Friday, September 30, 2011

Faque FAQs 2

Why do bears like honey?
Bears really enjoy honey because they honey helps them find people with baskets of food.  There is a pheromone in honey that, upon consumption, allows a bear to smell human flesh, which gives off a particular odor, up to five miles.  This means as long as a bear has honey in its system, it can find any human within five miles of the bear’s position. 

Why does beer make people drunk?
People only have so many white cells in their body.  The fewer white cells a person has, the more sluggish they are and the sillier they act.  Beer, when drunk, makes the white cells temporarily nonexistent.  Hence we act like fools, or “drunk” because our white cell count is extremely low.  After a few hours the white cells come back into existence, which can be painful, hence the occurrence of hangovers.

Are these real answers? 

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Part 2 of 2 of Guest Writer of Site.

Hey folks.  We will be continuing Murray's list of why the internet is bad, but I need to fill you in before we go forward.  It turns out Murray won't be doing the actual posting today, or for a few years.  He texted me last night that he was in Mexico escaping what he called "the fuzz".  I guess his "side hobby" involving moonshine finally caught up with him.  

In any case he sent me a rough draft of what he was working on, but upon reading it I almost threw up.  So instead of subjecting you to his original thought process, I edited the whole thing and will post what I mined from the caves of crazy he sent me.

5. Myspace
No Toms allowed.
Myspace is the equivalent of that one house on a block that makes everyone sad.  They never tear it down, but they leave it up, reminding everyone how fragile and pointless our lives are.  Plus bands keep squatting there and posting music. Totally depressing. 

4. Chatroulette
How is it someone thought it was a good idea to make stranger meet face to face over the web?  I remember a little saying when I was young.  What was that saying?  Stranger danger!

3. Craigslist
I can’t think of another place where I can get sex, electronics, a job, and a free blood stained couch cushion besides Craigslist.  Well, maybe in that alley behind the bowling alley.  You know the one, it’s got that homeless guy who’s always touching himself and reciting lines from The Jeffersons.

2. Facebook
Hah, swear words.
Facebook used to be awesome.  Back in 2004 I got an invite to join Facebook, a social network where the main purpose was to keep in touch with college friends.  I could chat with old high school friends or send a message to a buddy down the hall in my dorm.  And then EVERYONE was allowed a Facebook account.  That snotty ten year old that I hate, strangers I’ve never met and never WANT to meet, and potential employers that want to comb over my profile and give me shit for liking the third Spider-Man movie.

1.  Humanity
Things like Facebook, Chatroulette, and Craigslist were started with the best of intentions.  People from across the globe would meet, discuss ideas, and make our world a better place.  Yet we use Facebook to stalk friends of friends, Chatroulette for showing strangers our genitalia, and Craigslist…I can’t even mention here.  Thanks to humanity being a generally awful thing as an idea AND species, the internet is ruined forever.
Way to go mankind.

Friday, September 23, 2011

Guest Writer or Apologies for being absent

Hey folks sorry I've been not posting lately, been swamped with, well, nothing, I lied about being busy.  But I'm getting back on schedule with a posting schedule for Fridays and Tuesdays starting today.  And to beg forgiveness (and to cut down on pauses between posts) I've brought on a fellow blogger to help with the workload.  And now for his premier post, Murray Fitzsimmons!

Hello folks, I'm Murray Fitzsimmons, the world's foremost 81 year old blogger.  I'm here to complain about technology and set you little s***s straight.  Let's get to it!

10.  FML
People have been one upping each other comparing how crappy their lives are since the fifties, and now there’s a website dedicated to the task.  Now if something terrible happens to you can share it with the entire world.  Never mind trying to be the best, now fame can be achieved by making your life as sad as possible.  Confound internet with its high speed hate rays.

9. Lolcatz

If “Planet of the Apes” don't happen, “Planet of the Cats because people are stupid” definitely will.  People croon and gurgle over pictures of cats and look their minds.  It’s like watching someone who, after years and years of eating lead paint chips, finally gets hit with the effects of colored poison.  When I had a cat back in 1920, I trained the f*** out of that cat, and it was a f***ing cougar!  Moving on.

8. E-mail
E-mail is the new snail mail.  How did that happen?  When did regular mail become to terrible?  People tweet full emails more than they email.  I've literally been told in person “I don’t use email, text me the info”.  NO!  Email is not slow, it’s e-mail!  Electronic-you know what, never mind.  I can feel my blood getting hotter, I’m stopping here.  Damn sciatica. 

What a waste of moving pictures.
I like that bands are putting themselves on the YouTube to promote themselves.  That’s actually very cool.  I hate how the other 99% of videos on YouTube consist of a mix of the following: fat kids, fat adults, falling down, pranks, animal videos, soft core porn, awful web series, bike crashes, car crashes, occasional skateboard mishaps, and terrible audio and video of a TV show recorded on a crappy cell phone camcorder from a bad TV during a party.  

6. Twitter
The main thing I hate about Twitter is how many characters I’m allowed to write.  Seriously, how is anyone supposed to get any message acros

Stay tuned, or, actually tune in next Tuesday for the second half of Murray's post.  

All images and websites mentioned are owned by those companies and websites.  I don't claim to own any rights and I only use them in jest because they're so cool for not suing me thanks!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


So this has been a lax week as far as posts go.  I can't really blame Hurricane Irene, but I will any, that terrible she-wench.  Anyway, Starting next Monday I'll be trying a daily posting thing, nothing fancy, just an experiment that I thought of randomly.  It will probably be super boring and mind numbing, but I don't care!  I do what I want, and you will read this craziness.  Or not whatever.  Welp, time to go work on this amazing project, and NOT spend an hour making a sandwich.