Friday, December 28, 2012

Why I want an elephant.

1.  I would stand out at the dog park.  Partly for the squashed dogs in Stampers' wake.

2.  I would save on gas.  I mean car fuel, not butt gas, I think elephants fart pretty hard.

3.  PETA would hate me but never be able to catch me.  Also Stampers would squash them proper.

4.  Stampers would never forget my birthday, or forget anything for that matter.

5.  I could threaten my enemies with his massive feet and tusks.  Then I would mash and spear my enemies.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

12 days of Crazy

When the song "12 days of Christmas" became a thing, few people knew it was based on real events.  Well, it would be.  Behold and witness the back and forth of an actual 12 gift fiasco!  And Happy Holidays.  

Sent on: December 25, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 1st day of Christmas…
My true love,

Thank you so much for the partridge and the pear tree!  Such a joy, I love you so much, Merry Christmas.

-Your love,

Sent on: December 26, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 2nd day of Christmas…
My love,

First the partridge and pear tree, and now two doves?  They’re beautiful and have not stopped singing.  Thank you oh so much!

-Your love,

Sent on: December 27, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 3rd day of Christmas…
My love,

The French hens are lovely, but you did not have to send three!  Sadly the doves don’t seem to like them and are hiding somewhere in the apartment.  I appreciate these wonderful gifts, but it would be amazing if you could send a cage for the birds.

-Your love

Sent on: December 28, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 4th day of Christmas…

I feel like I have enough birds.  These calling birds are nice, but four of them?  Additionally the French hens are pooping wherever they walk and the doves never stop singing.  Ever.  My partridge hasn’t done much, but I fear that additional birds may disturb my sleep habits.

Please don’t send any more gifts.


Sent on: December 29, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 5th day of Christmas…
John my love,

Thank you so much for the gold rings!  They’re beautiful beyond description!  This makes up for all the birds!  But please come get the birds as I can’t get any sleep at night due to the constant singing.

-Your love, Catherine

Sent on: December 30, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 6th day of Christmas…

I love you, but I don’t want geese.  The partridge died yesterday, the doves flew out a window, and the hens are beginning to smell, why are you still sending birds to my home?  Please stop.


Sent on: December 31, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 7th day of Christmas…

Knock it off with the damn birds!  I don’t need swans swimming in a pond you made in my living room.  The geese won’t stop laying eggs and there’s bird shit everywhere.  I don’t have time to clean all of this; the rings are going to get pawned to afford an exterminator.  Please stop giving me stuff and just come clean out my apartment.


Sent on: January 1, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 8th day of Christmas…

SERIOUSLY?  Maids milking full grown cows??  Why would you do this to me?  Not only is my landlord freaking out due to the layer of bird feathers, now there are COWS on my damn stoop!  Get them TODAY or I’m dumping you.  Oh, and the rings are fake, asshole.

Sent on: January 2, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 9th day of Christmas…

I get it, ok?  “9 ladies dancing” haha real funny.  Except it’s disgusting.  Not only is my apartment still covered with bird crap, the cows trampled most of the birds and the maids won’t go home.  Now I have strippers dancing at all hours and the ponds you made in my place for the swans to swim in are leaking into the downstairs apartment.  I’ll type this so you’ll hopefully understand:

Sent on: January 3, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 10th day of Christmas…

What do lords leaping, aka ballet dancers, have to do with Christmas?  A holiday that, by the way, ENDED 9 DAYS AGO.  Know when our relationship ended?  TODAY.  Stop sending me stuff or I’ll get my lawyer involved.


Sent on: January 4, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 11th day of Christmas…

I get how you sent “pipers piping”, though we both know these are just 12 year olds with recorders.  Their screeching has startled the french hens into flying around the apartment and wrecking whatever the cows and strippers and male ballet dancers missed.  Screw you, we’re done.

Sent on: January 5, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 12th day of Christmas…

I didn’t think it could get worse, but you topped it with bass drummers from the local marching band.  You’re an asshole, these birds are disgusting, the strippers are still here, the maids are getting with the leaping lords, and I can’t describe how much I hate you.  See you in court, prick.


Friday, December 21, 2012

5 Ways to Get Around

First off let's just say that you don't have access to a car.  Let's say you are without a car, have no money for a bus token, and there is no other public transportation in your area.  How will you get around?  Simple!  Utilize one of the following methods I have outlined as such.

1. Hitchhike- I'm fairly certain you won't get chopped up by whatever psycho would pick you up, so live a little.  Catch a ride in a truck, in a station wagon, hell, sit behind a kid in a wagon being pulled by his dad.  Whatever the ride, snag one, and offer to pay with either gas, grass, or ass.  All are viable tender.

2. Ride an animal- it doesn't matter which one, but the larger and faster the better.  Horse? Excellent choice.  Hippo?  Not so much.  Corgi dog?  Awful choice, too little.  Centaur?  If you can get over the weird sexual tension, a fine choice.  Tiger?  No way that thing will eat you alive.  So experiment and have fun!

3. Get struck by lightning while near chemicals and become The Flash- just Barry Allen it up and stop being a pussy.  Play with weird chemicals during a lightning storm and then let nature happen.  To ensure this happens you should probably have a large metal pole to conduct the electricity stuck directly into your rib cage.  Just to be safe.

4. Discover a series of wormholes- Donnie Darko did it, and he was a weird little dude.  All you really have to do here is be fucking insane and read some weird book that Drew Barrymore a sa teacher hates.  Or love.  I'll be honest, I don't remember much from Donnie Darko.

5.  Kill yourself- let me finish: so you'll become a ghost!  Ghosts go everywhere all the time, and they love being ghosts. They float through the air without a care in their hollow see through head.  Sure you'll forever have unfinished business, but at least you'll get to work on time.  Oh, everyone's at your funeral?  Right...DAY OFF!

Friday, December 14, 2012

Open Letter: Cats that scratch you when you pick them up.

Dear cats that scratch people when picking you up,

There is no good reason to scratch people when they pick you up.  I understand the saying "you can take the tiger out of the jungle but you can't take the jungle out of the tiger" but to be far you're an orange tabby.  The name tabby insinuates you will be handled frequently.

The factors leading to your being handled are many; you are soft, you have hypnotizing eyes, your tails are like additional creatures, and you're lap sized.

If you still disagree with being handled, here are some tips I think you'll find helpful in avoiding human contact.
-never clean yourselves, humans hate touching dirty animals
-always have feces or urine ready to launch as soon as you're off the ground
-start killing and bringing home animals larger than you, so we'll know you're serious

Now if you choose to ignore that advice, that is fair, but keep in mind you waive all rights to not be handled by people, so the following is what you'll be contending with.
-hugs ranging from gentle to death grip
-being dressed in clothing
-having a child pet you a little harder than they should
-enduring baby talk

Perhaps we can come to a compromise.  These are the terms of the agreement.
You will poop in our shoes any time you want - we get to pick you up when company is over
You may scratch us when we come near you - you must wear adorable clothing when we wish
We will pull all the embarrassing cat videos from online - you agree to cuddle on our laps but NOT do that kneading thing where you dig your claws into peoples' crotches

If we have an agreement, I expect to hear from your people shortly.

Your owners.

Friday, December 7, 2012

An Alien's Report on Earth

Esteemed Commanders,

The following is my report regarding the planetoid known as "Earth".  Keep in mind my frankness when discussing domination of this planet, and I only speak thus due to the drastic nature of my report.

