Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Why phone is better than a child.

It's no secret that I don't really like kids.  It's also no secret that I'm not a huge fan of technology most of the time.  But it needs to be said that I like one particular piece of technology, my phone, more than any child.  Here are the top 5 reasons why that is.

5. My phone doesn't poop.

4.  When I ask my phone a question it answers right away.

3.  I can tell when my phone is tired and put it down for a nap without issue.

2.  It's not weird to keep my phone in my pocket.

1.  If my phone goes missing, I just get a new one.

Friday, October 19, 2012

Top ten Man Made objects monkeys love.

10. Jungle Gyms:  It'slike the jungle, but without all those snakes and hunters and tigers.  it's the swinging without the danger, and monkeys hate danger.  Or so I assume, I don't actually know anything about monkeys.
Monkeys fucking LOVE this.

9. Drums: Monkeys love noise, and there isn't much less like music and more like noise than drum sets.  Monkeys just thrash and explosions happen!

8. Crayons: You ever watch a monkey color?  They lose themselves, like in that "Rise of the Planet of the Apes" movie, Ceaser colored like an artist until he went nuts and enslaved humanity.

7. Fake boobs: Monkeys love normal boobs so why wouldn't they be big fans (pun intended) of always perfect never saggy boobs?  It's a fact. (probably not fact)

The best of friends.
6. Clint Eastwood: Mostly just Clyde was into Clint during "Every Which Way but Loose" and even then I think orangutans are apes, not monkeys.  The arguments stands though.

5. Buttons:  Not like on clothes, buttons that when pressed crazy shit happens.  Hitting a button makes a banana happen?  Fuck yes!  But in monkey talk, so mostly grunts and shrieks.

4. Lab equipment:  Why is this on the list.  Only because most lab equipment is fragile AND expensive, which makes for a monkey's attention full force.

He's BANANAS for style.
3. iPads: Monkeys love to break things and iPads are fun to break.  Take THAT biting satire Apple!

2. Suits: There is a reason they call it a 'monkey suit'.  I don't actually know what that reason is, but I'm pretty sure it has something to do with how great monkeys look while wearing suits.  If you toss in a hat and suitcase, well then hell yeah!

1. Masturbation: Man created the idea of tugging at your crank, but monkeys perfected it.  Especially when elementary school groups walk by with the teacher trying to hide the sight of the lonley monkey making himself a little less lonely.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Two Ducks Discussing Politics

As two mallards drift across a pond in a popular park, they strike up a conversation.

Duck 1:  I don't know, I just can't support the government anymore.

Duck 2: How do you mean?

D1: I mean that it's flawed and we should go back to a survival of the fittest.

D2: Umm, we're already doing that survival thing, we're ducks in nature.

D1: Right, but I mean a REAL survival.  No more handouts, especially for immigrants.

D2: What immigrants?  We live in a pond near a playground.  And by "handouts" do you mean that bread they bring?  Fuck you I'll take your bread then.

D1: And that's whats wrong with the system!  You shouldn't get special treatment just because you have more ducklings than me!  I earn everything I get.

D2: You can't claim that bread dropped by that two year old as "earning".  That's the same kid who crapped his pants because he stood up too fast.

D1: Whatever.  You certainly can't argue that we need a total overhaul.

D2: But you hate change.  The last time they cut the grass different you lost your mind.

D1: This isn't about me!  This is about our rights as citizens!

D2: Do we get rights?  We're domesticated water fowl, I think we're lucky to be smart enough to avoid being where hunters go.

D1: Whatever, I can't talk to you like this.

D2: Fine dude, but that rich family is back, I'm getting me some of that sweet honey bread!

D1: Ohh, the honey bread people are back.  Move aside Commie!

D2: Capitalist jerk.

It's a smart duck because he's dressed nice.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

A Series of Letters to myself in the future and past after traveling through time

Dear Blake at 6:40 PM March 23rd 2011
            You did it!  I am writing this seconds after traveling forward in time approximately three months.  I’m in the same room as when I left, the main difference is that there are different books on the shelf and I’m pretty sure if I check the fridge the milk will have been bad for awhile.  How exciting!  Next I may try traveling backwards in time.

Best Wishes!
-Blake at 6:40 PM June 23rd 2011

Dear Blake at 6:41 PM March 23rd 2011
            This is Blake in the 1970s!  I can’t be more specific since I never planned for exact years, but there are bell bottoms everywhere and everything feels laid back yet on the verge of riot at the same time.  I guess the room wasn’t here back then as I’m in a field with the device.  There is a group of people walking over to me, they look a little displeased.  I’ll simply explain what has happened and ask to speak with President Nixon, he’ll tide things over.

See you in 40 years!
Blake at 6:40 PM March 23rd sometime in the 1970s

Dear Blake at 6:42 PM March 23rd 2011
            It’s the Blake from three months into the future.  I don’t know what you did in the span between your time and mine, but all of these books are in French and there’s a basement full of shaved cats that were definitely not there 3 months ago.  Did you go mad with the idea of time travel and dig out a basement only to fill it with cats to be shaved?  Also tell Blake from the 1970s to NOT talk to Jack Nicholson about his movie roles, things will go poorly.

Best of luck sir.
Blake at 7:13 PM June 23rd 2011

Dear Blake at 6:43 PM June 23rd 2011
            It’s the Blake form the 70’s and things just got fucked up.  I ran into Jack Nicholson and told him “Chinatown” is crap and he freaked and dropped the project.  Now Mark Hamill is starring and I worry that may upset the time stream. 

Stay Strong
Blake from the 70’s

Dear Blake at 6:44 PM March 23rd 2011
            It’s Blake from three months into the future, and the movie you’re waiting to go see is terrible.  It’s nothing but explosions, no story, the cast is a joke, and the production values are so sad that it makes my camera phone legitimate competition.  Again, do not go to see Avatar 2: Pandora Rising.  It’s no good.

Love yourself!
Blake from June 23rd 2011

Dear Future and Past Blakes
            This is Blake from 6:40 PM March 23rd 2011.  STOP SENDING LETTERS.  I’m already bored with the time machine and decided to add a basement to my house so knock it off.  I don’t care if the time stream is broken or what will happen in three months.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go to Home Decorum and get some tools for my anti capitalist basement for the Czar.  Oh how he hates cats.

All Hail Glorious Leader Charles Sheen,
Comrade Blake