Friday, August 19, 2011

An open letter to birds.

Dear birds,

      I am writing to formerly request that you please stop pooping on my car.  While I appreciate you not pooping on me, I do not appreciate that you choose to relieve yourself on my car’s hood, roof, window, or trunk.  Furthermore, I resent the fact that you defecate on my car only minutes after I finish washing it.

     I will say that I am not completely innocent in this scenario.  I have been found guilty of saying expressions like “that’s for the birds” or “the bird is the word” too frequently in my daily routine.  I am also guilty of calling pigeons “rats with wings” which I recently learned is offensive to all ornithological types, and not just to pigeons.  Again for this I apologize.

     There are things I am appreciative of that you do, like eating the bugs that constantly annoy me on hot summer days.  You also lay eggs and make baby birds, and anything as a baby is adorable.  You also provide feathers for Native Americans to decorate their headdresses with and make them festive, and I do enjoy festive events and people.

     However, it is still unacceptable and frankly rude for you to relieve yourselves on my personal belongings.  I do my part by slowing down when there are vultures picking at road kill.  I never throw things at birds in parks, but I gently shoo them away, giving them ample room to maneuver about and away from my position.  I even make sure to help out birds stuck indoors that don’t understand the concept of glass windows and keep them from slamming into the glass.

     In conclusion, I feel a truce can be made between us.  I will purchase statues for my yard that you may poop on and perch upon at your leisure, and you will cease using my car as your personal toilet.  I feel these are agreeable terms and that both parties will be satisfied with the results.
     I hope you have a wonderful day, and may your future be blessed with plentiful bread crumbs.

Your hopeful ally,
Blake T. Hunt

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