Thursday, April 12, 2012

Rules for Armageddon

Hi there, and welcome to Armageddon.  To ensure you don’t suffer too much culture shock, this handy guide has been drafted by our smartest survivors to gently walk you through the most important aspects of post apocalypse life.

First off, take a deep breath.  Feel that heat in your lungs?  This is your air now.  A hint of ash with the ever present burning that a few people have brought upon the entire human race.  There is no air conditioning and you’ll never escape this shit air.  So breathe shallow; you’ll have to get used to it.

Next, when in the town hall meetings, remember the simple mnemonic “No skull?  No mouth” which refers to when someone speaks they must be holding the human skull.  If you speak when you are not holding the Talking Skull you will be branded as a Dust Zombie and slaughtered within seconds.

If you were hoping for a glass of water then you’re in luck!  If you replace “water” with “anything bottled that isn’t water” because that’s all that’s left.  Enjoy your Gatorade yellow piss.

When acclimating to our new society, please take note of what jobs need to be filled.  While we could always use more doctors and carpenters, if you were a lawyer, writer, retail worker, or anything else that won’t help the community survive the Allibadgers (alligator and badger combined) running rampant in this horrible new world then please lie and learn a new trade immediately.

Thank you for joining our destroyed society and please feel free to ask any questions.  There is no stupid question, just questions a robot wearing human skin would ask to infiltrate our already weak infrastructure.  

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