Friday, December 28, 2012

Why I want an elephant.

1.  I would stand out at the dog park.  Partly for the squashed dogs in Stampers' wake.

2.  I would save on gas.  I mean car fuel, not butt gas, I think elephants fart pretty hard.

3.  PETA would hate me but never be able to catch me.  Also Stampers would squash them proper.

4.  Stampers would never forget my birthday, or forget anything for that matter.

5.  I could threaten my enemies with his massive feet and tusks.  Then I would mash and spear my enemies.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

12 days of Crazy

When the song "12 days of Christmas" became a thing, few people knew it was based on real events.  Well, it would be.  Behold and witness the back and forth of an actual 12 gift fiasco!  And Happy Holidays.  

Sent on: December 25, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 1st day of Christmas…
My true love,

Thank you so much for the partridge and the pear tree!  Such a joy, I love you so much, Merry Christmas.

-Your love,

Sent on: December 26, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 2nd day of Christmas…
My love,

First the partridge and pear tree, and now two doves?  They’re beautiful and have not stopped singing.  Thank you oh so much!

-Your love,

Sent on: December 27, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 3rd day of Christmas…
My love,

The French hens are lovely, but you did not have to send three!  Sadly the doves don’t seem to like them and are hiding somewhere in the apartment.  I appreciate these wonderful gifts, but it would be amazing if you could send a cage for the birds.

-Your love

Sent on: December 28, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 4th day of Christmas…

I feel like I have enough birds.  These calling birds are nice, but four of them?  Additionally the French hens are pooping wherever they walk and the doves never stop singing.  Ever.  My partridge hasn’t done much, but I fear that additional birds may disturb my sleep habits.

Please don’t send any more gifts.


Sent on: December 29, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 5th day of Christmas…
John my love,

Thank you so much for the gold rings!  They’re beautiful beyond description!  This makes up for all the birds!  But please come get the birds as I can’t get any sleep at night due to the constant singing.

-Your love, Catherine

Sent on: December 30, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 6th day of Christmas…

I love you, but I don’t want geese.  The partridge died yesterday, the doves flew out a window, and the hens are beginning to smell, why are you still sending birds to my home?  Please stop.


Sent on: December 31, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 7th day of Christmas…

Knock it off with the damn birds!  I don’t need swans swimming in a pond you made in my living room.  The geese won’t stop laying eggs and there’s bird shit everywhere.  I don’t have time to clean all of this; the rings are going to get pawned to afford an exterminator.  Please stop giving me stuff and just come clean out my apartment.


Sent on: January 1, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 8th day of Christmas…

SERIOUSLY?  Maids milking full grown cows??  Why would you do this to me?  Not only is my landlord freaking out due to the layer of bird feathers, now there are COWS on my damn stoop!  Get them TODAY or I’m dumping you.  Oh, and the rings are fake, asshole.

Sent on: January 2, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 9th day of Christmas…

I get it, ok?  “9 ladies dancing” haha real funny.  Except it’s disgusting.  Not only is my apartment still covered with bird crap, the cows trampled most of the birds and the maids won’t go home.  Now I have strippers dancing at all hours and the ponds you made in my place for the swans to swim in are leaking into the downstairs apartment.  I’ll type this so you’ll hopefully understand:

Sent on: January 3, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 10th day of Christmas…

What do lords leaping, aka ballet dancers, have to do with Christmas?  A holiday that, by the way, ENDED 9 DAYS AGO.  Know when our relationship ended?  TODAY.  Stop sending me stuff or I’ll get my lawyer involved.


Sent on: January 4, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 11th day of Christmas…

I get how you sent “pipers piping”, though we both know these are just 12 year olds with recorders.  Their screeching has startled the french hens into flying around the apartment and wrecking whatever the cows and strippers and male ballet dancers missed.  Screw you, we’re done.

Sent on: January 5, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 12th day of Christmas…

I didn’t think it could get worse, but you topped it with bass drummers from the local marching band.  You’re an asshole, these birds are disgusting, the strippers are still here, the maids are getting with the leaping lords, and I can’t describe how much I hate you.  See you in court, prick.


Friday, December 21, 2012

5 Ways to Get Around

First off let's just say that you don't have access to a car.  Let's say you are without a car, have no money for a bus token, and there is no other public transportation in your area.  How will you get around?  Simple!  Utilize one of the following methods I have outlined as such.

