Friday, November 30, 2012

Less Obvious Uses for Time Travel

We all know that if time travel were an option there would be the obvious choices of first tasks.  Go back and kill Hitler. Witness the signing of the Declaration of Independence.  Redo on that horrible prom incident.  You know the one.

However once all that super awesome stuff is finished, what else could one do with time travel?  Here is a short list of great ideas you may not have thought of.

-While at a restaurant rewind time as the check comes.  You're now full and the meal was free.
-Make your puppy stay a puppy forever.  No more heart breaking dog death or awful "teen years" for Rex.
-Do like Bill Murray and "Ground Hog Day" over and over until you get the perfect day.
-Do the Ground Hog thing with sex and bang that chick a million times.
-Brag to cavemen about having sex a million times.
-Wreck your own home, then cleanup within seconds.  Technically negative time since it never happened.  Why is my nose bleeding all of a sudden?
-Get drunk as hell off of one beer with constant rewinding.
-Post to your blog on time for once in your damn life.

So there you go folks, there are some possibly not previously considered options for time travel before the government breaks own your door for the device.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

What I've been doing instead of posting to the blog.

I realize I have not updated the blog in quite some time.  And to those of you who want more crazy, shut the hell up I'm working on it.  I'm already chugging paint at a tenth grade level.  But if you want to know WHY I've been so goddamn lazy, here are a few reasons to satiate your constant questioning.

Instead of updating my blog, I have been-
-getting drunk
-driving for hours at a time
-playing video games
-training for the UFC
-plotting my enemies' demise
-trying to catch this one squirrel I saw running across my yard
-learning to bake bread
-surfing reddit
-designing next year's halloween costume
-staring at my computer and thinking "I'll do a post later"
-NOT working on my novel
-rewatching the same episode of Community so I can play it in my head anytime.
-getting beat up by babies
-trying to make a trending hashtag despite only having 23 followers
-trying to grow my twitter followers
-sitting on Facebook but not reading statuses
-drinking more coffee than I should
-napping illegally
-trying to figure out how to nap illegally

So there you have it.  That's why I haven't updated the blog on time in such a long time.  Get the fuck off my back about it.

Friday, November 16, 2012

3 uses for books besides reading them

It's officially National Novel Writing Month and in honor of participating and knowing about it existing I want to expound on the greatness of books aside from just reading them.  And I know there are the old stand bys of stabilizing a wobbly table, smacking a jerk friend, or smashing a big bug, but what about the lesser known uses?  Here are three of the best.

3.  Eating the book.
So you've read through the latest spy thriller from whoever writes those.  You had a satisfying read and loved every thrill along the way.  Now you're hungry, but it's late and your fridge is empty.  Your grandpa always talked about how great roughage is, and what is paper but nature's roughage?  Don't take big bites, as that isn't healthy, but go ahead and nibble away at your book until your belly is full and your imagination dancing with possible sequels to the thing you just ate.

2.  Murder.
Sure, murder is bad, whatever.  But think about how many lives you'll change when the defense attorney picks up your copy of "Ernest Hemingway Collection of short stories" wrapped in inside the evidence bag, the blood still splattered on the spine, and waves it around for all to see.  The guy behind you will lean forward, inching ever so carefully, and ask "Hey, is that any good?"  And you'll say "Yeah, it's great, especially 'Hills like White Elephants'" and he'll say "I will read that."  You just produced another reader, thanks to that horrible murder over a spatula.

1.  Hide your gun.
I don't mean your pissy little glock, I mean hide one of those giant sniper rifles you have to break down to get anywhere.  That shit is legitimate, and people need to know you're both well read AND a fucking psycho.  Sure you've never actually assembled or even fired the damn thing, but the fact you went to the trouble to carve out spots for every single component for your weapon and carry every book with you at all times proves that you deserve to cut the line at Starbucks.  I mean, son of a bitch, all I want is a coffee, and that dipshit up front is ordering a weird specialty bullshit -chino something?  Fuck that guy.

Happy Novel Month everyone!  Learn to read or you may get bludgeoned to death with a copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets!