Sunday, November 20, 2011

Movie reviews based on the posters

Hey folks, Blake here, letting you know that I'm feeling a bit under the weather, so I've asked a guy who says he's a film critic to write some reviews for me.  I'll be back next time, enjoy!

One time replacement Ian Nicholas Tern here.  So I never found the time to see the movies I'm supposed to review, but Blake already gave me a bag of money.  So you're getting reviews based on the posters.  


So I'm supposed to believe this kid got onto a clock all by himself?  No f***ing way.  Those shorts are stupid, the clock isn't digital, and I can't see the top of the clock tower.  I'm assuming they forgot to finish the drawing.  Also the kid looks fat, fail.

The Muppets

Jason Segel is holding back an army of felt monsters.  It ain't easy being green when you're putting a bullet through your skull.  But I do like that he dressed nice for the poster. I'm guessing that's church nice.  What were we talking about?

A Dangerous Method

I guess Magneto and Aragorn are fighting over Elizabeth Swan?  Meh, though if Knightly gets naked in this, I'll consider seeing it.  What?  No nudity?  Go to hell ratings system.

Arthur Christmas

If there is a God, please do me a favor and kill me before this comes out.  The last thing I need is some jackass saving Christmas AGAIN.

The Hunger Games

So this was a book first?  Or was it a senior class photo?  Either way I'm not going to go see it.


So is this a sequel/prequel to Jurassic Park, I think, and it follows that scary ass T-Rex.  Man that thing was scary.  But I'm tired of dinosaurs.  Fail.

The Lie

A man lies to a baby in a car seat.  I'm always up for lying to children.  This movie gets a pass and I'll watch this forever.

Ok that's all you're getting.  Blake will be back next time, and if you know what's good for you you'll heed my reviews.  HEED!

The films these posters advertised are the sole property of whoever owns them, this site only pokes fun in jest, so don't sue.  If you sue, you'll get one nice pair of shoes and half a sandwich, that's all I got.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Five things I want from the upcoming Deadpool movie.

There is a Deadpool movie slated for 2014 based on the Marvel comics character.  I am excited about this because I am a huge Deadpool fan.  Now, being a fan AND a nerd, it is my civic internet duty (hehe "duty") to discuss the film and what I want from it.  Like making ransom demands when I have nothing to ransom, here are the top 5 things I want from this film when it eventually hits theaters.

Deadpool, the merc with a mouth.

5.  Make him to freak out over losing his mask.
     Early Deadpool comics made it important to the character that his real face, the scarred wreck of skin, never be seen.  I would like to see Ryan Reynolds scream “My face!  Give me back MY FACE!”  That could add a bit of drama to the film and make the uninitiated care about Deadpool as a character.  Plus we’re going to have to see his messed up face eventually.

4.  Reference the audience/ break down that 4th wall
     I was not satisfied with his crappy “Shhh” at the end of Wolverine Origins, we need Ryan Reynolds to go all Zach Morris and turn to the audience, telling them “You get where I’m coming from!”  They don’t need to overdo it, but they need to do it properly.

3.  Reference T-Ray or make him the villain
     Spider-Man has Green Goblin, Captain America has Red Skull, and Deadpool has T-Ray.  Sure Hollywood will try to get a more well known foe for Deadpool to fight, or they’ll make the Merc with a Mouth off some generic mob boss.  But At least referencing T-Ray would be the coolest, show some big ass dude with a band-aid over his nose and wielding some dark magic, that would be the best scene to end on.  

2.  To be an action comedy
     Don’t make it straight up action with bits of humor like Wolverine Origins.  Make it a half and half production.  Deadpool is constantly talking and is always hilarious, so make us laugh while he’s shooting guys in the face.  Or chuckle during the big ass explosion (you know there will be at least one).  Most people I know who read the Joe Kelly run or the Daniel Way run laugh out loud at least three or four times per weekly issue.  Anytime I’m bummed I pick up a Deadpool collection and let it lift my spirits.