1. Hitchhike- I'm fairly certain you won't get chopped up by whatever psycho would pick you up, so live a little.  Catch a ride in a truck, in a station wagon, hell, sit behind a kid in a wagon being pulled by his dad.  Whatever the ride, snag one, and offer to pay with either gas, grass, or ass.  All are viable tender.

2. Ride an animal- it doesn't matter which one, but the larger and faster the better.  Horse? Excellent choice.  Hippo?  Not so much.  Corgi dog?  Awful choice, too little.  Centaur?  If you can get over the weird sexual tension, a fine choice.  Tiger?  No way that thing will eat you alive.  So experiment and have fun!

3. Get struck by lightning while near chemicals and become The Flash- just Barry Allen it up and stop being a pussy.  Play with weird chemicals during a lightning storm and then let nature happen.  To ensure this happens you should probably have a large metal pole to conduct the electricity stuck directly into your rib cage.  Just to be safe.

4. Discover a series of wormholes- Donnie Darko did it, and he was a weird little dude.  All you really have to do here is be fucking insane and read some weird book that Drew Barrymore a sa teacher hates.  Or love.  I'll be honest, I don't remember much from Donnie Darko.

5.  Kill yourself- let me finish: so you'll become a ghost!  Ghosts go everywhere all the time, and they love being ghosts. They float through the air without a care in their hollow see through head.  Sure you'll forever have unfinished business, but at least you'll get to work on time.  Oh, everyone's at your funeral?  Right...DAY OFF!

Friday, December 14, 2012

Open Letter: Cats that scratch you when you pick them up.

Dear cats that scratch people when picking you up,

There is no good reason to scratch people when they pick you up.  I understand the saying "you can take the tiger out of the jungle but you can't take the jungle out of the tiger" but to be far you're an orange tabby.  The name tabby insinuates you will be handled frequently.

The factors leading to your being handled are many; you are soft, you have hypnotizing eyes, your tails are like additional creatures, and you're lap sized.

If you still disagree with being handled, here are some tips I think you'll find helpful in avoiding human contact.
-never clean yourselves, humans hate touching dirty animals
-always have feces or urine ready to launch as soon as you're off the ground
-start killing and bringing home animals larger than you, so we'll know you're serious

Now if you choose to ignore that advice, that is fair, but keep in mind you waive all rights to not be handled by people, so the following is what you'll be contending with.
-hugs ranging from gentle to death grip
-being dressed in clothing
-having a child pet you a little harder than they should
-enduring baby talk

Perhaps we can come to a compromise.  These are the terms of the agreement.
You will poop in our shoes any time you want - we get to pick you up when company is over
You may scratch us when we come near you - you must wear adorable clothing when we wish
We will pull all the embarrassing cat videos from online - you agree to cuddle on our laps but NOT do that kneading thing where you dig your claws into peoples' crotches

If we have an agreement, I expect to hear from your people shortly.

Your owners.

Friday, December 7, 2012

An Alien's Report on Earth

Esteemed Commanders,

The following is my report regarding the planetoid known as "Earth".  Keep in mind my frankness when discussing domination of this planet, and I only speak thus due to the drastic nature of my report.

The task is impossible.

First off, Earthlings will be a poor work force.  90% of the human race is overweight, lazy, and soft.  They are too soft to handle the razor diamonds in the caves of our third moon Neblar.  The humans also think they deserve great reward for little to no work. Beasts more foul than our Krug-Thaks are paraded on their tele-monitors and paid extravagant sums of currency.

Second, they understand how to kill.  They kill very, very well.  They create visuals that would horrify our most seasoned generals.  There are a series of what the humans call "movies" that frequently depict themurder or invading aliens to their world.  One film in particular "Independance Day" shows how powerful the human celebrities can be by rendering a warroir unconscious with only his fist.

Thirdly, there is a massive amount of water on Earth.  Do not think I exaggerate when I say there is literally water in the air at random peroids.  It is nearly a miracle in itself that I have not perished during what the human's call a "light shower".

So in conclusion, we must not invade Earth.  Not until even their powerful celebrities are defeat able   We must focus on one Will Smith, one Tommy Lee Jones, and one Harrison Ford.  Ford has aligned with a singular Wookie, the infamous "Chewbacca" we all tell cautionary tales about.

In Glory for the Empire,
Sl'arrz Taku, Fultorian Scout