Thursday, April 26, 2012

Why Super Powers Are Bad


Oh yeah flying is awesome until you lose concentration and fall to the ground at top speed becoming people pulp upon impact.  You know what else is in the air flying with you?  Planes.  And what do planes have?  Engines.  And what do engines do to everything?  Grind everything into bloody goo.  Also now the plane is going down and now everyone can land a plane with one good engine due to flying jackass.  Way to go buddy, you’re as bad as a terrorist.  Plus people hate birds, and now you’re like a bird.  We hate you now.

Super Healing 

Think Wolverine but without the claws.  How great would it be to never suffer a permanent injury?  It’s so awesome that we should celebrate by calling out sick and going to the beach.  Oh, wait, you can’t call out sick because the boss knows you never get sick.  Now you have to lie and say your grandma’s dead.  But the joke is still on you because she visits your job the same goddamn day!  Hooray, you’re impossible to kill AND fired.  Plus grandma is mad at you for saying she died.  Goodbye birthday money, you dick.

Spider-Man Powers

These are fine.  No issues with spidey powers, go nuts.  It’s the one right answer.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Super Important answers to Less Important questions

Now it’s time for some questions I asked my super smart elephant who appears when I drink enough beer shots with paint thinner chasers.  His name is Harold and he's the smartest hallucination based friend I have.

Why didn’t Wile. E. Coyote try buying from someone besides Acme?
Because they were in a dictator economy.

Does Batman’s cape ever get tangled up?
Only when he’s off panel.

When Spider-Man has organic webbing where does his body store the excess?
It’s his blood.

Why don’t we go to the moon anymore?
Because the moon sucks, Jupiter is where it’s at.

Who would in a fight; Thor or Satan?
The real winner is the viewer of that pay per view match.

If reincarnation is true are there cows walking around like people?
Yes, but cows hate themselves which is why we have cow tippers.

What is the best combination of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?
Grape Butter and Peanut Jelly.

Is there anything that everyone agrees on?
People agree that other people falling down is always funny.

Is the Lord of the Ring series good PR or bad PR for wizards?
Mostly bad since Sarumon was a dick and Gandalf became a series of internet memes.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Rules for Armageddon

Hi there, and welcome to Armageddon.  To ensure you don’t suffer too much culture shock, this handy guide has been drafted by our smartest survivors to gently walk you through the most important aspects of post apocalypse life.

First off, take a deep breath.  Feel that heat in your lungs?  This is your air now.  A hint of ash with the ever present burning that a few people have brought upon the entire human race.  There is no air conditioning and you’ll never escape this shit air.  So breathe shallow; you’ll have to get used to it.

Next, when in the town hall meetings, remember the simple mnemonic “No skull?  No mouth” which refers to when someone speaks they must be holding the human skull.  If you speak when you are not holding the Talking Skull you will be branded as a Dust Zombie and slaughtered within seconds.

If you were hoping for a glass of water then you’re in luck!  If you replace “water” with “anything bottled that isn’t water” because that’s all that’s left.  Enjoy your Gatorade yellow piss.

When acclimating to our new society, please take note of what jobs need to be filled.  While we could always use more doctors and carpenters, if you were a lawyer, writer, retail worker, or anything else that won’t help the community survive the Allibadgers (alligator and badger combined) running rampant in this horrible new world then please lie and learn a new trade immediately.

Thank you for joining our destroyed society and please feel free to ask any questions.  There is no stupid question, just questions a robot wearing human skin would ask to infiltrate our already weak infrastructure.  

Thursday, April 5, 2012

An Open Letter to Dog Walkers

Dear Dog Walkers,

     While I commend you getting your pet the exercise it needs, please try to walk your dog correctly.  If you are unsure what I mean by the term “walk your dog correctly”, then please continue reading.  If you aren’t confused, read more anyway.

     When you walk your dog, you are supposed to pay attention to the dog, the dog is your top priority.  Even if you’re a single guy trying to find a lady or a single lady trying to find a guy, you should be focused on your dog.  And nothing gives you an excuse to dress the dog like a tiny gay person.  They come with fur, they don’t need a sweater that says “Back That Thang Up”.

     But for the main point of the letter, humans have evolved to the point that we get rid of our waste in a discrete fashion, but dogs still just go whenever they can.  Which means they are dropping poop where other people walk.  Since dogs don’t have the facilities that people do, (i.e. thumbs) they will need you to pick that poop up for them.  Now when I say pick up, I mean scoop it with a bag or shovel and deposit the poop in the proper place that is not where my feet land while I walk.  If you don’t have access to bags or shovels, then you better get your hands good and poopy.

     So in summation, you dog walkers should realize how lucky you are to own a dog to walk, and not spend precious exercise time texting, flirting, or trying to get your dog to simply poop and pee as quick as possible.  Enjoy your time together in the outdoors, because one day, you’ll be sad that your trusty companion has died from eating chocolate that you left out.  Just saying.

Keep it classy,

Blake T. Hunt