Friday, November 16, 2012

3 uses for books besides reading them

It's officially National Novel Writing Month and in honor of participating and knowing about it existing I want to expound on the greatness of books aside from just reading them.  And I know there are the old stand bys of stabilizing a wobbly table, smacking a jerk friend, or smashing a big bug, but what about the lesser known uses?  Here are three of the best.

3.  Eating the book.
So you've read through the latest spy thriller from whoever writes those.  You had a satisfying read and loved every thrill along the way.  Now you're hungry, but it's late and your fridge is empty.  Your grandpa always talked about how great roughage is, and what is paper but nature's roughage?  Don't take big bites, as that isn't healthy, but go ahead and nibble away at your book until your belly is full and your imagination dancing with possible sequels to the thing you just ate.

2.  Murder.
Sure, murder is bad, whatever.  But think about how many lives you'll change when the defense attorney picks up your copy of "Ernest Hemingway Collection of short stories" wrapped in inside the evidence bag, the blood still splattered on the spine, and waves it around for all to see.  The guy behind you will lean forward, inching ever so carefully, and ask "Hey, is that any good?"  And you'll say "Yeah, it's great, especially 'Hills like White Elephants'" and he'll say "I will read that."  You just produced another reader, thanks to that horrible murder over a spatula.

1.  Hide your gun.
I don't mean your pissy little glock, I mean hide one of those giant sniper rifles you have to break down to get anywhere.  That shit is legitimate, and people need to know you're both well read AND a fucking psycho.  Sure you've never actually assembled or even fired the damn thing, but the fact you went to the trouble to carve out spots for every single component for your weapon and carry every book with you at all times proves that you deserve to cut the line at Starbucks.  I mean, son of a bitch, all I want is a coffee, and that dipshit up front is ordering a weird specialty bullshit -chino something?  Fuck that guy.

Happy Novel Month everyone!  Learn to read or you may get bludgeoned to death with a copy of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets!


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