In the spirit of the holidays I have decided to collect a series of letters sent by people requesting various wants from their respective holiday peoples. (This isn't real please don't sue me or throw a brick through my window)
I would like the following
one pear tree
a couple of turtle doves
a gold ring for each finger on my right hand
some geese that can lay eggs
a sweet party with dancing ladies
a dozen drummers just drumming the shit out of their drums
Dear Hanukkah Harry,
I would like my oil for my menorah to last as long as possible. As you must know times are tough and we need to make this oil last. If you can make it go eight nights, then that would amazing, thank you.
Dear Kwanzaa mascot
Please send me the purpose of Kwanzaa. I've been celebrating this holiday for five years now and I don't know what I'm doing. Thank you in advance, I guess.
(Apologies to Futurama for stealing that last joke)
Dear Flying Spaghetti Monster ,
Bring destruction to my enemies and pain to my foes. If you could do this really soon that would be much appreciated. Also how do you exist?
To Retailius, the God of Retail,
Please make this holiday season less hectic, stressful, and agonizing for retail employees. Seriously, customers are dumb as hell and won't do their part to make things easier. Also whatever the Spaghetti guy wanted.