The task is impossible.

First off, Earthlings will be a poor work force.  90% of the human race is overweight, lazy, and soft.  They are too soft to handle the razor diamonds in the caves of our third moon Neblar.  The humans also think they deserve great reward for little to no work. Beasts more foul than our Krug-Thaks are paraded on their tele-monitors and paid extravagant sums of currency.

Second, they understand how to kill.  They kill very, very well.  They create visuals that would horrify our most seasoned generals.  There are a series of what the humans call "movies" that frequently depict themurder or invading aliens to their world.  One film in particular "Independance Day" shows how powerful the human celebrities can be by rendering a warroir unconscious with only his fist.

Thirdly, there is a massive amount of water on Earth.  Do not think I exaggerate when I say there is literally water in the air at random peroids.  It is nearly a miracle in itself that I have not perished during what the human's call a "light shower".

So in conclusion, we must not invade Earth.  Not until even their powerful celebrities are defeat able   We must focus on one Will Smith, one Tommy Lee Jones, and one Harrison Ford.  Ford has aligned with a singular Wookie, the infamous "Chewbacca" we all tell cautionary tales about.

In Glory for the Empire,
Sl'arrz Taku, Fultorian Scout

Friday, November 30, 2012

Less Obvious Uses for Time Travel

We all know that if time travel were an option there would be the obvious choices of first tasks.  Go back and kill Hitler. Witness the signing of the Declaration of Independence.  Redo on that horrible prom incident.  You know the one.

However once all that super awesome stuff is finished, what else could one do with time travel?  Here is a short list of great ideas you may not have thought of.

-While at a restaurant rewind time as the check comes.  You're now full and the meal was free.
-Make your puppy stay a puppy forever.  No more heart breaking dog death or awful "teen years" for Rex.
-Do like Bill Murray and "Ground Hog Day" over and over until you get the perfect day.
-Do the Ground Hog thing with sex and bang that chick a million times.
-Brag to cavemen about having sex a million times.
-Wreck your own home, then cleanup within seconds.  Technically negative time since it never happened.  Why is my nose bleeding all of a sudden?
-Get drunk as hell off of one beer with constant rewinding.
-Post to your blog on time for once in your damn life.

So there you go folks, there are some possibly not previously considered options for time travel before the government breaks own your door for the device.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

What I've been doing instead of posting to the blog.

I realize I have not updated the blog in quite some time.  And to those of you who want more crazy, shut the hell up I'm working on it.  I'm already chugging paint at a tenth grade level.  But if you want to know WHY I've been so goddamn lazy, here are a few reasons to satiate your constant questioning.

Instead of updating my blog, I have been-
-getting drunk
-driving for hours at a time
-playing video games
-training for the UFC
-plotting my enemies' demise
-trying to catch this one squirrel I saw running across my yard
-learning to bake bread
-surfing reddit
-designing next year's halloween costume
-staring at my computer and thinking "I'll do a post later"
-NOT working on my novel
-rewatching the same episode of Community so I can play it in my head anytime.
-getting beat up by babies
-trying to make a trending hashtag despite only having 23 followers
-trying to grow my twitter followers
-sitting on Facebook but not reading statuses
-drinking more coffee than I should
-napping illegally
-trying to figure out how to nap illegally

So there you have it.  That's why I haven't updated the blog on time in such a long time.  Get the fuck off my back about it.

Friday, November 16, 2012

3 uses for books besides reading them

It's officially National Novel Writing Month and in honor of participating and knowing about it existing I want to expound on the greatness of books aside from just reading them.  And I know there are the old stand bys of stabilizing a wobbly table, smacking a jerk friend, or smashing a big bug, but what about the lesser known uses?  Here are three of the best.

3.  Eating the book.
So you've read through the latest spy thriller from whoever writes those.  You had a satisfying read and loved every thrill along the way.  Now you're hungry, but it's late and your fridge is empty.  Your grandpa always talked about how great roughage is, and what is paper but nature's roughage?  Don't take big bites, as that isn't healthy, but go ahead and nibble away at your book until your belly is full and your imagination dancing with possible sequels to the thing you just ate.

2.  Murder.
Sure, murder is bad, whatever.  But think about how many lives you'll change when the defense attorney picks up your copy of "Ernest Hemingway Collection of short stories" wrapped in inside the evidence bag, the blood still splattered on the spine, and waves it around for all to see.  The guy behind you will lean forward, inching ever so carefully, and ask "Hey, is that any good?"  And you'll say "Yeah, it's great, especially 'Hills like White Elephants'" and he'll say "I will read that."  You just produced another reader, thanks to that horrible murder over a spatula.

1.  Hide your gun.
I don't mean your pissy little glock, I mean hide one of those giant sniper rifles you have to break down to get anywhere.  That shit is legitimate, and people need to know you're both well read AND a fucking psycho.  Sure you've never actually assembled or even fired the damn thing, but the fact you went to the trouble to carve out spots for every single component for your weapon and carry every book with you at all times proves that you deserve to cut the line at Starbucks.  I mean, son of a bitch, all I want is a coffee, and that dipshit up front is ordering a weird specialty bullshit -chino something?  Fuck that guy.

Happy Novel Month everyone!  Learn to read or you may get bludgeoned to death with a copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets!


Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Why phone is better than a child.

It's no secret that I don't really like kids.  It's also no secret that I'm not a huge fan of technology most of the time.  But it needs to be said that I like one particular piece of technology, my phone, more than any child.  Here are the top 5 reasons why that is.

5. My phone doesn't poop.

4.  When I ask my phone a question it answers right away.

3.  I can tell when my phone is tired and put it down for a nap without issue.

2.  It's not weird to keep my phone in my pocket.

1.  If my phone goes missing, I just get a new one.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Top ten Man Made objects monkeys love.

10. Jungle Gyms:  It'slike the jungle, but without all those snakes and hunters and tigers.  it's the swinging without the danger, and monkeys hate danger.  Or so I assume, I don't actually know anything about monkeys.
Monkeys fucking LOVE this.

9. Drums: Monkeys love noise, and there isn't much less like music and more like noise than drum sets.  Monkeys just thrash and explosions happen!

8. Crayons: You ever watch a monkey color?  They lose themselves, like in that "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" movie, Ceaser colored like an artist until he went nuts and enslaved humanity.

7. Fake boobs: Monkeys love normal boobs so why wouldn't they be big fans (pun intended) of always perfect never saggy boobs?  It's a fact. (probably not fact)

The best of friends.
6. Clint Eastwood: Mostly just Clyde was into Clint during "Every Which Way but Loose" and even then I think orangutans are apes, not monkeys.  The arguments stands though.

5. Buttons:  Not like on clothes, buttons that when pressed crazy shit happens.  Hitting a button makes a banana happen?  Fuck yes!  But in monkey talk, so mostly grunts and shrieks.

4. Lab equipment:  Why is this on the list.  Only because most lab equipment is fragile AND expensive, which makes for a monkey's attention full force.

He's BANANAS for style.
3. iPads: Monkeys love to break things and iPads are fun to break.  Take THAT biting satire Apple!

2. Suits: There is a reason they call it a 'monkey suit'.  I don't actually know what that reason is, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with how great monkeys look while wearing suits.  If you toss in a hat and suitcase, well then hell yeah!

