Friday, August 26, 2011

The owner of a jam store gives a pep talk and bad news to the staff.

Ok people, listen up.  Here is the game plan.

It’s going to be a tough Christmas season here at “Jams n Things!”  As you may have heard the latest shipment of  jam hit a patch of black ice and careened off of a bridge.  The jams were incinerated as they were being shipped along with gasoline and matches that can be lit on any surface.

So what does that mean for our store?  It means we’ll have to work extra hard to sell what we have left.  That’s right, we have to push the ”Things” part of our store name.  That includes jars, cards, spoons, gift cards, and action figures of our mascot, Bernard the Jam Man.  I know most people only come in for the jam, but I think we can help them make smart purchases that have nothing to do with jam directly.

Your shift supervisor Katie has drafted a script that I want all of you to memorize.  This is a last resort to if they say no to the jars pr spoons.  I won't read it aloud, but I would like to point out that it does NOT include the phrase “Please don’t leave”.  That comes off as begging, and we want-no, we need to give the impression that we are confident in the remaining wares we have.

As for the secondary shipment, that did arrive safely, which means we have an immense overstock of Bernard the Jam Man action figures, including the Christmas Jam Blaster model.  Now I know you need jam to make the Jam Blaster work, but we can certainly promote the toy anyway.  And before you ask, no, it only works with jam.  Jelly, peanut butter, liquids, or any other food stuff will not work, and will actually BREAK the Jam Blaster.

So in conclusion, we are going to be facing some hard times, but I believe in this store, and I believe in the staff even more.  So let’s get out there folks, and sell some jam themed products!
Also, Jenny?  Sorry, but you’re fired.  If anyone else needs me I’ll be in my office crying.

Monday, August 22, 2011


Here are some FAQs I would like to answer now.

Q: Why is the sky blue?
A:  The sky isn't blue, the sky is actually whatever color your eyes are.  Back when people were deciding the color of the sky, there were a majority of blue eyed people, so people would say "Oh look at the blue sky!" while those with green, brown, and red Albino eyes never saw the sky as blue.  But saying anything that goes against the majority was enough to get you murdered, so everyone just agreed like "Oh, yeah, it's like, totally blue..."  Today those people with different colored eyes just go along as a tradition because they don't know any better.
Nothing but poop sky for you.

Q:  Did we really evolve from monkeys?
A:  No, we evolved from apes, dumbass.

Q:  Is it true that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down?
A:  If by "sugar" you mean "alcohol" and by "medicine" you mean "more alcohol" then yes.  Beer plus beer equals you going down, face first, into the stars you're trying to climb.  Also drink your "medicine" responsibly.

Friday, August 19, 2011

An open letter to birds.

Dear birds,

      I am writing to formerly request that you please stop pooping on my car.  While I appreciate you not pooping on me, I do not appreciate that you choose to relieve yourself on my car’s hood, roof, window, or trunk.  Furthermore, I resent the fact that you defecate on my car only minutes after I finish washing it.

     I will say that I am not completely innocent in this scenario.  I have been found guilty of saying expressions like “that’s for the birds” or “the bird is the word” too frequently in my daily routine.  I am also guilty of calling pigeons “rats with wings” which I recently learned is offensive to all ornithological types, and not just to pigeons.  Again for this I apologize.

     There are things I am appreciative of that you do, like eating the bugs that constantly annoy me on hot summer days.  You also lay eggs and make baby birds, and anything as a baby is adorable.  You also provide feathers for Native Americans to decorate their headdresses with and make them festive, and I do enjoy festive events and people.

     However, it is still unacceptable and frankly rude for you to relieve yourselves on my personal belongings.  I do my part by slowing down when there are vultures picking at road kill.  I never throw things at birds in parks, but I gently shoo them away, giving them ample room to maneuver about and away from my position.  I even make sure to help out birds stuck indoors that don’t understand the concept of glass windows and keep them from slamming into the glass.

     In conclusion, I feel a truce can be made between us.  I will purchase statues for my yard that you may poop on and perch upon at your leisure, and you will cease using my car as your personal toilet.  I feel these are agreeable terms and that both parties will be satisfied with the results.
     I hope you have a wonderful day, and may your future be blessed with plentiful bread crumbs.

Your hopeful ally,
Blake T. Hunt

Friday, August 12, 2011

Review of "Horrible Bosses"

     So I went to go see “Horrible Bosses”, that comedy starring Jason Bateman, Charlie Day, and Jason Sudeikis, and it seemed like it was going to be a fun ride. 

     The premise is as follows: Nick (Bateman), Dale (Day), and Kurt (Sudeikis) all suffer at the hands of their respective bosses.  During a night out at their favorite bar they decide to kill their bosses and end their misery.  Enter Motherfucker Jones (Jamie Foxx), a certified badass who instructs them how to do the deed.  The hilarity ensues.

