Monday, September 24, 2012

There is no Tooth Fairy

There is no Tooth Fairy.

There is no Tooth Fairy.  There is no tiny pixie hovering over your bed taking your discarded and unwashed teeth.  There is no tiny mythical being who places money where your tooth once was.  There is no magical being who gets inside your room, under your pillow TWICE only to escape with your loosed molar, eye tooth, or incisor.

There is no district warehouse for various Tooth Faries to deposit their nightly haul of teeth.  There is no foreman who checks the teeth, discards the bad teeth and allows the good teeth to go on the Tooth Fairy truck.

There is no foul home where a team of Tooth Fairy scientists and dark wizards take all of the good teeth taken by the hordes of Tooth Faries.  There is no evil plan to merge science with dark magics to create something called "The Final Solution" in the tooth fairy community.  There is no final solution in the tooth world where a terrifying Tooth Golem is constructed.

There is no Tooth Golem that would roam the planet, devouring people and destroying homes.  There is no plan where the President of the United States will have to press a blinking red button to nuke the Tooth Golem.  And there is absolutely no chance that the Tooth Golem will survive and continue to wreak havoc on  a world ripped apart by nuclear fallout.

So don't bother looking for the non existent tooth fairy that is playing a small but vital part in what will eventually become the downfall of man kind under the rule of the Tooth King.

Now rememeber, there is no Tooth Fairy.

Can you smeeeeeeeell the tooth conspiracy?

Thursday, September 20, 2012

The REAL 50 Shades of Grey

1. Grey
2. Light grey
3. Dark Grey
4. Charcoal Grey
5. Night Grey
6. Very dark grey
7. Really light grey
8. Cloud grey
9. Mixed paint grey
10. Jean Grey
11. Sasha Grey
12. Old crayon grey
13. Light black
14. Dirty white
15. Batman grey
16. Smoke grey
17. Koala grey
18. Near death in video games grey
19. Old photograph grey
20. Rain grey
21. Three Stooges grey
22. Steel grey
23. Old man hair grey
24. Gross poorly cooked chicken grey
25. Dust grey
26. Flask grey
27. Macy grey
28. Ash grey
29. Earl grey
30. Ghost grey
31. Nook grey
32. Right grey
33. Wrong grey
34. Sort of grey
35. Metal grey
36. Robot grey
37. Instagram grey
38. Not really grey
39. Gay grey
40. Hun grey
41. An grey
42. Chang grey
43. Mon grey
44. Between good and evil grey
45. Golf club grey
46. Bank interior grey
47. Lamp grey
48. The Offspring t-shirt grey
49. Not even grey
50. Getting spanked by some rich guy named grey

Monday, September 17, 2012

An Open Letter to Men with Shy Bladders

Dear guys with shy bladders,

I would like to call you out on this so called "condition".

What fears could you possibly have being near someone while you pee?  There should never be a reason to fear peeing near others.  The pitfalls of shy bladder are two fold.

First, if you don't go whenever you need to, then your body builds up kidney stones.  These are incredibly painful, cost you thousands of dollars in hospital bills, and then you have to force the stones out your urethra while several people watch you.  See how your shy bladder has betrayed you?

Second, if you have to tell people not to watch you when you pee then you're sacrificing your role in the pack that is your group of peers.  If lower ranking members of the pack sense any form of weakness they will pounce.  But since we're a civilized culture, instead of tearing you apart with their teeth they will instead make fun of you and your "condition".

Now to make a side note to men with bladders so fearful they must take up residence in a bathroom stall merely to urinate.  Stop being a coward.  The stall is for those of us who ate a large meal and need to pass it quickly.  You wouldn't want us squatting over the urinals, we don't want you splashing the seat.

So please, if you have a shy bladder, get over yourself and gain some confidence.

Thank you, and happy trails,
-Blake Hunt

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Interview with a Bear

I imagine an interview with a live bear would be daunting, but within the realm of achievable.

First off we would have to go with a black bear.  Grizzly and polar bears are too volatile for the studio audience.  Why the studio audience?  Because if we're going to ask a bear questions, we have to do it right.

We'll ignore the obvious questions like "Do you really eat honey?" and "So where is Boo Boo?"  It would be like if you asked a black person where their fried chicken is.  It's rude, undignified, and an eensy bit racist.

But what questions could we ask the bear?  Well for that we would want questions people may be genuinely curious about.  Examples include if they really can run as fast as a horse or if they ever eat too much salmon.