1. Masturbation: Man created the idea of tugging at your crank, but monkeys perfected it.  Especially when elementary school groups walk by with the teacher trying to hide the sight of the lonley monkey making himself a little less lonely.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Two Ducks Discussing Politics

As two mallards drift across a pond in a popular park, they strike up a conversation.

Duck 1:  I don't know, I just can't support the government anymore.

Duck 2: How do you mean?

D1: I mean that it's flawed and we should go back to a survival of the fittest.

D2: Umm, we're already doing that survival thing, we're ducks in nature.

D1: Right, but I mean a REAL survival.  No more handouts, especially for immigrants.

D2: What immigrants?  We live in a pond near a playground.  And by "handouts" do you mean that bread they bring?  Fuck you I'll take your bread then.

D1: And that's whats wrong with the system!  You shouldn't get special treatment just because you have more ducklings than me!  I earn everything I get.

D2: You can't claim that bread dropped by that two year old as "earning".  That's the same kid who crapped his pants because he stood up too fast.

D1: Whatever.  You certainly can't argue that we need a total overhaul.

D2: But you hate change.  The last time they cut the grass different you lost your mind.

D1: This isn't about me!  This is about our rights as citizens!

D2: Do we get rights?  We're domesticated water fowl, I think we're lucky to be smart enough to avoid being where hunters go.

D1: Whatever, I can't talk to you like this.

D2: Fine dude, but that rich family is back, I'm getting me some of that sweet honey bread!

D1: Ohh, the honey bread people are back.  Move aside Commie!

D2: Capitalist jerk.

It's a smart duck because he's dressed nice.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

A Series of Letters to myself in the future and past after traveling through time

Dear Blake at 6:40 PM March 23rd 2011
            You did it!  I am writing this seconds after traveling forward in time approximately three months.  I’m in the same room as when I left, the main difference is that there are different books on the shelf and I’m pretty sure if I check the fridge the milk will have been bad for awhile.  How exciting!  Next I may try traveling backwards in time.

Best Wishes!
-Blake at 6:40 PM June 23rd 2011

Dear Blake at 6:41 PM March 23rd 2011
            This is Blake in the 1970s!  I can’t be more specific since I never planned for exact years, but there are bell bottoms everywhere and everything feels laid back yet on the verge of riot at the same time.  I guess the room wasn’t here back then as I’m in a field with the device.  There is a group of people walking over to me, they look a little displeased.  I’ll simply explain what has happened and ask to speak with President Nixon, he’ll tide things over.

See you in 40 years!
Blake at 6:40 PM March 23rd sometime in the 1970s

Dear Blake at 6:42 PM March 23rd 2011
            It’s the Blake from three months into the future.  I don’t know what you did in the span between your time and mine, but all of these books are in French and there’s a basement full of shaved cats that were definitely not there 3 months ago.  Did you go mad with the idea of time travel and dig out a basement only to fill it with cats to be shaved?  Also tell Blake from the 1970s to NOT talk to Jack Nicholson about his movie roles, things will go poorly.

Best of luck sir.
Blake at 7:13 PM June 23rd 2011

Dear Blake at 6:43 PM June 23rd 2011
            It’s the Blake form the 70’s and things just got fucked up.  I ran into Jack Nicholson and told him “Chinatown” is crap and he freaked and dropped the project.  Now Mark Hamill is starring and I worry that may upset the time stream. 

Stay Strong
Blake from the 70’s

Dear Blake at 6:44 PM March 23rd 2011
            It’s Blake from three months into the future, and the movie you’re waiting to go see is terrible.  It’s nothing but explosions, no story, the cast is a joke, and the production values are so sad that it makes my camera phone legitimate competition.  Again, do not go to see Avatar 2: Pandora Rising.  It’s no good.

Love yourself!
Blake from June 23rd 2011

Dear Future and Past Blakes
            This is Blake from 6:40 PM March 23rd 2011.  STOP SENDING LETTERS.  I’m already bored with the time machine and decided to add a basement to my house so knock it off.  I don’t care if the time stream is broken or what will happen in three months.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to Home Decorum and get some tools for my anti capitalist basement for the Czar.  Oh how he hates cats.

All Hail Glorious Leader Charles Sheen,
Comrade Blake

Monday, September 24, 2012

There is no Tooth Fairy

There is no Tooth Fairy.

There is no Tooth Fairy.  There is no tiny pixie hovering over your bed taking your discarded and unwashed teeth.  There is no tiny mythical being who places money where your tooth once was.  There is no magical being who gets inside your room, under your pillow TWICE only to escape with your loosed molar, eye tooth, or incisor.

There is no district warehouse for various Tooth Faries to deposit their nightly haul of teeth.  There is no foreman who checks the teeth, discards the bad teeth and allows the good teeth to go on the Tooth Fairy truck.

There is no foul home where a team of Tooth Fairy scientists and dark wizards take all of the good teeth taken by the hordes of Tooth Faries.  There is no evil plan to merge science with dark magics to create something called "The Final Solution" in the tooth fairy community.  There is no final solution in the tooth world where a terrifying Tooth Golem is constructed.

There is no Tooth Golem that would roam the planet, devouring people and destroying homes.  There is no plan where the President of the United States will have to press a blinking red button to nuke the Tooth Golem.  And there is absolutely no chance that the Tooth Golem will survive and continue to wreak havoc on  a world ripped apart by nuclear fallout.

So don't bother looking for the non existent tooth fairy that is playing a small but vital part in what will eventually become the downfall of man kind under the rule of the Tooth King.

Now rememeber, there is no Tooth Fairy.

Can you smeeeeeeeell the tooth conspiracy?

Thursday, September 20, 2012

The REAL 50 Shades of Grey

1. Grey
2. Light grey
3. Dark Grey
4. Charcoal Grey
5. Night Grey
6. Very dark grey
7. Really light grey
8. Cloud grey
9. Mixed paint grey
10. Jean Grey
11. Sasha Grey
12. Old crayon grey
13. Light black
14. Dirty white
15. Batman grey
16. Smoke grey
17. Koala grey
18. Near death in video games grey
19. Old photograph grey
20. Rain grey
21. Three Stooges grey
22. Steel grey
23. Old man hair grey
24. Gross poorly cooked chicken grey
25. Dust grey
26. Flask grey
27. Macy grey
28. Ash grey
29. Earl grey
30. Ghost grey
31. Nook grey
32. Right grey
33. Wrong grey
34. Sort of grey
35. Metal grey
36. Robot grey
37. Instagram grey
38. Not really grey
39. Gay grey
40. Hun grey
41. An grey
42. Chang grey
43. Mon grey
44. Between good and evil grey
45. Golf club grey
46. Bank interior grey
47. Lamp grey
48. The Offspring t-shirt grey
49. Not even grey
50. Getting spanked by some rich guy named grey

Monday, September 17, 2012

An Open Letter to Men with Shy Bladders

Dear guys with shy bladders,

I would like to call you out on this so called "condition".

What fears could you possibly have being near someone while you pee?  There should never be a reason to fear peeing near others.  The pitfalls of shy bladder are two fold.

First, if you don't go whenever you need to, then your body builds up kidney stones.  These are incredibly painful, cost you thousands of dollars in hospital bills, and then you have to force the stones out your urethra while several people watch you.  See how your shy bladder has betrayed you?

Second, if you have to tell people not to watch you when you pee then you're sacrificing your role in the pack that is your group of peers.  If lower ranking members of the pack sense any form of weakness they will pounce.  But since we're a civilized culture, instead of tearing you apart with their teeth they will instead make fun of you and your "condition".

