Friday, December 14, 2012

Open Letter: Cats that scratch you when you pick them up.

Dear cats that scratch people when picking you up,

There is no good reason to scratch people when they pick you up.  I understand the saying "you can take the tiger out of the jungle but you can't take the jungle out of the tiger" but to be far you're an orange tabby.  The name tabby insinuates you will be handled frequently.

The factors leading to your being handled are many; you are soft, you have hypnotizing eyes, your tails are like additional creatures, and you're lap sized.

If you still disagree with being handled, here are some tips I think you'll find helpful in avoiding human contact.
-never clean yourselves, humans hate touching dirty animals
-always have feces or urine ready to launch as soon as you're off the ground
-start killing and bringing home animals larger than you, so we'll know you're serious

Now if you choose to ignore that advice, that is fair, but keep in mind you waive all rights to not be handled by people, so the following is what you'll be contending with.
-hugs ranging from gentle to death grip
-being dressed in clothing
-having a child pet you a little harder than they should
-enduring baby talk

Perhaps we can come to a compromise.  These are the terms of the agreement.
You will poop in our shoes any time you want - we get to pick you up when company is over
You may scratch us when we come near you - you must wear adorable clothing when we wish
We will pull all the embarrassing cat videos from online - you agree to cuddle on our laps but NOT do that kneading thing where you dig your claws into peoples' crotches

If we have an agreement, I expect to hear from your people shortly.

Your owners.

No comments:

Post a Comment