1.  To be rated R.
     There is nothing wrong with a PG-13 movie, but the Deadpool comics are often filed with potty language and are always violent.  As much as it make me sound like a greasy nerd who wants more violence and bloodshed, it’s really just me wanting the movie to keep true to the material on a level that makes sense.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Thoughts on 3-D Movies

It's dumb.

Maybe dumb is the wrong word.  "Insulting" works.  "Unnecessary" fits pretty well.

I understand that movies are trying to keep up with television in the numbers, but I think it's wrong to use a gimmick like 3-D to bring the numbers up when they could just write better stories and not go straight to the cheap and easy solution.

It could also be a problem of inflation.  There are more and more movies being made, and to insure they aren't all the same, tactics must be shifted.  Shifted is the wrong word, but I don't have time to find the right word.

I would like to get Sun Tzu's teaching's into the world of film production.  The Art of War and Film has a nice ring to it.

It is said that it's a miracle any movie gets made.  Considering how many movies come out each year, that statement seems suspect to hyperbole and outright lies.  Perhaps if you're in a position of little to no power it's tough to get a movie made, but if you're a jack-ass with no idea what the public wants or needs and just want to see your paycheck get bigger.

I'm sure that last statement carries a lot of weight since SO many film executives read my blog. (That was sarcasm kids.  Also, if you're an actual kid, please stop reading this, I say dirty words.  Like "poop" and "potty" and "fucknards")

Back to the topic at hand.  3-D movies seem like a terrible idea because you need glasses to watch them, they cost more to make and watch, and there are many, many people who can't even get the 3-D to work (pirates, and people with legitimate eye problems).  Even when they make a movie with 3-D in mind, how am I supposed to enjoy it at home?  I don't have the funds to buy a 3-D television that only 2 people can watch at a time.  Ridiculous.
Anyway, Those are my thoughts on 3-D movies.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Conspiracy: Zombies' Popularity

     They’re everywhere.  They are on television, in your comics, roaming the streets, eating your vegetables.  I’m talking of course about zombies.

     Zombies are big right now, real big.  There’s an award winning comic book with a TV show based on it that is all about zombies.  Bookstores carry more books about zombies than any other monster in popular culture.  There are more zombie books then there are of some genres of books.   Even group sanctioned events promote zombie popularity over vampires or werewolves. 

     So why is there all this fresh zombie love?  Love for mindless, souless creatures who only want to stuff chunks of you into their skinless maws.  It doesn’t make any sense that we treat our fellow human beings with hate and poor manners while we roll out the (blood) red carpet for the undead.  Well I think I’ve gotten to the bottom of the zombie epidemic, and it starts, with vampires.

That's right zombie, BE SAD.
     Vampires are real, and they don’t need people snooping around, becoming real life Blades, and slaughtering draculas left and right.  No, they need a new target, a scapegoat.  They need something stupid, slow, and easy to hate.  The zombie populace meets the requirements, completely unaware that they’re being made the main target of horror enthusiast and amateur monster hunters everywhere. 

     But why stop there folks?  Let’s make Twilight, a series of books and films painting vampires the protagonists instead of the antagonists, one of the biggest films in the world right now.  But who could they turn to make Edward the Vampire the dreamy hero as opposed to neck biting horror?  How about our current day Dracula Stephanie Myer?

     “Ok, so you’re attacking a writer, what about George Romero and his epic zombie films?”  George Romero is an innocent in this cultural war.  He made his “Living Dead” films as cautionary tales, but now those tales have been twisted into sick fun house mirror versions out of the general mythos.  His warning can no longer be heard over the chewing of necks that billions of vampires (estimate number) are allowed to do now that they’ve made zombies the number one threat.

     I can’t write any longer, but keep an open mind and open eyes people, for the UPS package of overnight truth is coming.  And I’m here to sign for the delivery.

I'm on to you, Douch-cula!