Now to make a side note to men with bladders so fearful they must take up residence in a bathroom stall merely to urinate.  Stop being a coward.  The stall is for those of us who ate a large meal and need to pass it quickly.  You wouldn't want us squatting over the urinals, we don't want you splashing the seat.

So please, if you have a shy bladder, get over yourself and gain some confidence.

Thank you, and happy trails,
-Blake Hunt

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Interview with a Bear

I imagine an interview with a live bear would be daunting, but within the realm of achievable.

First off we would have to go with a black bear.  Grizzly and polar bears are too volatile for the studio audience.  Why the studio audience?  Because if we're going to ask a bear questions, we have to do it right.

We'll ignore the obvious questions like "Do you really eat honey?" and "So where is Boo Boo?"  It would be like if you asked a black person where their fried chicken is.  It's rude, undignified, and an eensy bit racist.

But what questions could we ask the bear?  Well for that we would want questions people may be genuinely curious about.  Examples include if they really can run as fast as a horse or if they ever eat too much salmon.

I imagine the bear would have many stories about catching salmon in the river or shitting in the woods; we would humor the bear because the bear is a guest and one should always be polite to the guest.  We would wade through the fish and shit stories to get to the real hearty stuff.

Hearty stuff like surviving forest fires, eating a camper who wandered too close to the bear's cubs, or the best way to scratch one's back against a tree.  These would be the hard hitting questions that would make Charlie Rose proud if he wasn't scared of bears.

I imagine the bear would speak out against fictional representations of bears like Yogi and Pooh, who make bears look fat and lazy.  But the bear would applaud mankind on Smokey while remaining silent about the Charmin bears.  You know, the bears that get bits of toilet paper stuck to their butts?

They would not mention the Charmin bears and we would not, pardon the pun poke the bear.  Maybe an audience member would shout out the question and the bear would eat them.  I would allow, for it is what bears do.

I imagine the interview would start off shaky, but then things would go smoothly.

Then the bear would slaughter the host as the credits roll.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Hobo Itinerary

8:00-8:15    Screaming night terrors outside public school
8:30-9:47    Sit on a bench with all possessions with single cup of coffee
9:50-10:00  Check bindle for cap of soup, fingerless gloves, and stabbin knife
10:00-12:00 Panhandle at train station
12:00-12:05 Hop on boxcar for free
12:10-3:00   Survive what is referred to as Hobo Fight Club
3:00-3:05     Get thrown out of boxcar by observational cop
3:05-3:15     Recover self and bindle
3:15-5:00     Sleep under a tree by the river
5:00-5:20     Get mistaken for a dead body, wake up to terrified children 
5:20-7:50     Make way into town, get enough change for a meal
7:50-8:30     Buy booze
8:30-8:40     Drink booze
8:40-???       Make alot of noise and commotion then pass out

Friday, September 7, 2012

Times you probably should not drink

Life is rough.  You go through the motions and the only medicine to ease the pain of existence is alcohol!  But beer, wine, and liquor are not always the right answer.  There are dozens, literally DOZENS of scenarios where drinking is inappropriate.  Following are a samples of those dozens.

Taxes:  Taxes are stressful, so it's only natural to have a few drinks to clam your nerves.  Never mind that any mistakes made on these forms will determine how much money you're given or due to pay.  And never mind the fact that people tend to make more mistakes when they drink.  I just worry about that hangover coming on the same day when taxes are actually due.

Organizing your house:  So you have to clean out the closet, organize your desk, and rearrange the living room?  Sure a glass or two of wine will help you get motivated, but if you indulge too much then you wind up laying across your desk that is now in the living room, watching tv upside down and wearing three coats you found in your closet.

Writing thank you letters: Now no one likes doing these, but they are vital  Think about how the room spins when you get too drunk, do you want to try and hand write anything?  Never mind the letters, try writing your own name.  You can't?  And that's why you don't write thank you letters drunk

Meeting new people: What better way to meet new people than when hammered?  You can't quite pronounce any words, you're louder than you should be, and you keep hitting on that girl who was clearly introduced as the host's girlfriend.  Seriously, drink some water, rummy.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Five people I would punch in the face.

Now I don't harbor ill will towards all the people on this list, this is merely a list of people I would punch in the face given the chance.

Whoever thought "Battleship" needed to be a movie- Seriously?  You felt that a movie based on the board game Battleship needed to be a movie?  With starving children across the globe you had to pour money into a shitty sci fi naval combat movie that doesn't even say "You sunk my battleship"?  Fuck you guy, I'm coming for you.
Type of Punch: Jab in the nose.  Just knock some blood out and some sense into the idiot.

Michael Vick- I don't usually care what athletes, celebrities, singers, or any other famous people do in their spare time.  But if you're involved in something that actively harms dogs then you're a terrible human being and you don't deserve happiness.
Type of Punch: I'd probably box his ears, or fake out then a solid kick to the balls.

The founder of Texas- Just... I don't know, fuck Texas man, just...yeah, fuck that place.
Type of Punch: I can't guarantee I would ever stop, but I guess an uppercut to start.

Teddy Roosevelt- Now this is interesting because I'm a huge fan of Teddy Roosevelt.  He's a real romantic, he made himself not sick, he inspired teddy bears.  So why punch him in the face?  Because I want the honor of getting my ass kicked by Teddy fuckin' Roosevelt!
Type of Punch: I'm thinking a proper left cross, enough to get his attention but not cause any serious damage.

Me as a five year old- I was a dick as a kid, I could have used a good punch from my adult self.
Type of Punch- Right hook.  Maybe low to the ribs, I'm already not that good looking, why make things worse?

Thursday, August 30, 2012

I Must Persevere

I must persevere.  I must persevere past my shortcomings, faults, and defects.

Even though I don't own a car.  A car I used to have but crashed into a school.  I must persevere beyond having to ride the bus even though I refuse to wear anything besides sweatpants and a Hello Kitty shirt two sizes too small.  Even though I have chronic flatulence due to me eating four bowls of chili for breakfast.  I must persevere.

I must persevere despite this Hooters banning me for what they called "rude behavior".  Behavior caused by being too drunk off three pitchers of beer, so I order only two pitchers.  I only weigh 115 pounds, but I will persevere to drink both pitchers.

I must persevere to eat the "Mega-Ton Combo" 50 wing order with "Mega-Ton" hot sauce and choose to ignore that last time I ate this order.  The last time this order was placed cops had to show up.  I was involved, but I must persevere past that event.  Even though I sprayed hot sauce in my own eyes and took my sweatpants off last time, I must persevere

I must persevere past the urge to slap the waitress on the ass.  I wish I had persevered to wash my hands first, for now she has a hot sauce hand print on her butt.  Even though I think it's funny, her boyfriend/bouncer decides to punch me then throw me out of the Hooters.  I must persevere past the wounds sustained from this altercation.

I will persevere.  At least until I pull my dick out at an Applebee's again.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

What bothers me about Hanna-Barbera cartoons.

So Scooby-Doo was about a group of teens driving around with a great dane that could talk.  Never mind how they paid for gas or food, and I accept they hit up laundromats to keep their one change of clothes clean.  But the dog clearly talks and NO ONE acknowledges this as weird.  Old men run around in tiki monster costumes, but the talking dog never sparks conversation?

