It is safe to say that we have been at odds for far too long. While I do not approve of you “spitting up” on my new shirt, I’m sure you don’t approve of how I violently shake you. I feel that airing my grievances in an open letter format will help us work together with less friction in the near future.
Now I feel listing my issues with babies as a whole will help you understand where I am coming from and hopefully end our butting of heads.
- You can’t hold your heads up on your own.
- You get the best toys.
- Your inability to not shit yourselves.
- Your terrible taste in clothes
- Your fascination with shiny objects.
If you will indulge me, I will go into detail with each point.
- It seems to me that you are simply being lazy when you let your head flop around like a limp penis. Excuse my language, but it’s a damn shame that hard working Americans like your parents have to support you monetarily and physically. If I may make a suggestion, get a gym membership babies.
- I don’t understand how you get bouncy swings and bright rattles for nothing while I have to work 40 plus hours a week and all I get is a bill for the electricity, water, heat, and have to write out a rent check. It is an unfair standard you babies have made a permanent part of human culture, and I’m simply tired of you getting nicer toys than me.
- It is not difficult to hold poop in. I do it on a regular basis and it is not difficult in the least. You know how to put food in your body, so there is no excuse for allowing it to leave. You simply clench your cheeks together, that is all it takes. You babies need to get your act together I cannot abide you pooping during a movie again.
- Upon further thought, I realize this is more your parents’ faults. I will send them a letter as well.
- Shiny objects are not that great. Sure spoons are always fun, but keys? And tinfoil? Please babies, tinfoil is so dull I feel insulted writing about it here. Please stop now.
Thank you for your time and attention, provided you held your heads up long enough to read this letter. I even took extra care to print it on tinfoil for you. I understand if you are upset, but we have been at odds for too long. Please accept my olive branch, and reply with a letter of your own at your own convenience. Or when you learn to read and write, which may be a while.
Best of luck, and God speed,
-Blake T. Hunt