Thursday, February 23, 2012

Ask an "Expert"- Vamps, Dinos, and World Peace.

Q: What is the story with Israel?
A: Israel is a fairly new country, and when a daddy country and a mommy country love each other very much, they decide they want their own country.  So they light some candles, turn the iPod stereo on to Barry White, and they get to business.  And by “business” I mean drafting up an agreement that will allow both countries to give up equal parts of land between them to form a new country.  Then they have to choose citizens, whether to make it a democracy or monarchy, and most importantly, Coke or Pepsi.  And that’s the deal with Israel.

Q: Why do vampires drink blood?
A: Vampires are like the sport stars of the monster kingdom, and their Gatorade is blood.  If you’ve seen Twilight, Blade, Underworld or any other super powered vampire movie, you see that vampires are constantly burning calories; whether it’s stopping trucks, killing werewolves, or being Wesley Snipes, vampires need blood to keep their super powers going.  Otherwise they turn into comedy legends like Leslie Nelson. 

Q: Did birds really evolve from dinosaurs?
A:  Not all birds, only crows.  While it’s an easy mistake to think hawks, eagles, and even the aptly named raptors came from prehistoric lizards, they just happened, one of evolution’s “weird ones”.  However, the only dinosaur to survive long enough into the age of man was the velociraptor, and it realized quickly that man can’t fly, so it made makeshift wings with leaves.  Over a few hundred years those leaves eventually grew into the horrible beasts and they became birds.  They’re black because while man couldn’t fly, he COULD launch firey arrows into the sky to burn the flying dinos.

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