Also if the group just left Shaggy and Scooby in the van, the plans to catch the ghost/mummy/possessed armor would go much smoother.  Except for those times when the trap doesn't work and Scooby being a stoner doggie saves the day somehow.

I think the question isn't if Scrappy-Doo was doing coke, but HOW MUCH coke was he doing?  Seriously he was rarin' to go and he was maybe the size of one of Scooby's paws.  I won't believe he was a strategist, but I would accept that he was doing some heavy shit in that van.

So in The Jetsons they lived in cities way up on poles.  How many people fall off the sides?  What happens when the flying cars run out of gas?  I'm almost one hundred percent certain that the cars drop into the nothingness and the mortality rate in that world is fairly high.  

The Flinstones got it right.  They got by with talking appliances. That is an America I want to be a part of.

Would Quick Draw McGraw need to re-tune his guitar with each attack?  What do you mean "Who is Quick Draw McGraw"?  Go fuck yourself.

How did no one see that mild mannered janitor Henry was in fact Hong Kong Phooey?  He was the only fucking dog in the entire universe in that cartoon.  Are the humans retarded to the level of not knowing the difference between a talking dog and all the humans?  I mean Hong Kong Phooey is a talking dog in a karate Gi and a bandit mask.  Henry the Janitor is a talking dog.  Dammit people Henry is Hong Kong Phooey!

Yogi Bear.  He constantly disregards the authority, Ranger Smith, he eats all the picnic baskets, and causes hijinks all over Jellystone Park.  Ranger, get some guns and fucking waste that bear.  He's a BEAR!  He nees to be hunted and brought to justice.  Then served to visiting dignitaries.  

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Pets' To Do Lists

What if pets totally made lists what to do while their owners are out?  Well here is the result of my "what if".

-stare at the door
-stare out the window
-eat my owner's hat
-knock over the trash can and play in the garbage

house cat
-throw up in owner's shoes
-stand on owner's keyboard while they try to do work
-sleep more
-not give a shit about anything other than myself

-swim left
-swim right
-explore that castle again
-swim left again
-die so the dad has to awkwardly explain death to his five year old

All images are found by going to Google Images and I don't claim to own these pictures.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Top Ten Reason why I am the best.

10. I always make my bed for my maid, who I tip extra.

9.  I eat my vegetables which I grow organically.

8.  I save gas when I drive my Hybrid Car while buying gas for others.

7.  I give tens and twenties to homeless people.

6.  I read instead of watching TV or surfing the internet.

5.  I recycle to the extreme (I haven't drank water I didn't clean myself for the past ten years).

4.  I rescue animals, children, ugly folk and old people.

3.  I take time out of my day to ask how other are doing and then I give them a shoulder rub.

2.  I give my blood until they legally stop me.

1. I went back in time and fucking killed Hitler like a motherfucker.  Oh things didn't change?  Imagine that!

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Movieholic: Total Recall

I have a theory about Total Recall and the ad campaign.

They showed the trailer for Total Recall for just about EVERY action movie that came out inthe past few months.  There's the one trailer with the exact same sequence of scenes cut together to serve as an advertisement.  This is not aspoiler to say just about every scene in the movie was in the trailer.  After watching the trailer more than three times, and thens eeing the movie, every twenty minutes or so I caught myself going "Oh yeah, this is when Quaid does this thing!".

My theory is that the studio wanted you to "recall" the trailer over and over so it's like you're the one in that weird chair.  There, theory posited, discuss.

Quick synopsis: Doug Quaid (Farrell) hates his life, tries Rekall, finds out he's a double agent, kicks ass against his wife Lori (Beckinsale) kicks ass with Melina (Biel) and spends most of the movie trying to find out who he really is.

Being a summer movie, Total Recall did it's job in that it was fun to watch.  It had the proper mixture of everything you need for a late summer sci fi action movie.  There were fight scenes, a dash of philosophical exchange from the source material, a little bit of drama, and then more wanton destruction.  Mix in a bowl of dystopian future and voila, a new Total Recall feed your sci-i and action hunger.

That being said I felt that for a movie loosely based on anything by Phillip K. Dick there was an awful lot of action.  Like so much action.  I felt tired after watching due to the amount of moving and punching on screen.  Though that didn't stop the director from tossing in bits of the original short story as weirdly timed dialogue in a way that felt like he used copy and paste methods.

Go team Recall for the subplot about class wars and corrupt people in positions of power, but it felt like they put it in due to "It's science fiction so it's required".

But everyone did their character fine, Bryan Cranston always get s a yay vote from me and Colin Farrell was in his element.  Since I consider Jessica Biel and Kate Beckinsale the same person from different timelines, it was weird watching them go head to head.

Sunday, August 12, 2012

My Arguments for the Apocalypse

There has been talk about the end of the world and that's all well and good, but I like to think we're so damn pampered and squishy that "end of the world" means "no more internet".  That means the Earth will keep spinning but the shifts would be tremendous.

First off money will mean nothing.  Capitalism will end, bringing the super rich down to the level of normal people.  They will desperately try to barter their Armani suit jacket for half a chicken and a can of green beans.  Hollywood will crumble within a month.

Second, people will get to know their neighbors again.  No longer will we be strangers to the people who we walk by in the apartment halls.  People will band together through neighborhoods, raiding the local grocery store and murdering raiders together.

Third, humanity will rise up as the top species again.  Right now anything from the following list can kill an average human: bears, sharks, crocodiles, bees, a pack of cats, a well aimed hot dog, and the sun.  If we're forced to survive and have access only to home grown vegetables and the meat we kill ourselves, the human race would be in peak physical condition.

Fourth we'll have imaginations again.  While I am a huge fan of television and the freedom the internet offers, so many people waste their lives in their digital tombs.  We keep shitting out remakes and sequels that lessen our scope of thought.  The real trick to creating is restricting yourself.  Give yourself a ceiling so you can break through it.

So there is a summation of why the apocalypse wouldn't be such a bad thing.  Also Mel Gibson would get to live out being Mad Max.  So yeah, it's a win for everyone.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Helpful Werewolf Tips

So you or a loved one has been bitten by an unholy beast from Hell.  It's not the end of the world!  All you have to do is follow these simple tips and you'll have a great time with your part human part wolf monster.

  • Don't go to PetsMart for product: You are still a human being dammit!  I don't care if you have fur on 90% of your body 80% of the time, you are STILL human.  With that in mind, picking up some flea scrub wouldn't be the end of the world.
  • Leave your doors and windows open during full moons: It's inevitable that you'll change into a horrible beast while you sleep, so why wreck the place where you live?  You know what werewolves don't give a shit about?  Doors or windows.  Man-wolves (and Lady-wolves to a lesser extent) will tear straight through any entrances to slake their blood lust.  You're going to get out, so just make your house bill a little easier.
  • Don't sleep in the same room as your significant fuzzy other: Why?  BECAUSE THEY WILL CHANGE INTO A BEAST AND SLAUGHTER YOU IN THEIR SLEEP.  Get separate bedrooms.
  • Let the hair grow: Maybe you're one of those coherent werewolves and you want to shave the hair off.  Don't.  If you do it'll jack up all your hair and growth issues.  You have enough problems becoming a monster every night, just ignore the hair and let it happen.  It's like rapid puberty, it's going to happen so just let it happen.
  • Don't worry if you're a vegan: Sure there are no vegan or vegetarian werewolves seeing as they exclusively eat meat and meat by products.  But as with Vegas what you do as a werewolf stays as a werewolf.  Or something like that.  Basically don't worry about devouring pounds of meat while in wolf form when you only eat veggies as a human.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

The 5 worst things about Alzheimer's

5. Your short term memory is really bad.

4.  People mess with you all the time.

5.  Your short term memory is really bad.

5.  Your short term memory is really bad.

Note to self: do a list about why Alzheimer's sucks.