I imagine the bear would have many stories about catching salmon in the river or shitting in the woods; we would humor the bear because the bear is a guest and one should always be polite to the guest.  We would wade through the fish and shit stories to get to the real hearty stuff.

Hearty stuff like surviving forest fires, eating a camper who wandered too close to the bear's cubs, or the best way to scratch one's back against a tree.  These would be the hard hitting questions that would make Charlie Rose proud if he wasn't scared of bears.

I imagine the bear would speak out against fictional representations of bears like Yogi and Pooh, who make bears look fat and lazy.  But the bear would applaud mankind on Smokey while remaining silent about the Charmin bears.  You know, the bears that get bits of toilet paper stuck to their butts?

They would not mention the Charmin bears and we would not, pardon the pun poke the bear.  Maybe an audience member would shout out the question and the bear would eat them.  I would allow, for it is what bears do.

I imagine the interview would start off shaky, but then things would go smoothly.

Then the bear would slaughter the host as the credits roll.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Hobo Itinerary

8:00-8:15    Screaming night terrors outside public school
8:30-9:47    Sit on a bench with all possessions with single cup of coffee
9:50-10:00  Check bindle for cap of soup, fingerless gloves, and stabbin knife
10:00-12:00 Panhandle at train station
12:00-12:05 Hop on boxcar for free
12:10-3:00   Survive what is referred to as Hobo Fight Club
3:00-3:05     Get thrown out of boxcar by observational cop
3:05-3:15     Recover self and bindle
3:15-5:00     Sleep under a tree by the river
5:00-5:20     Get mistaken for a dead body, wake up to terrified children 
5:20-7:50     Make way into town, get enough change for a meal
7:50-8:30     Buy booze
8:30-8:40     Drink booze
8:40-???       Make alot of noise and commotion then pass out

Friday, September 7, 2012

Times you probably should not drink

Life is rough.  You go through the motions and the only medicine to ease the pain of existence is alcohol!  But beer, wine, and liquor are not always the right answer.  There are dozens, literally DOZENS of scenarios where drinking is inappropriate.  Following are a samples of those dozens.

Taxes:  Taxes are stressful, so it's only natural to have a few drinks to clam your nerves.  Never mind that any mistakes made on these forms will determine how much money you're given or due to pay.  And never mind the fact that people tend to make more mistakes when they drink.  I just worry about that hangover coming on the same day when taxes are actually due.

Organizing your house:  So you have to clean out the closet, organize your desk, and rearrange the living room?  Sure a glass or two of wine will help you get motivated, but if you indulge too much then you wind up laying across your desk that is now in the living room, watching tv upside down and wearing three coats you found in your closet.

Writing thank you letters: Now no one likes doing these, but they are vital  Think about how the room spins when you get too drunk, do you want to try and hand write anything?  Never mind the letters, try writing your own name.  You can't?  And that's why you don't write thank you letters drunk

Meeting new people: What better way to meet new people than when hammered?  You can't quite pronounce any words, you're louder than you should be, and you keep hitting on that girl who was clearly introduced as the host's girlfriend.  Seriously, drink some water, rummy.

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Five people I would punch in the face.

Now I don't harbor ill will towards all the people on this list, this is merely a list of people I would punch in the face given the chance.

Whoever thought "Battleship" needed to be a movie- Seriously?  You felt that a movie based on the board game Battleship needed to be a movie?  With starving children across the globe you had to pour money into a shitty sci fi naval combat movie that doesn't even say "You sunk my battleship"?  Fuck you guy, I'm coming for you.
Type of Punch: Jab in the nose.  Just knock some blood out and some sense into the idiot.

Michael Vick- I don't usually care what athletes, celebrities, singers, or any other famous people do in their spare time.  But if you're involved in something that actively harms dogs then you're a terrible human being and you don't deserve happiness.
Type of Punch: I'd probably box his ears, or fake out then a solid kick to the balls.

The founder of Texas- Just... I don't know, fuck Texas man, just...yeah, fuck that place.
Type of Punch: I can't guarantee I would ever stop, but I guess an uppercut to start.

Teddy Roosevelt- Now this is interesting because I'm a huge fan of Teddy Roosevelt.  He's a real romantic, he made himself not sick, he inspired teddy bears.  So why punch him in the face?  Because I want the honor of getting my ass kicked by Teddy fuckin' Roosevelt!
Type of Punch: I'm thinking a proper left cross, enough to get his attention but not cause any serious damage.

Me as a five year old- I was a dick as a kid, I could have used a good punch from my adult self.
Type of Punch- Right hook.  Maybe low to the ribs, I'm already not that good looking, why make things worse?