     At least, I assume hilarity ensues.  Right after the trio paid Motherfucker Jones, some guy two rows in front of me starting talking on his cell phone.  His cell phone in a movie theater!  Against my friend’s say, I politely asked the man to hang up his phone.  He waved me off.  So I asked him again, and this time he turned around and gave me the finger.  So I threw my box of candy at his head.

Colin Farrel as a bad boss.
     When the protagonists begin staking out the first boss’s house, I’m throwing the cell phone guy into one of the hand rails on the theater stairs.  It didn’t daze him, because as I went for the rib kick, he caught me by the ankle and knocked me down, dragging me out into the lobby.

     After five minutes of just dirty, down and out brawling, mall security shows up and he gets a cheap shot to my nuts.  I black out and come to smacking him in the face with a fired taser gun, and I suddenly felt an electric current surging through me and noticed prongs sticking out of my skin.  When I stopped being numb the cops-real cops not mall security- dragged me off and I slept on a cot next to a guy who called himself “Razer”.

     While my buddy bailed me out he told me the movie was funny overall, and balanced the story well, but sort of wraps everything up a little fast.  He gave it a four out of five stars, and I’m banned from the theater for life.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Bathrooms on Camera

Bathrooms are a sacred place that mean something different to each specific person that resides inside of them.  However, there are occasions when a bathroom is on film, and on occasion that filming is warranted.  While most would not want bathrooms on film, these chunks of movie magic remind us why bathrooms and toilets are so great.    This is Bathrooms on Camera!

Film: The Boondock Saints
Scene:  When Norman Reedus jumps off the roof and knocks out the Russian with a toilet.

Sometimes a toilet is more the star than the full bathroom, and today’s famous toilet is the porcelain bowl in the film “The Boondock Saints”.  Hailed as a cult classic, Boondock Saints made it cool to be Irish.  Also they murder a shitload of guys.  Like a crazy number.

But the Super MacManus Bros would not be shooting holes in every breathing sinner in Boston without the strategic placement of the toilet in the brothers’ humble apartment. 

(I would like remind all viewers that I do not own this video, I am simply replaying it from YouTube am claim no rights, I only mean to educate the reader.)

Now that you've watched the  video, notice the way he never could have saved his brother without the power of their toilet.  Like Thor’s hammer, any toilet becomes a powerful weapon to wield in battles great and small.  This is the only scene where a toilet is used extensively, but that’s only because you can’t abuse the power of the toilet, or the toilet will strike back and punish those who are not ready for the power that is the toilet.  And that is why bathrooms should be regarded as holy places, and don’t chain an Irishman to a toilet or you will get beat down.  To the ground.

If they had not utilized the power of the toilet, both brothers, or at least Murphy, would be dead, thus making the film short and really boring, not the awesome Irish-American shooting fest it is now.  They don’t use any toilets later in the movie, but that’s good because you never want to rely on a toilet too often, whether you’re fighting with it or pooping.   Remember, toilet dependency is no laughing matter. 

Monday, August 1, 2011

Conspiracy: PETA are human slaves from the future.

Consider this: Some animals are almost extinct because they will conquer us in the future if we don’t keep them in check now.

Here’s the truth: PETA are human “pets” from the future sent to our time to keep us from eating and hunting our future animal overlords.  They are placed within society to prevent our iron grip on the tasty and easily shot animals. 

The face of evil, as our children will know.

FACT:  Every day five people fall prey to the wiles of dogs while dogs plot how to open doors and smother us in our sleep.

I get it, it’s sad we’re almost out of tigers, elephants, rhinos, etc, but consider our lives in the early days.  A man was more likely to be eaten by a lion than he was to hurt himself in the home, and the percentage that one would hurt themselves in the home was 95%.  That means the percentage of death was 96% or higher!  We can’t bring back that statistic with our fatter, slower, dumber current humans.

In the future the leaders of the human resistance are those who ran zoos, since they knew how to keep these beasts in check.  If we don’t stop PETA now, they’ll institute a plan that makes people a part of the Food Pyramid/Food Plate.    

You want to worry about zombies? Bears will eat us before we turn into the undead.  You fear the robot uprising?  Penguins can destroy people with more speed and less dignity.

FACT:  Gorillas are practicing filling out credit card forms so they can purchase guns to murder people with.

 So which of the animals will become the driving force behind wiping out the human race?  If you’re reading this standing up, then sit the fuck down, because our future enemies will be led by turkeys. 


Yes, the most stupid and delicious of the land animals, the turkey, will lead the enemy forces.  One would think raccoons would lead, but they merely are the ninjas of the animal kingdom.  The turkeys will throw off the stereotype of being stupid and enact their revenge for the human race murdering their kind in the millions every year for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the traditional Turkey Waste Day (Sept 13 is just around the corner).

I send this news out not to instill fear, but inform the masses.  We must make a move against turkeys, sharks, bears, cats, and most insects.  Before it is too late.  Revolution.

FACT:  One out of one sharks are actually pro human, but we were too stupid to realize it.