Monday, July 30, 2012

5 Reasons why Django Unchained is going to be Amazing

I've seen a few trailers for the new Quentin Tarantino film "Django Unchained" and I feel that more of a fuss should be made about why this movie is going to be incredible.  So here are ive reason why I think "Django Unchained" is going to be awesome.

1. Jamie Foxx kicks white people ass: Foxx plays the slave Django (the "D" is silent) and gets to murder white slave owners.  As a fan of Tarantino I expect an extreme amount of love for African-Americans, and "Django Unchained" seems to promise plenty of Tarantino's love of the N-word.  I'm also having a lot of trouble picturing anyone else in this role.

2.  Christoph Waltz plays the other starring role: Who is Christoph Waltz?  Only the Jew Hunter from "Inglorious Basterds" and Chudnosfsky, the bad guy from the "Green Hornet" film.  His diction is amazing, his acting is superb, and he plays a bounty hunter.  Fuck off Boba Fett.

3.  Leonardo DiCaprio is a bad guy: Yes.  He's a great actor and it will be fun to see Leo's skill combined with Tarantino's directing style.  In the trailer he's drinking out of a mother fucking coconut shell  How is that not enough to make you watch the movie?

4.  It's an unconventional western film:  Westerns are sort of making a comeback, and this can help just by being not entirerly a western in the same way "Inglorious Basterds" wasn't historically accurate.  When Quentin Tarantino gets to screw around with history it's only a good thing.

5.  No more super heroes: Look, I loved The Amazing Spider-Man, The Avengers, and The Dark Knight Rises, but for fuck's sake can we get a good film that doesn't come from a comic book?  Give me a goddamn break Hollywood.  Ease off the superhero movies until 2013.  Oh you are?  Scratch that last comment.
Oh hell yes.
If you agree or disagree with me, follow and hit me up on Twitter @SupChiCoo

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Top ten reason to dislike zombies

So there are several reasons to not be a fan of zombies.  If you're unsure what the reasons should be then take a gander at the list below.

Let's make this a flag!

10. Zombies are technically spreading a vicious strain of STDs.

9. Zombies never wash their clothes.

8. Zombies steer the conversation to what they care about no matter the subject.  The subject being brains.

7. Zombies rarely comb their hair if they have it.

6. When a relative (parents, siblings, etc) becomes a zombie they make your life difficult on purpose.

5. Zombies don't understand that "no" means "no".

4. Zombies are lazy and selfish.

3. Zombies always gang up on you in every situation.

2. Zombies always break your doors and windows.

1. Zombies never offer to share your brains with you.

And now a single reason to like zombies in the interest of fairness.
1. Zombies are better than those faggy vampires.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Movieholic: The Dark Knight Rises

It's hard to remember a time when Christopher Nolan wasn't the go to name with Batman films.  Well now that time has come to an end and the public has to accept the end of the Batman/Dark Knight trilogy.

In The Dark Knight Rises (TDKR) Bruce Wayne (Christian Bale) has been retired from being the Batman, freeing him up mingle with new characters such as Miranda Tate (Marion Cotillard) and Gotham Police Officer John Blake (Joseph Gordon-Levitt).  Gotham is free from major crime aside from thefts by cat burglar Selina Kyle (Anne Hathaway) which makes the arrival of the terrorist Bane (Tom Hardy) more painful and shocking.  Despite efforts between Batman, John Blake, and Commissioner Gordon (Gary Oldman) Bane takes Gotham and threatens the peace that Gotham once knew.  Can Batman rise up and stop this masked powerhouse before Gotham is reduced to ashes?

I know many people are going to compare TDKR to the other films in the trilogy, but let's ignore them which is easy to do thanks to how Nolan makes each film stand on its own.  So we get to see Selina Kyle kick ass and Bane murder almost everyone he meets while Batman fights the police and his aged body on the stage of Gotham on the brink of destruction.  Despite these legendary characters strutting around Gotham some of the most impressive on screen presence comes from Officer Blake and Commissioner Gordon.  It feels like TDKR is telling the average movie goer you don't have to be a hero to save the day.  If that is the message then I applaud it, if that's not the message then it's still a damn good movie.

If I've been too vague in my stance on the movie, I loved it.  I was terrified of Bane, fell in love with Selina Kyle, rooted for Batman, and felt myself side with John Blake during every moment I was free of with Bane or Batman.  Unfortunately it's not perfect, as there are a lot of moments without Batman.  It works in the film, but with expert editing one could make this a new movie titled "Gotham Rises" and just take out Batman entirely.  I don't want to see that happen, but there are so many characters our Caped Crusader lost some screen time.  

Still no movie is fantastic and this is a great send off for Christopher Nolan and Co.  We took the ride over three movies of his Batman to wash the taste of Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin out of our mouths.  No hokey puns, the exposition was well done, we get the required winks to the dedicated Bat-fans, and we get an ending that both satisfies and opens the imagination.

If you enjoyed the first two Batmans, or love Anne Hathaway and Tom Hardy, this movie is a fantastic ride you can't miss.  I will warn you that Batman and Bruce Wayne do have a smaller presence in this film and Anne Hathway essentially steals the show, so some of the bigger fans of the Batman trilogy may have to in with expectations lowered.  

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Open Letter to Bathroom Graffiti people

Dear people who scrawl on the wall of the bathroom,

     It’s obvious you hate anyone different from you.  Everyone has different ways to relax, but your method of relaxation tends to hurt others in their most intimate moments.  I would like to make a request, and I think it’s fairly reasonable.

Please leave the stalls alone.  We have the internet so you have no reason to etch your rage into the paint of the bathroom stall.  Little kids and adorably na├»ve people use that bathroom, and you’re ruining public pooping for them.

How much effort does it take to etch dirty words into the stall wall?  One would have to imagine it takes a considerable amount of effort to express that hate.  Wouldn’t it be much easier-and I imagine more satisfying-to simply scream obscenities at someone different form you in public?

If I may, I would like to make suggestions for alternate things to do when you wish to defile another bathroom wall.  I have the top choices in a handy to read list below.

1     1. Origami
2     2. Read a book
3     3. Sing “Happy Birthday” to the poop you are butt birthing.
4     4. Think about the rise of the common man against the bourgeoisie versus the proletariat.
5     5. Just eliminate waste

If you could be gracious enough to consider these activities before scratching into the stall wall, it would be greatly appreciated.  I believe I speak for everyone who uses public restrooms that we have enough to deal with between strung out junkies, spilled urine, and paper towels that don’t actually dry your hands.

So, in conclusion, please stop writing and scratching dirty words into our bathrooms.  Thank you for your time and patience, and have a wonderful day.

Respectfully yours,
-Blake T. Hunt

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Movieholic: The Amazing Spider-Man

I am a fan of Spider-Man.   I've seen every Spider-Man movie the day they released.  I collect Spider-Man comics.  I have a Spider-Man water bottle.  I have played almost every Spider-Man video game.  I dressed up as Spider-Man when I was 9 years old and seriously considering doing that again at the age of 28. I think it's safe to assume that I may be biased towards Spider-Man.

