I am writing to formerly request that you please stop pooping on my car. While I appreciate you not pooping on me, I do not appreciate that you choose to relieve yourself on my car’s hood, roof, window, or trunk. Furthermore, I resent the fact that you defecate on my car only minutes after I finish washing it.
I will say that I am not completely innocent in this scenario. I have been found guilty of saying expressions like “that’s for the birds” or “the bird is the word” too frequently in my daily routine. I am also guilty of calling pigeons “rats with wings” which I recently learned is offensive to all ornithological types, and not just to pigeons. Again for this I apologize.
There are things I am appreciative of that you do, like eating the bugs that constantly annoy me on hot summer days. You also lay eggs and make baby birds, and anything as a baby is adorable. You also provide feathers for Native Americans to decorate their headdresses with and make them festive, and I do enjoy festive events and people.
However, it is still unacceptable and frankly rude for you to relieve yourselves on my personal belongings. I do my part by slowing down when there are vultures picking at road kill. I never throw things at birds in parks, but I gently shoo them away, giving them ample room to maneuver about and away from my position. I even make sure to help out birds stuck indoors that don’t understand the concept of glass windows and keep them from slamming into the glass.
In conclusion, I feel a truce can be made between us. I will purchase statues for my yard that you may poop on and perch upon at your leisure, and you will cease using my car as your personal toilet. I feel these are agreeable terms and that both parties will be satisfied with the results.
I hope you have a wonderful day, and may your future be blessed with plentiful bread crumbs.
Your hopeful ally,
Blake T. Hunt