When the song "12 days of Christmas" became a thing, few people knew it was based on real events. Well, it would be. Behold and witness the back and forth of an actual 12 gift fiasco! And Happy Holidays.
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: December 25, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 1st day of Christmas…
My true love,
Thank you so much for the partridge and the pear tree! Such a joy, I love you so much, Merry
Christmas.
-Your love,
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: December 26, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 2nd day of Christmas…
My love,
First the partridge and pear tree, and now two doves? They’re beautiful and have not stopped
singing. Thank you oh so much!
-Your love,
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: December 27, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 3rd day of Christmas…
My love,
The French hens are lovely, but you did not have to send
three! Sadly the doves don’t seem to
like them and are hiding somewhere in the apartment. I appreciate these wonderful gifts, but it
would be amazing if you could send a cage for the birds.
-Your love
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: December 28, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 4th day of Christmas…
John,
I feel like I have enough birds. These calling birds are nice, but four of
them? Additionally the French hens are
pooping wherever they walk and the doves never stop singing. Ever.
My partridge hasn’t done much, but I fear that additional birds may
disturb my sleep habits.
Please don’t send any more gifts.
-Catherine
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: December 29, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 5th day of Christmas…
John my love,
Thank you so much for the gold rings! They’re beautiful beyond description! This makes up for all the birds! But please come get the birds as I can’t get
any sleep at night due to the constant singing.
-Your love, Catherine
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: December 30, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 6th day of Christmas…
John,
I love you, but I don’t want geese. The partridge died yesterday, the doves flew
out a window, and the hens are beginning to smell, why are you still sending
birds to my home? Please stop.
-Catherine
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: December 31, 2011
Subject: Re: On the 7th day of Christmas…
John,
Knock it off with the damn birds! I don’t need swans swimming in a pond you made
in my living room. The geese won’t stop
laying eggs and there’s bird shit everywhere.
I don’t have time to clean all of this; the rings are going to get
pawned to afford an exterminator. Please
stop giving me stuff and just come clean out my apartment.
-Catherine
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: January 1, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 8th day of Christmas…
SERIOUSLY? Maids
milking full grown cows?? Why would you
do this to me? Not only is my landlord
freaking out due to the layer of bird feathers, now there are COWS on my damn
stoop! Get them TODAY or I’m dumping
you. Oh, and the rings are fake,
asshole.
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: January 2, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 9th day of Christmas…
I get it, ok? “9
ladies dancing” haha real funny. Except
it’s disgusting. Not only is my
apartment still covered with bird crap, the cows trampled most of the birds and
the maids won’t go home. Now I have
strippers dancing at all hours and the ponds you made in my place for the swans
to swim in are leaking into the downstairs apartment. I’ll type this so you’ll hopefully understand:
PLEASE. STOP. SENDING. ME. GIFTS.
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: January 3, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 10th day of Christmas…
John,
What do lords leaping, aka ballet dancers, have to do with
Christmas? A holiday that, by the way, ENDED
9 DAYS AGO. Know when our relationship
ended? TODAY. Stop sending me stuff or I’ll get my lawyer
involved.
-Catherine
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: January 4, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 11th day of Christmas…
I get how you sent “pipers piping”, though we both know
these are just 12 year olds with recorders.
Their screeching has startled the french hens into flying around the
apartment and wrecking whatever the cows and strippers and male ballet dancers
missed. Screw you, we’re done.
From: CatHat_42@yahoo.com
To: JohnDoeRayMe@gmail.com
Sent on: January 5, 2012
Subject: Re: On the 12th day of Christmas…
John,
I didn’t think it could get worse, but you topped it with bass
drummers from the local marching band.
You’re an asshole, these birds are disgusting, the strippers are still
here, the maids are getting with the leaping lords, and I can’t describe how
much I hate you. See you in court,
prick.
-Catherine
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