Thursday, June 21, 2012

What I would do if I had a pet Crocodile

I have often drifted into a daydream about owning my very own crocodile.  But what would I do with such a horrible beast?  Believe me, I've thought long and hard about it.

1.  I would practice saying "He's a crocodile not an alligator."  I know people would make that mistake and I would have to practice emphasizing the "not".  Eventually I would most likely let people who said the "A word" to go ahead and pet my crocodile.  After I trained him to attack anything that comes near his head.

2.  I would figure out the best name.  "Fluffy" and "Shweetums" are too ironic, while "Samson" and "Rex" don't seem right.  Perhaps I would go Victorian style and name him something along the lines of "Fauntleroy" or "Bartholomew", something dignified to go with his gruff demeanor.  Did that crocodile from Peter Pan have a name?  Oh, I know!  I'll name him "Chomper".

3.  I would always feed him by hurling chunks of meat at his open mouth.  Once I could afford it I would buy some zebras and let them hang out next to his enclosure.  Because you can take the croc out of the wild, but not that zebra chomping rage out of the croc.  Also I fucking hate zebras, so it's a win win.

4.  I would walk him only in heavily populated parks.  When you own a high class crocodile named Chompers, you have to show him off.  And where better than a park full of small children, curious dogs, and tasty ducks?

I think these would be excellent decisions to make once I get my crocodile.  Now if the zoo would lift that ban on me I could walk right in and get him.

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