However it doesn't matter that I am biased, because The Amazing Spider-Man(ASM) is a great movie.  It's fresh, it hits all the important Spider-Man lore plot points, and it gives a visual feast that web swingers the world over should be pleased with.

Synopsis: Young Peter Parker is playing when his parents discover someone has broken into their home, specifically Richard Parker's study.  The Parker parents rush Peter off to his Uncle Ben and Aunt May (Martin Sheen and Sally Field) and then leave.  Cut to teenage Peter (Andrew Garfield) as he deals with bullies, young love, and life in New York.  After discovering his father's briefcase, Peter goes to the Oscorp building where his father used to work.  Enter Gwen Stacy (Emma Stone) as the head intern to Dr. Curt Conners (Rhys Ifans).  Now the players are on the board.

Peter gets bit by the infamous spider in the Oscorp building, and discovers he now has spider powers.  He also finds the courage to approach Dr. Conners about his work with animal DNA and helps the doctor find a way to regrow his lost limb, but with terrible consequences.  While falling for Gwen and fighting crime, Peter has to find a way to stop The Lizard and not lose his life in the process.

The director Marc Webb wanted a more intimate Spider-Man movie and that's what he delivered.  Garfield plays a more confident, funny, brilliant Peter Parker than I've seen in a long time.  He isn't constantly wallowing in darkness with guilt but he feels it hovering over him like a shadow.  Gwen matches Peter in verbal bouts of wit, but what fan of Emma Stone would expect less?   Ifans plays Conners headstrong and certain of his work to the point of personal risk, and Martin Sheen is a perfect Uncle Ben.

Everything about ASM is new but familiar.  Like a redesigned show that fits perfectly, ASM gives us the web swinging and losing loved ones that Spider-Man's world seems to require, but updated for a new generation of viewers and comic book fans.  I can't help but draw a comparison between ASM and the launch of Ultimate Comics Spider-Man, where we know the story, but now we see a different angle.

I did spot a few spots that seemed off.  Gwen's mannerisms felt more like Emma Stone the actress than Gwen Stacy the character.  That isn't to say I disliked it, but it felt like Stone didn't know where to take the character.  Hopefully she'll find her way in the sequel.  I was also skeptical about scenes where Peter is testing his new powers by skateboarding.  Maybe I'm just stubborn about arts of the source material, but hopping around on a skateboard seems like a commercial for an energy drink and less a way for a super hero to find his groove.

Luckily everything comes together for a clear reason and the writers and director don't toss a pointless scene at us.  Whether it's Peter fighting back against bullies, Gwen having a funny back and forth with her father, or Dr. Conners being ominous while shoving Peter away, everything fits together and ties up any loose ends.  Even if Spider-Man isn't your favorite comic book character, please so see The Amazing Spider-Man.  It has action, comedy, romance, a lizard monster, and a new Spider-Man you'll want to see return in the future.

P.S. The Stan Lee cameo is one of the best I've ever seen.  You can't miss him!
P.P.S. If you want a post credits scene, you won't have to wait very long.  You get your slice of teaser early in the credits.

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Ten Reasons to not trust Aliens

10. Aliens probe you.

9.  Aliens will never pay back that money they owe you.

8.  Aliens stay up late playing Call of Duty at full volume while you're trying to sleep.

7.  Aliens never offer to help move even though they can transport matter instantaneously.

6.  Aliens fucking probe you.

5.  Aliens always arrive late and make you miss the previews to movies.

4.  Aliens use their horrible appearance to scare little kids.

3.  Aliens leave a tiny bit of milk in the carton.  Not enough for cereal or coffee, just enough to make you mad.

2.  Aliens say rude things about you to your face, but in their alien language so you don't know until you translate it online later.


Close encounters of the jerk kind.

Everything posted here is for fun and not intended for malicious use.  Thanks to whatever site I got the picture from for not raising a fit.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

How to Beat the Heat

Well it's that time of year again.  The Spring is done and Summer is bearing down on us like a grizzly that smells your peanut butter sandwich.  It's hot outside, but here are some handy tips on keeping cool you might not have thought of yet.

-get naked
-sneak into the freezer at your local supermarket
-get a bad flu that gives you the chills
-develop Iceman like mutant powers
-join Cobra and create the weather control machine
-move to where penguins are from 
-sleep on bags of ice
-don't move ever
-piss off various nations with nuclear deterrents and usher in a nuclear winter
-destroy the sun

I hope these hot tips keep you nice and cool all summer?  And if they don't help you out, then feel free to go fuck yourselves.  I have an ice bag bed to go to.

Better than a box fan

Thursday, June 21, 2012

What I would do if I had a pet Crocodile

I have often drifted into a daydream about owning my very own crocodile.  But what would I do with such a horrible beast?  Believe me, I've thought long and hard about it.

1.  I would practice saying "He's a crocodile not an alligator."  I know people would make that mistake and I would have to practice emphasizing the "not".  Eventually I would most likely let people who said the "A word" to go ahead and pet my crocodile.  After I trained him to attack anything that comes near his head.

2.  I would figure out the best name.  "Fluffy" and "Shweetums" are too ironic, while "Samson" and "Rex" don't seem right.  Perhaps I would go Victorian style and name him something along the lines of "Fauntleroy" or "Bartholomew", something dignified to go with his gruff demeanor.  Did that crocodile from Peter Pan have a name?  Oh, I know!  I'll name him "Chomper".

3.  I would always feed him by hurling chunks of meat at his open mouth.  Once I could afford it I would buy some zebras and let them hang out next to his enclosure.  Because you can take the croc out of the wild, but not that zebra chomping rage out of the croc.  Also I fucking hate zebras, so it's a win win.

4.  I would walk him only in heavily populated parks.  When you own a high class crocodile named Chompers, you have to show him off.  And where better than a park full of small children, curious dogs, and tasty ducks?

I think these would be excellent decisions to make once I get my crocodile.  Now if the zoo would lift that ban on me I could walk right in and get him.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Review of Snow White and the Huntsman

Stars Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth, and Charlize Theron

It’s probably not a great sign when you spend half the movie making smart remarks with your friend and saying to yourself “Here’s how THAT should have happened.”

The story is as such: Snow White’s mother dies, her father marries Ravenna (Theron) who ruins the land as an evil queen.  Years later we see Snow White again (Stewart) in a cell, but not for long as she escapes into the dark forest.  There we meet the Hunstman (Hemsworth) who helps Snow White live long enough to lead a rebellion against the evil queen.

While Snow White and the Huntsman was fun to watch, it felt unnecessary.  I’m pretty sure we never needed a “mature” version of the story.  But that’s not the real problem.  The problem is that the movie is confused.

We’re given an intro that tells us what is happening in narration and on screen, so now we know where this world lies with the legend.  Snow White gets into the world and becomes a damsel in distress.  We then get a mini comedy when we meet the dwarves, then after another out of place feeling battle scene we see Snow White all of a sudden drop her damsel deal and pick up a sword.

I would be fine if Charlize Theron decided to not scream half of her dialogue.  I get she’s playing an evil witch, but if she could have stayed in that sultry quiet evil witch character and saved her outbursts for big moments, then it would have been great.

Speaking of great, keep an eye out for the troll part.  Man was that cool.

