guys.  Like a crazy number.

But the Super MacManus Bros would not be shooting holes in every breathing sinner in Boston without the strategic placement of the toilet in the brothers’ humble apartment. 

(I would like remind all viewers that I do not own this video, I am simply replaying it from YouTube am claim no rights, I only mean to educate the reader.)

Now that you've watched the  video, notice the way he never could have saved his brother without the power of their toilet.  Like Thor’s hammer, any toilet becomes a powerful weapon to wield in battles great and small.  This is the only scene where a toilet is used extensively, but that’s only because you can’t abuse the power of the toilet, or the toilet will strike back and punish those who are not ready for the power that is the toilet.  And that is why bathrooms should be regarded as holy places, and don’t chain an Irishman to a toilet or you will get beat down.  To the ground.

If they had not utilized the power of the toilet, both brothers, or at least Murphy, would be dead, thus making the film short and really boring, not the awesome Irish-American shooting fest it is now.  They don’t use any toilets later in the movie, but that’s good because you never want to rely on a toilet too often, whether you’re fighting with it or pooping.   Remember, toilet dependency is no laughing matter. 

Monday, August 1, 2011

Conspiracy: PETA are human slaves from the future.

Consider this: Some animals are almost extinct because they will conquer us in the future if we don’t keep them in check now.

Here’s the truth: PETA are human “pets” from the future sent to our time to keep us from eating and hunting our future animal overlords.  They are placed within society to prevent our iron grip on the tasty and easily shot animals. 

The face of evil, as our children will know.

FACT:  Every day five people fall prey to the wiles of dogs while dogs plot how to open doors and smother us in our sleep.

I get it, it’s sad we’re almost out of tigers, elephants, rhinos, etc, but consider our lives in the early days.  A man was more likely to be eaten by a lion than he was to hurt himself in the home, and the percentage that one would hurt themselves in the home was 95%.  That means the percentage of death was 96% or higher!  We can’t bring back that statistic with our fatter, slower, dumber current humans.

In the future the leaders of the human resistance are those who ran zoos, since they knew how to keep these beasts in check.  If we don’t stop PETA now, they’ll institute a plan that makes people a part of the Food Pyramid/Food Plate.    

You want to worry about zombies? Bears will eat us before we turn into the undead.  You fear the robot uprising?  Penguins can destroy people with more speed and less dignity.

FACT:  Gorillas are practicing filling out credit card forms so they can purchase guns to murder people with.

 So which of the animals will become the driving force behind wiping out the human race?  If you’re reading this standing up, then sit the fuck down, because our future enemies will be led by turkeys. 


Yes, the most stupid and delicious of the land animals, the turkey, will lead the enemy forces.  One would think raccoons would lead, but they merely are the ninjas of the animal kingdom.  The turkeys will throw off the stereotype of being stupid and enact their revenge for the human race murdering their kind in the millions every year for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the traditional Turkey Waste Day (Sept 13 is just around the corner).

I send this news out not to instill fear, but inform the masses.  We must make a move against turkeys, sharks, bears, cats, and most insects.  Before it is too late.  Revolution.

FACT:  One out of one sharks are actually pro human, but we were too stupid to realize it.