Thursday, September 13, 2012

Interview with a Bear

I imagine an interview with a live bear would be daunting, but within the realm of achievable.

First off we would have to go with a black bear.  Grizzly and polar bears are too volatile for the studio audience.  Why the studio audience?  Because if we're going to ask a bear questions, we have to do it right.

We'll ignore the obvious questions like "Do you really eat honey?" and "So where is Boo Boo?"  It would be like if you asked a black person where their fried chicken is.  It's rude, undignified, and an eensy bit racist.

But what questions could we ask the bear?  Well for that we would want questions people may be genuinely curious about.  Examples include if they really can run as fast as a horse or if they ever eat too much salmon.

I imagine the bear would have many stories about catching salmon in the river or shitting in the woods; we would humor the bear because the bear is a guest and one should always be polite to the guest.  We would wade through the fish and shit stories to get to the real hearty stuff.

Hearty stuff like surviving forest fires, eating a camper who wandered too close to the bear's cubs, or the best way to scratch one's back against a tree.  These would be the hard hitting questions that would make Charlie Rose proud if he wasn't scared of bears.

I imagine the bear would speak out against fictional representations of bears like Yogi and Pooh, who make bears look fat and lazy.  But the bear would applaud mankind on Smokey while remaining silent about the Charmin bears.  You know, the bears that get bits of toilet paper stuck to their butts?

They would not mention the Charmin bears and we would not, pardon the pun poke the bear.  Maybe an audience member would shout out the question and the bear would eat them.  I would allow, for it is what bears do.

I imagine the interview would start off shaky, but then things would go smoothly.

Then the bear would slaughter the host as the credits roll.

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