Open Letter to 2013

Dear the year of 2013,

  Allow me to welcome you.  I'm sure you're nervous, but there's no reason to be nervous.  2012 was a pretty hectic year and humanity wants you to rest assured that we believe in you.  Trust me when I say there is no wrong way to be a year.

However, in light of the 'devil may car' attitude adopted by 2012, you may want to keep a few key points in mind.  These are merely suggestions, but I would appreciate it if you kept them in mind.

Tone it down with the weather.
While we do need equal parts rain, sun, snow, and occasional wind, 2012 threw bizarre weather patterns at the United States of America.  There was the drought all across the U.S. then 2012 decided to fix things by slamming the East coast with Hurricane Sandy.  Remember 2013, we're not built on a ramp, we're relatively flat.

Don't threaten the end of the world.
I understand that the Mayans stuck 2012 with that awful "December 21" nonsense, but 2012 didn't do much to alleviate our worries.  The world's attention was brought to what would happen to the point that many of us wish the Mayans were right.  If any groups have declared 2013 to be the last year people exist, then don't make such a big deal out of it, try to keep public panic a a minimum.

Don't forget your roots.
2013 is a big year!  Babies born in 2000 are now teenagers.  The people who remember rotary phones, cars without GPS built in, and a time when newspapers mattered is rapidly shrinking.  The internet did not always exist outside of science fiction, but some people today have only known the internet, and not the monotonous search method of a library.  People do things faster now, including wrecking stuff everywhere.  Keep that in mind and try to occasionally take things slow.

Have fun!
You're barely a week old, but you're already down to 51 weeks until 2014 comes barreling through.  Don't worry so much, have fun and try new things.  I promise people will get used to writing 13 at the end of the date for checks and other official signed documents.

Also this is mainly concerning the U.S. because I don't live anywhere else.  As long as it doesn't affect us, do what you like with the rest of the planet.

With warmest regards,
-Blake T. Hunt

An Open Letter to Dog Walkers

Dear Dog Walkers,

     While I commend you getting your pet the exercise it needs, please try to walk your dog correctly.  If you are unsure what I mean by the term “walk your dog correctly”, then please continue reading.  If you aren’t confused, read more anyway.

     When you walk your dog, you are supposed to pay attention to the dog, the dog is your top priority.  Even if you’re a single guy trying to find a lady or a single lady trying to find a guy, you should be focused on your dog.  And nothing gives you an excuse to dress the dog like a tiny gay person.  They come with fur, they don’t need a sweater that says “Back That Thang Up”.

     But for the main point of the letter, humans have evolved to the point that we get rid of our waste in a discrete fashion, but dogs still just go whenever they can.  Which means they are dropping poop where other people walk.  Since dogs don’t have the facilities that people do, (i.e. thumbs) they will need you to pick that poop up for them.  Now when I say pick up, I mean scoop it with a bag or shovel and deposit the poop in the proper place that is not where my feet land while I walk.  If you don’t have access to bags or shovels, then you better get your hands good and poopy.

     So in summation, you dog walkers should realize how lucky you are to own a dog to walk, and not spend precious exercise time texting, flirting, or trying to get your dog to simply poop and pee as quick as possible.  Enjoy your time together in the outdoors, because one day, you’ll be sad that your trusty companion has died from eating chocolate that you left out.  Just saying.

Keep it classy,

Blake T. Hunt

An Open Letter to Retail Customers

Dear retail customers,

     I understand that you think you need your book, video game, Apple device, or whatever else you’re throwing money at this week.  But you would be able to make your purchase in a faster and smoother transaction if you took a few steps of preparation before entering the store.

     First know what store you’re walking into.  If you want accessories for an iPad, you’re not going to find it in a bookstore.  If you want a printer, don’t go to a clothing store.  If you want to buy a book, don’t bother even entering a store that sells video games.  Retail employees ask so little, and one of those little things could be you reading the sign before you walk in.

     Second, employees have no control over any store policies.  If you yell at a cashier that the hours don’t work with your schedule, nothing will change.  Not even the manager in all their power can make any major change.  If you hate the design of the store, shut up.  If you think the selection is bad, shut up again.  Shop elsewhere if it bothers you that much.

     Third, returns are meant to be done when you either bought the wrong version, there’s a built in defect, etc.  Don’t ignore the speech we are obligated to give about receipts and return policies.  If you get home and decide to eat your receipt, don’t get mad when we can’t take the item back.  Registers are limited to the point of making them the retards of the electronics kingdom and can’t find your purchase from over 24 hours ago.  Side note: don’t let your pets chew on the device and then try and return it, we won’t and can’t take that back.  Just saying.

     I hope that quick rundown of what not to do sinks in, although unless I attach arbitrarily complex coupons you’ll never read this. 

Happy Trails,

Blake T. Hunt

An Open Letter to Babies

Dear babies,

     It is safe to say that we have been at odds for far too long.  While I do not approve of you “spitting up” on my new shirt, I’m sure you don’t approve of how I violently shake you.  I feel that airing my grievances in an open letter format will help us work together with less friction in the near future.

     Now I feel listing my issues with babies as a whole will help you understand where I am coming from and hopefully end our butting of heads.

1. You can’t hold your heads up on your own.
2. You get the best toys.
3. Your inability to not shit yourselves.
4. Your terrible taste in clothes
5. Your fascination with shiny objects.

If you will indulge me, I will go into detail with each point.

1. It seems to me that you are simply being lazy when you let your head flop around like a limp penis.  Excuse my language, but it’s a damn shame that hard working Americans like your parents have to support you monetarily and physically.  If I may make a suggestion, get a gym membership babies.
2. I don’t understand how you get bouncy swings and bright rattles for nothing while I have to work 40 plus hours a week and all I get is a bill for the electricity, water, heat, and have to write out a rent check.  It is an unfair standard you babies have made a permanent part of human culture, and I’m simply tired of you getting nicer toys than me.
3. It is not difficult to hold poop in.  I do it on a regular basis and it is not difficult in the least.  You know how to put food in your body, so there is no excuse for allowing it to leave.  You simply clench your cheeks together, that is all it takes.  You babies need to get your act together I cannot abide you pooping during a movie again.
4. Upon further thought, I realize this is more your parents’ faults.  I will send them a letter as well.
5. Shiny objects are not that great.  Sure spoons are always fun, but keys?  And tinfoil?  Please babies, tinfoil is so dull I feel insulted writing about it here.  Please stop now.

Thank you for your time and attention, provided you held your heads up long enough to read this letter.  I even took extra care to print it on tinfoil for you.  I understand if you are upset, but we have been at odds for too long.  Please accept my olive branch, and reply with a letter of your own at your own convenience.  Or when you learn to read and write, which may be a while.

Best of luck, and God speed,

-Blake T. Hunt