So to wrap up, it was a fun movie, but you can get twice the story and the same setting from any of the Lord of the Ring movies.  In fact, “Snow White and the Huntsman” felt like a watered down LotR movie.  If you feel like watching a sort of fresh take on an old story, feel free to rent this when it hits DVD.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Five animals that would be dangerous pets.

5.  Shark:  A shark is like a goldfish that won't let you flush it down the toilet.  Every time you go to feed it the shark will eyeball you through the glass as if to say "I'm going to get out and eat you-it's only a matter of time."  How would you focus on your book?

4.  Badger: Despite how fun the word "badger" is to say and how cool they look in cartoons, I'm pretty sure any cage you make for a real life badger will be destroyed well before you wake up in the morning.  And where did little Fluffy go?  Anywhere in the house.

3.  Bear:  Hey, I get it.  You watched Yogi Bear, Winnie the Pooh, and Baloo and now think a bear is a great choice.  And it is.  A bear is an awesome choice when you want to get mauled for eating a sandwich.  While it would be fun to watch TV sitting on the bear like a couch, what happens when it stops hibernating?  I'll answer that for you: death via bear rage.

2.  Rhino: I'm pretty sure once rhinos start moving they never stop.  Which means you'll get that new hallway where the stove and table used to be.

1.  Human:  Humans are the worst.  They poop all the time, they force their stupid opinions on you, and when you start to like them, they die in horrible accidents involving bears and rhinos.  Humans are the worst.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Movieholic: Prometheus review

So I saw Prometheus tonight, and I will try to keep it short and spoiler free- but no promises.

I watched the credits roll a little under an hour ago, and I'm still piecing together bits of the puzzle left.  Don't be confused, that is a very good thing.  If I pay ten bucks for a movie ticket I expect to be leaving with the movie still swirling around my head.

First off, it's visually amazing, but who wouldn't expect Ridley Scott to not make a feast for your eyes?  The alien planet and the ship contrast each other well, and even though we start on Earth-Scotland, specifically- we're quickly sent into space to the expedition's target.  A planet thought to be the source of distinct cave paintings conjured in Earth civilizations centuries apart.

So Elizabeth Shaw (Noomi Rapace) and Charlie Holloway (Logan Marshall-Green) lead a team of biologists, ship crew, and geologists to this distant planet to find our creators.  As they touch down they inspect a series of caves that feel like the rib cage of a snake and discover something they never expected.

While this is a prequel to Alien, it doesn't remind you of that fact every two minutes.  In fact, Prometheus does a great job of being its own movie.  It does mirror themes and characters, such as the android, the strong female lead, and, at times, faulty lighting, but it never feels like Ridley Scott is saying "Hey, it's just like Alien, right?"

Having watched Alien fairly recently I tried to suppress the urge to find precursors to the slimy monster we all know and fear, but anything else that popped up felt natural.  But this movie does stand on it's own merits, and even feels like a different movie from the alien universe for most of the film.  Part mystery, part horror, all science fiction.

Watching Prometheus and it's dwindling crew (not a spoiler: people die) would have more thrilling if we had gotten a little more time with all the characters.  We got plenty of Shaw, Holloway, David (Micheal Fassbender) and Meredith Vickers (Charlize Theron) and I was happy for that.  But it would have been nice to get a little more back story on the crew aside from the fifteen minute exposition scene explaining why they flew into space.

Since I refuse to use a numbered rating system I'll say this: If you enjoy science fiction, Ridley Scott, or any of the Alien movies (particularly the first one) then check out Prometheus.  If you hate slimy things, tense scenes, or prequels, then go see something else.

Oh, and anything post credits comes shortly after the movie ends, so don't fret about staying until the very end of the scrolling names.  You'll know it when you see it.

Monday, June 4, 2012

Top 5 Reasons to Eat Cookies

So we all know why cookies are the shit, but let me do a service to the world.  But there are still people who don’t eat cookies.  So for you asshole anti-cookieites, here are the top reasons that you should eat cookies.

5.  You already lost the leg to diabetes, why stop now?

4.  With chocolate chips included, it’s like a meal.

3.  Each sleeve for Chips Ahoy is like a serving in itself.

2.  If you stop eating cookies the Cookie Monster will eat you.

1.  Because carrots are for pussies.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Have your webbing cake and Batarang it too

I am excited for both "The Amazing Spider-Man" AND "The Dark Knight Rises".  Never mind that pronouncing both titles in one sentence requires a masters degree (lies, I only have a Bachelors), but I can't wait to see the Spider-Man reboot and  The Dark Knight Rises.

I mention this because I've noticed a trend both in the online community and my friends.  When the first ASM trailer showed people actually booed it in theaters.  But recently I notice more talk of wanting to see The Amazing Spider-Man and less wanting to see The Dark Knight Rises.

My theory is that people just don't want to see the ride end for Christopher Nolan.  We had an amazing and well done reboot in one film, an incredible portrayal of both the Joker and Two-Face in the second film, and now we're going to be given the possible film debut of Batman being broken by the only villain capable of the deed.  It's like getting to the end of a good book and wishing more pages would magically appear.

I still think TDKR will sell like crazy, but not as much as TDK due to the lack of Heath Ledger.  I spend many an hour wondering if The Dark Knight Rises would have a Bane and Joker face off, but I must accept there's no more film Joker in any project Christopher Nolan is involved with.  Still, Bane is a great villain, Tom Hardy is an amazing actor, and the entire team is top notch.  So it's possible that the acting and drama have been kicked up a notch to make up for the lack of "Bwa hahahaha" and "Let's put a smile on that FACE" from the man who made a million Halloween costumes the October after The Dark Knight hit theaters.

I will reiterate, I am looking forward to both films and regret being out of the country for the premier of TDKR (I'm not paying to watch a movie in France with goddamn subtitles) but I can't wait for the beginning of Marc Webb's vision and the end of Christopher Nolan's vision.  Oh shit!  There's a theme there!  Engage!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Spoiler Alert: Code Reddish-Orange

I recently saw a comment for a trailer that claims the trailer gave away too much of the story.  To that person I ask what did you expect from a trailer? 

Now I will go on the record as saying spoilers are the worst plague on humanity.  It sucks when someone tells you the big twist or the end of a movie.  Spoilers take you out of the story and destroy any tension you would have felt with the main character.  It's hard to maintain that feeling when you know that the hero is going to survive the terrorist attack and marry the damsel in distress.

Spider-Man vs Koopa Troopa Prime

Another reason to abolish spoilers is to let the movie goer unleash their imaginations.  When I saw the first trailer for "The Amazing Spider-Man" I couldn't help but consider how other villains beyond the lizard might make an appearance.  We might finally get to see Mysterio, or Electro!  Could there be a new Doc Ock?  And seeing the bit of story in the trailer allowed me to rest easy that the Lizard is going to be a great villain and I don't have to worry about him until opening night.

Also the limitations on spoilers needs to be defined.  Can you spoil a movie after five years?  Ten?  More?  Is it a spoiler to say that King Kong dies at the end?  Doesn't everyone know that Bruce Willis is dead in Sixth Sense?  I feel it's safe to say that when something is spoofed a thousand times over you can call it on that.  There were actually people who were outraged when they had "Titanic" spoiled for them when others mentioned how the boat sinks.  It's not a spoiler if it actually happened in real life.  Retards.
Spoiler: They get Kong off the island.

Well, that's all I wanted to say for now, I'll hop off my soapbox and watch some movie trailers.