Friday, December 21, 2012

5 Ways to Get Around

First off let's just say that you don't have access to a car.  Let's say you are without a car, have no money for a bus token, and there is no other public transportation in your area.  How will you get around?  Simple!  Utilize one of the following methods I have outlined as such.

1. Hitchhike- I'm fairly certain you won't get chopped up by whatever psycho would pick you up, so live a little.  Catch a ride in a truck, in a station wagon, hell, sit behind a kid in a wagon being pulled by his dad.  Whatever the ride, snag one, and offer to pay with either gas, grass, or ass.  All are viable tender.

2. Ride an animal- it doesn't matter which one, but the larger and faster the better.  Horse? Excellent choice.  Hippo?  Not so much.  Corgi dog?  Awful choice, too little.  Centaur?  If you can get over the weird sexual tension, a fine choice.  Tiger?  No way that thing will eat you alive.  So experiment and have fun!

3. Get struck by lightning while near chemicals and become The Flash- just Barry Allen it up and stop being a pussy.  Play with weird chemicals during a lightning storm and then let nature happen.  To ensure this happens you should probably have a large metal pole to conduct the electricity stuck directly into your rib cage.  Just to be safe.

4. Discover a series of wormholes- Donnie Darko did it, and he was a weird little dude.  All you really have to do here is be fucking insane and read some weird book that Drew Barrymore a sa teacher hates.  Or love.  I'll be honest, I don't remember much from Donnie Darko.

5.  Kill yourself- let me finish: so you'll become a ghost!  Ghosts go everywhere all the time, and they love being ghosts. They float through the air without a care in their hollow see through head.  Sure you'll forever have unfinished business, but at least you'll get to work on time.  Oh, everyone's at your funeral?  Right...DAY OFF!

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