Monday, August 1, 2011

Conspiracy: PETA are human slaves from the future.

Consider this: Some animals are almost extinct because they will conquer us in the future if we don’t keep them in check now.

Here’s the truth: PETA are human “pets” from the future sent to our time to keep us from eating and hunting our future animal overlords.  They are placed within society to prevent our iron grip on the tasty and easily shot animals. 

The face of evil, as our children will know.

FACT:  Every day five people fall prey to the wiles of dogs while dogs plot how to open doors and smother us in our sleep.

I get it, it’s sad we’re almost out of tigers, elephants, rhinos, etc, but consider our lives in the early days.  A man was more likely to be eaten by a lion than he was to hurt himself in the home, and the percentage that one would hurt themselves in the home was 95%.  That means the percentage of death was 96% or higher!  We can’t bring back that statistic with our fatter, slower, dumber current humans.

In the future the leaders of the human resistance are those who ran zoos, since they knew how to keep these beasts in check.  If we don’t stop PETA now, they’ll institute a plan that makes people a part of the Food Pyramid/Food Plate.    

You want to worry about zombies? Bears will eat us before we turn into the undead.  You fear the robot uprising?  Penguins can destroy people with more speed and less dignity.

FACT:  Gorillas are practicing filling out credit card forms so they can purchase guns to murder people with.

 So which of the animals will become the driving force behind wiping out the human race?  If you’re reading this standing up, then sit the fuck down, because our future enemies will be led by turkeys. 


Yes, the most stupid and delicious of the land animals, the turkey, will lead the enemy forces.  One would think raccoons would lead, but they merely are the ninjas of the animal kingdom.  The turkeys will throw off the stereotype of being stupid and enact their revenge for the human race murdering their kind in the millions every year for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the traditional Turkey Waste Day (Sept 13 is just around the corner).

I send this news out not to instill fear, but inform the masses.  We must make a move against turkeys, sharks, bears, cats, and most insects.  Before it is too late.  Revolution.

FACT:  One out of one sharks are actually pro human, but we were too stupid to realize it.

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